the old college try

philippines.

2010-09-27T17:24:00.001-06:00

in the late 1960s, my dad was called to serve an lds mission to South Asia, including Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Philippines. while there, then Elder Gordon B. Hinckley--the prophet of my youth--came to the Philippines and made the country its own mission.

when I was 8, just around the time I was getting baptized, my oldest sister Melissa was called to serve in the Philippines Cabanatuan mission.

and 2 months ago, I opened a letter from the prophet now, President Thomas S. Monson, calling me to serve for 18 months for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Philippines Iloilo mission. I am to leave in 1 month today!

on monday...

2010-09-24T13:30:00.001-06:00

some rad photos of my dad in the Philippines.

acrobat.

2010-09-23T16:08:00.003-06:00

photo by Rick Egan| S alt Lake Tribune

wouldn't it be fun to go to Barnum and Bailey's circus this weekend? i've recently been wanting to be an acrobat.

thanks family.

2010-09-23T09:09:00.001-06:00

thanks kate, mom + dad. not pictured: parker, jon + jenn, phoebe + megan, laura, lori. melissa, and emily. st. george lds temple.

"is mcdonald there?"

2010-09-20T20:16:00.002-06:00

small beauty of living with mom and dad this fall:

about once a week i am sitting in my mother's kitchen when i hear a loud knocking on the front door--the kind of knocking that you expect the UPS man or the police to do. but it is no such company. it is, in fact, small neighborhood children. i open the door and find these depressingly beautiful children. they have big grins on their faces, but also look at me in fear because to them i am a stranger.

"we're here to see mcdonald," they say. now, mcdonald is my last name and i know that these cute kids are here to see my mom because she feeds them popsicles and lets them do whatever they want as long as they promise not to tell their moms, but why are they calling her mcdonald? not sister mcdonald or mrs. mcdonald--but literally: "is mcdonald here?"

"who's mcdonald?" i reply. to which they start giggling as if i was their grandfather just trying to get their goat. "you mean, carolyn?"

they are so adorable and tiptoe into our house as if it was a magical land that they can only muster up the courage to come into about once every two weeks. and my mom talks in a magical little whisper and takes them down to the garage where they smash all our diet coke cans (magical, right?).

and of course, 2 hershey kisses right before dinner...but don't tell your mommies.

nalgene and loss.

2010-09-15T23:18:00.002-06:00

dad's old nalgene from our great hike today.

the transition phase we call puberty that tweens and teens go through is understood, even expected, and sympathized by society at large. the changes young adolescents experience are not just physical--and the world stands by as a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, never expecting a 13-year-old to be polished or poised, confident or caring.

of course i experienced all these changes at the appropriate age and compliment my audiences on their patience and perseverance in seeing my potential. recently, however, i feel i am undergoing a similar transition of not a physical nature but personally and socially. i feel the same kind of added awareness of my own actions i felt when i was 13, but for completely different reasons. and people keep telling me, "you seem different." or "you've changed." well, what should a person say to that? why, yes. i have changed since i was 17 and have attended three years of college. and the spectators of my life don't wait patiently for me to fully acclimate because my awkward pause of transition is only taking place inside.

looking back on my years of consciousness, i feel my present mind is a bit stifled, and perhaps swallowed. the archives of this cyber journal are the perfect display of my loss of thoughtfulness, reflection, and writing habits over time.

case in point:

i wrote this at the beginning of july and never finished.

i can hardly believe it's july. i feel comfortable with the idea, although it seems impossible that i've lived in washington, d.c. for over 2 months. as far as cities go, i love it here. i think in my mind i have this idea that i've lived in cities all over the country

and i wrote this at the beginning of august. and never finished.
goodbye d.c., hello august. i feel a loss of openness in my life over the past three years. when i started this blog, almost three years ago exactly, i felt i had nothing to hide and nothing to prove. when i began experiencing things--moving away from home, going to college, making new friends, parting with old ones--floods of words would come to my mind and expressing myself via keyboard felt easy, gratifying. those moments of true expression when i had put into words my abstract emotions and impressions

ending my third year of college didn't even phase me. not one heartfelt goodbye, not a single blog entry about the passing of time or the way my life is always changing, like a baby gap.

i remember my journalism professor told me once that we generally want to do what people tell us we're good at. i think for me, this was definitely the case. when people ask me why i went into journalism, i tell them i went into it because i wanted to write. that was it for me--whatever it was, travel writing, blogging, the atlantic, whatever--that was it.

i don't really know what my point is. but i know that my brain isn't empty. it just doesn't think the way it used to--in constant blogging narrative. i wish it did.

deep beauty.

2010-09-13T17:36:00.005-06:00

my mind and heart are so full these days, that i can hardly think of anything at all.

i have been thinking about deep beauty, however, thanks to sister Dalton. she told this story:

When I was attending Brigham Young University, I learned what it truly means to be a queen. I was given a unique opportunity, along with a small group of other students, to meet the prophet, President David O. McKay. I was told to wear my best dress and to be ready to travel early the next morning to Huntsville, Utah, to the home of the prophet. I will never forget the experience I had. As soon as we entered the home, I felt the spirit which filled that home. We were seated in the prophet’s living room, surrounding him. President McKay had on a white suit, and seated next to him was his wife. He asked for each of us to come forward and tell him about ourselves. As I went forward, he held out his hand and held mine, and as I told him about my life and my family, he looked deeply into my eyes.

After we had finished, he leaned back in his chair and reached for his wife’s hand and said, “Now, young women, I would like you to meet my queen.” There seated next to him was his wife, Emma Ray McKay. Although she did not wear a crown of sparkling diamonds, nor was she seated on a throne, I knew she was a true queen. Her white hair was her crown, and her pure eyes sparkled like jewels. As President and Sister McKay spoke of their family and their life together, their intertwined hands spoke volumes about their love. Joy radiated from their faces. Hers was a beauty that cannot be purchased. It came from years of seeking the best gifts, becoming well educated, seeking knowledge by study and also by faith. It came from years of hard work, of faithfully enduring trials with optimism, trust, strength, and courage. It came from her unwavering devotion and fidelity to her husband, her family, and the Lord.

On that fall day in Huntsville, Utah, I was reminded of my divine identity, and I learned about what I now call “deep beauty”—the kind of beauty that shines from the inside out. It is the kind of beauty that cannot be painted on, surgically created, or purchased. It is the kind of beauty that doesn’t wash off. It is spiritual attractiveness. Deep beauty springs from virtue. It is the beauty of being chaste and morally clean. It is the kind of beauty that you see in the eyes of virtuous women like your mother and grandmother. It is a beauty that is earned through faith, repentance, and honoring covenants.

Elaine S. Dalton, "Remember Who You Are!", April 2010 General Young Women Meeting

backyard gathering.

2010-08-23T20:23:00.004-06:00

megan threw me the cutest little gathering as a homecoming/farewell/birthday party. she is the best friend i could ask for. thanks so much to megan. for all the times i wished she was with me at byu/india/d.c., i'm so grateful she's here now. i couldn't survive the next 2 months without her.

many of these boys i hadn't seen for 2 years! i was so glad to see them, hug them, and talk to them like adults. i was so impressed with them.

this bag was the token souvenir from Obamatown. i knew no one would love it like meg did.

faithfully a hidden life.

2010-08-04T20:39:00.001-06:00

"for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life."

- George Eliot, Middlemarch, pg. 799

good morning.

2010-08-04T07:06:00.001-06:00

I really like this small drawing series I saw on ny times Abstract City blog this morning. reminds me of my flight to Bangalore. wish I could draw.

new york 10: staten island ferry.

2010-08-03T12:00:00.003-06:00

after visiting the park, I got off of cloud 9 and onto the subway, off of the subway and onto Staten Island Ferry. I did very little planning for this trip and ended up not having enough time to do the entire Ellis Island thing. so when I learned that Becky Hayes and crew had left me on my own because I was a minute too late, the perfect combination of giddy and calm leftover from my You've Got Mail morning was gone.

luckily, I ran right into Papa Barfield. (it really was crazy that all of us Barlowers were seeing each other all over the city) and shortly after we ran into Peter. it was nice, just the three of us. I loved that ferry. what a blessing.

bless the Barlow.

2010-08-03T08:38:00.005-06:00

only four days left. farewell D.C

going to miss this. going to miss AA Jesse--lax and responsible at the same time. Brother Rowberry--bless his heart and his inevitable awkward conversations about interdigitation, . Jay. oh Jay. Ellsworths--excited they can watch the Simpsons again. Becky Hayes. that Becky Hayes. just adore her. will miss her borrowing my clothes, me borrowing hers. will miss visiting the gift shop before the rest of the museum, lying in her bed, smelling her feet, and chatting about Jonas Brothers with her. definitely miss Brooke's bubbly laugh at 7 a.m. and her lovely singing in church. will miss confiding in Allie when I need someone to talk to, and her liberal Boston banter. will miss Hannah's sweet disposition and willingness. Dane's pleadings for Haiti money and Amanda cooking with us in the kitchen, even though she's married! Chris's Toms. will miss Mandy playing with my hair and teaching us Lady Gaga dance moves. will miss Natalie's absurd statements every night, sarcastically asking me to write her paper for her, or to keep the door unlocked while she films a soap opera with the mafia gang outside our window (we actually had this conversation last night). and I'll miss her dvds/books/earrings/wedding invites pile up on her desk. I'll desperately miss Mira. my meerkat. her angrily speaking in Arabic, bringing home McDonald's every day, but still having the hottest bod in the Barlow. Randall's soft heart and delicious sandwiches. Dave + Jessica--so fit. never forget playing Apples to Apples with Dave before Jessica came out to D.C.--so funny. Annique, I love love that girl. will miss her excitedness and openness to me. will miss venting in her room after a long Sunday. will miss Andrea's flip-flops flip-flopping down the hall. and Adam's spicy dance moves. will miss Ryan + Emily more than anyone probably. (these two put up "wanted" posters all around our floor for the culprit who stole their Costco-sized box of taquitos from the freezer. end of story). David's playfulness, and Sweeney. Sweeney deserves a post of her own. will miss her, her lap, and her lap dances so much. Julie + Oliver are so fun, will miss their laughing and stories with belly dancers. Seth--an anomaly. don't know if I'll miss his offensive e-mails and sarcastic jokes--even though they're pretty hilarious. will miss Talyn's cleanliness and articulation. will miss Trevor's teasing and listening and storytelling. will miss the times when Jeff comes to dinner stinky and sweaty, but excited (or hiding disgust) to eat. that boy drives me bonkers. it will be a miracle if I ever understand one thing about him. Russell Frand. guess I'll miss him. perhaps. will miss Josh's tender administration at institute, not to mention him singing Keith Urban at keraoke! won't ever forget Grady's quiet voice and conservative opinions--but mostly him knowing random facts about Pittsburgh and singing--to a T--"won't you be, won't you be, won't you be my neighbor?" Papa Barfield's iPhone and everything that comes with it--like his brain! will miss asking a question and not having Russell there to know the answer. will miss riding to work every day with John Lenahan. will miss Peter's obtuse and oblivious mannerisms, his initiative to hang out with Bob Boilen. I'll miss skyping with him to Lucy and I'll miss his camera. will especially miss Andrew and his appreciation for me. if I spent every day with him, I'd feel like $1 million every day.

missing: my main girl Kailey. she deserves a post of her own that girl. never have I met anyone with more love in their hearts and on their sleeve. this girl knows how to care, knows how to love.

bless the Barlow.

phillips collection.

2010-08-03T08:19:00.002-06:00

peter. the closest he's come to a bicycle all summer. (peter has a camera and I love stealing it to take pictures. oh how I wish I had my own! someday.)

kid-zone in the basement of the gallery. most fun we had all day. if anyone can find these soft, colorful, sculpting wires I will give them $1 million. they were so fun to play with!

andrea.

the Phillips Collection was one of my favorite galleries I've been to all summer. my favorite was the Pousette-Dart Predominantly White exhibit.

did you hear?

2010-08-02T19:35:00.007-06:00

sAriel and Steve got married! it was an affair to remember and I'm so glad I was able to fly back tto Utah for the events and to be with my bffls Ariel and Steve.

the lovely array of pom-poms called for fanning +flaring + girl talk between the bride, Lene, and me. treasured time before her big day.

the three "semi=formal" boycotters. we got a little confused about what sort of dress the wedding dinner was to be.

Park City was beautiful and it was lovely to be back in Utah. wedding party + family sat round and told embarrassing stories about the bride and groom.

wedding quilt was amazing. if I want one thing at my wedding, it's a wedding quilt.

day two: waiting outside the temple. all of us roommates!

took pictures with Ariel's camera...which is why I have hardly any pictures myself.

bridesmaids.

was so good to see brooke + gordy. family to me.

between the temple and the pictures and reception, a lot of driving was in order to retrieve sign-in book pens, garter, ring pillow, getaway car supplies, and gifts.

bride + groom driving to take pictures.

Parker! Parker is one of our oldest friends from freshman year who just got home from his mission. it was so fun to see him and have him be a groomsman. Lene and I dragged him around in the backseat all day. he didn't seem to mind?

jess, me, lene, rylee.

getting ready in the bathroom. had a little struggle getting the shoes on but we made it. again, treasured minutes that we'll never have back again.

I've lived and slept and ate and breathed with this girl for the past two years. and I don't know that I've ever seen her more calm than she was on her wedding day. is she not the most beautiful bride? can't wait to see Keira's photos.

we danced the night away to Baby Bieber, Beyonce, and Phil Collins. what a wedding.

camping.

2010-07-29T08:08:00.003-06:00

clarksburg, md.

this is enough happiness to last me forever.
peter behind the lens.

new york 09: the subway.

2010-07-29T07:53:00.003-06:00

one of the times I was on the New York City subway, I saw an advertisement for a book that collected a bunch of stories from celebrities and their first encounter with New York. if I loved NY just a little bit more, I would probably buy this book because it rang so true to me...a first time in NY is pivotal. when I came I had high hopes, and was surprised at my own reaction--pleased, satisfied.

new york 08: in love in a movie part 1.

2010-07-28T14:42:00.004-06:00

5/28

@ 91st street gardens in Riverside Park in New York City, upper west side.

sharing a bench with a small bird and sitting where Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks meet up in "You've Got Mail." this is a pinnacle of my summer. it is as beautiful as I imagined and I just love it. New York is meaningful to me because of movies. I can relate to the city because of them. it is wonderful. of course I just know Tom Hanks or someone like unto him is going to meet me here, wiping my tears and kiss me like Clark Gable.

but as Rosie O'Donnel tells Meg in "Sleepless in Seattle," 'you don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie.' if any statement defines me, it's that. really. not just about being in love in a movie though...everything. my imagination, my dreaming heart envisions things in perfect, Utopian forms. whether it's a bridal shower, a potluck dish, a date, a class, a paper, a hairdo, or a conversation. I am constantly anticipating the scenes dreams are made of. but the more I live, the less disappointed I am and the more I choose to make reality my new dream.

self-timer in ny public.

to remember:

I woke up early, even after an exhausting night in New York, got ready while my host was sleeping. I remember I didn't bring a blow dryer on the trip, assuming I would be able to borrow one. but there was not one visible and I didn't want to wake anyone up. I tried to straighten my hair while still wet. nothing devastating happened, thank goodness. I creaked around on the old wood floor in Chelsea's beautiful, naturally-lit apartment.

I made it all the way to the upper west side all by myself. on the subway (as the New Yorkers call what I know as the metro), I saw a missionary couple or mission presidents on their p-day. they ran into some girls going to the temple, one returned sister missionary who seemed to know them. this made me grin from ear to ear. I couldn't believe I could get from point a to point b all by myself in New York City. (remembering now that it was still only weeks after I moved from Utah to the east coast and could barely use the D.C. metro on my own, let alone the New York subway). I was Kathleen Kelly herself as I hopped off the metro and made my way to Riverside Park.

I walked in the park probably 25 blocks before I realized I was going the wrong way. everywhere everyone was with dogs. how could I not think of Brinkley? I called Melissa, my New Yorker sister. she had just finished her first year of med school! so proud of her.

I sat and imagined, over and over, that Tom Hanks would come around that corner.

+do you have a place you've been to or want to go to that's special just because something special happened there?

pictures of me. i love the white house.

2010-07-28T12:42:00.005-06:00

me + andrew.

this is how I feel...all the time. especially when I'm with these boys. (Jeff, Andrew, John, Peter, Russell)

got to go inside the White House. it was incredible and though I did not see President Obama nor his family, I feel like we hung out all day. I love Barack. my friend Andrew was nice enough to take numerous pictures of me on his iPhone and what else would I do with pictures of myself besides post them in large format on the world wide web?

certainly, everyone feels some sort of connection to the White House and I am no exception. it belongs to the American people and I just wanted to hang out there for a while. the secret service officers were super nice! they get to see Presiden Obama nearly every day! Andrew made the mistake of calling one secret service agent "security officer" to which she kindly informed us that as a member of the top police force, she has jurisdiction over the entire world. awesome. we also met Agent Solis. he was incredibly kind and even took our business cards (I don't have any, of course) and e-mailed us about joining the USSS.

I took home a $1.06 souvenir: a small notebook with Misty Malarky Ying Yang (Jimmy Carter's cat) on the front. needless to say, I wanted to stay forever.

commitment to blog.

2010-07-27T21:23:00.004-06:00

I promise tomorrow that you'll be glad to know where these feet of mine were standing in NY. am very excited to be a better blogger. xo.

growing up, turning 21.

2010-07-27T11:52:00.003-06:00

isn't this so beautiful? this is one of my best friends from elementary and middle school. my best friend, actually. and look at her--she is amazing! her little Harlo is also just beautiful. a friend, Errin Andrus took these photos and I am just breath taken.

also on Errin's site and on Mikki's are pictures of another childhood friend, Brittany. she is stunning. and I am so happy for her new little family. I just can't believe I grew up with them.

my time in D.C. is wrapping up and it goes without saying that I have not been a diligent record keeper on this surface--the blog. however, my journal remains full as does my camera memory card. I am promising myself to post everything together, here.

I have done a lot of growing up this summer and this year. 365 days ago I was in India, realizing how little time I had left with the sweetest children in the world. today I'm realizing how little time I have left in D.C. and to be young in general. I'm living it up the best I can. hopes and dreams drape my mind as usual and I find myself content, happy as a clam.

really, I am hoping to see more people in person than I have been recently. I'm sick of facebook stalking and gchatting. I want to spend a few hours on Phoebe's couch, and hold that little Elijah in my arms. I want to write in my journal on Melissa's bed, and eat Katie's cafe rio salad. I want to go to breakfast with Megan and Carly, and play mini-baseball with all those boys I haven't seen in 2 years! I want Emily to paint my fingernails and my mom to make salsa with me. I can't wait to visit baby Olive and all those Larkin children who perhaps forgot me by now. I want to see Ariel's newly-wed home and have a dance party with Lene, Audrey, and Dani. ready for some face time.

i miss my nephew.

2010-07-22T20:50:00.001-06:00

i'm so excited to see baby Elijah in a few weeks. i hate that he's growing up without me. guess i should get to used to it!

dc everyday items.

2010-07-20T09:23:00.004-06:00

my most essential D.C. everyday items:
1. pocket moleskine (for all things significant and otherwise)
2. hi-tec-c 0.25 mm japanese stationery pen (this is the site I get these..cheap and pretty reliable)
3. smartrip. can't leave home without it!
4. rosebud salve. comes in gloss form now, but I like the pot. plus, I live a few blocks away from the huge Sephora in Georgetown.

paris.

2010-07-20T09:16:00.001-06:00

i've never wanted to go to Paris until I saw this picture.

happy birthday chels.

2010-07-15T07:48:00.002-06:00

still miss you girl.

urban drawing.

2010-07-13T12:22:00.002-06:00

one of my small drawings.

another collection from this past weekend.

not mine, from Urban Sketchers. (I wish I could draw like that!)

I came across this site and it reminded me how badly I want to take a drawing class. I really am going to. and I'm going to get better. living in an urban setting really does make drawing so much more relevant.

ariel's bridals.

2010-07-12T12:15:00.004-06:00

all photos by Keira Haddock of Peace and Pandemonium

look at these gorgeous photos of one of my best friends for the past 2 years. I sort of had to digest these slowly when I saw Ariel in that beautiful gown. isn't she majestic? I can't wait to go home sweet Utah in 3 days to see her and Steve. click above to see more.

new york 07: times square at night.

2010-07-08T23:31:00.003-06:00

in sum, the day's (May 28, 2010) events went like this: wake up, try to find a Starbucks, instead find the streets of New York, some bagels, and the sound of my own heart beating; head off to Times Square, 30 rock, and shopping; hot dog, grape soda, and a Carrie cupcake in Central Park; visit Apple store and FAO Schwarz; meet up with Kailey, Russell, and Russell and head to Chinatown after a quick look in Tiffany's; in Chinatown we ran into missionaries and tried to draw in a crowd for them, and also bought a $5 pashmina for the chill winds in NY that weekend; go to the Yankees game! I was the only one without a ticket and had to bum one off a charming salesman. it only took me about 20 minutes to find the $20, a reasonable price to pay for the funnest thing I did in NY; after the ball game we went back to Times Square to enjoy cheesecake; I considered going to the Empire State Building but decided it would be best to get home while I still had some guardians.

the group. Russell F., Jeff, Andrew, David F., John, Annique, Hannah, Brooke, Andrea, me.
some girls.
Jeff (left) had this thing about seeing Spiderman in New York.

we ran into Emily and Ryan in Times Square. Later, Jeff and John and I ran into Kailey and Sweeney in McDonald's. it was weird how we kept running into each other like we were on BYU campus or something.

new york 06: go yankees.

2010-07-08T23:26:00.002-06:00

1. I love the Yankees. I always have secretly, even though most everyone seems to love the Red Sox. they're fine too. but I just love those pinstripes.

2. the Yankees game was the funnest thing I did in New York. I loved it.

me + Annique.

David F., Annique, Andrea, Andrew, and Brooke.

new york 05: the big piano.

2010-07-07T10:04:00.003-06:00

the big piano was as fun as I imagined. more fun even. like I said, New York means nothing to me without movies, and this was no exception.

blurry.

kids were making me really happy on this trip, especially these kids. they were sliding around and it was hilarious. I was hysterical over it and I think their mom thought it was funnier because I was there, laughing at them.

I really liked FAO Schwarz. I'd go back there and buy a giant giraffe. for sure.

new york 04: lunch in central park.

2010-07-07T09:51:00.002-06:00

i loved Central Park. really. it's everything it should be. and it's huge. i loved this bubble guy and glad this picture captured those crazy kids running around.

for lunch we got $1 hot dogs and grape soda with a Magnolia Bakery cupcake for dessert. I got the "Carrie cupcake" and it was delicious. although, Natalie's red velvet was better. I actually sort of hate the cupcake craze. but then again, they're so delicious.

new york 03: shopping

2010-07-07T09:23:00.003-06:00

for some reason i didn't spend any money on this trip. i bought about 4 things: a tiny empire state building (which i happen to love), a $5 pashmina and $15 perfume in chinatown, and a bus ticket.

seriously, i didn't buy any food there. i ate out once in little italy, and the rest of the time ate small groceries. there was one day when i think the only thing i ate was a box of chewy bars.

but it was really fun to see all the shopping and it reminded me of Georgetown but on a giant scale. of course, the girls and I made it into Tiffany's up to the 3rd floor with all the diamonds. no purchases though.

Natalie and i fortuitously meandered into American Girl Place, the store of our childhood dreams. I did not purchase a tiny American Girl Doll accessory, but Natalie did. it was heaven in there, seriously.

since this song was playing through my head the entire weekend, I thought of one of my best friends Cami.

Natalie, Kailey, me. I love this picture. it is exactly accurate of meeting up in New York at that very moment.

new york 02: times square and on the streets.

2010-07-07T07:56:00.006-06:00

we stayed just a few blocks from times square. which i loved. our friend Chelsea was gracious enough to let us sleep on her couch in her naturally-lit ny apartment.

i love the new york times. as much as i distance myself from my career choice, the ny times makes me feel like a star for wanting to be a journalist.

natalie and me in times square. we kept on getting places and asking, "is this it?....this must be it." and then walk 100 yards further and say, "oh, this is it." i guess i was looking for 2 of 3 things: wicked, mama mia, and virgin mobile.

yeah, i don't know.

one of my favorite things about Natalie is that she has a weird obsession with collecting things. and not just coins or stamps. she collects jobs for her resume (that girl has worked in the most eclectic array of jobs), earrings, friends, license plates, dvds, etc. it seems like once a week she's talking about another collection she used to have. i love it about her and was willing to go to any length to help her get one more destination flat penny thingy when we stopped at the times square visitor center.

in the visitor center they had a wonderful wall of wishes from the new year, displaying what people wished for in 2010. feeling homesick that weekend, i wrote "a hike with my family."

30 rockefeller plaza. i don't really know why this place is famous but Natalie and i had fun in the NBC gift shop, buying Chuck merchandise. when we went outside, lo and behold, my epitome of new york came into view--ann staples! it was a miracle! she was out there waiting for Karly, who was doing an internship upstairs at the Today Show. it was amazing to see her and of course, she was 100% new york. i loved! seeing her.

olive and ivy.

2010-07-01T07:53:00.002-06:00

another little Patten baby was born! Olive. how darling. i am so happy for Erica and Chris and all the Ludlows. i miss them right along with my own family. i can't wait to visit. i keep looking at Ivy's old baby pictures to compare. so cute. xo.

it's tiny.

2010-06-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

the worst oil spills in history.

new york 01: new york has no starbucks.

2010-06-13T20:16:00.003-06:00

day 1: my roommate Natalie and I arrived at our dear friend Chelsea's house late Thursday night via Chinatown bus. I had some unfinished work to do before Friday so I didn't know what to do when I found out Chelsea didn't have internet access. but no fear, right, because there's a Starbucks on every corner? well. it took my about 20 blocks to find one, and then it was $3.99 to get access. it was fun, though, to get lost and see some random streets in New York on my first morning. I didn't feel like a tourist, especially on my way home when I dropped in a city market to get some fresh bagels and some fruit. Meg Ryan, right?

new york: nonfiction.

2010-06-13T19:27:00.003-06:00

i never had a real affinity for the city of New York until my best friend in 7th grade, Karly, came back from vacation. she seemed to know so much about broadway, fashion, news and stardom. she was in love with New York, so naturally, i was too. even though i had never visited the city, i planned to apply to NYU when i graduated high school.

come time for applying for schools, i did all the right things to apply to NYU. i applied and didn't get in. i don't remember being heartbroken or even disappointed. i had already gotten into BYU which was an idea i hadn't entertained fully until i didn't get into NYU. who knows what my parents were thinking when i applied to go to college at not just a prestigious, expensive school, but one in the big apple. they probably knew all along i wouldn't get in, but never dashed my dreams. not once. i think i remember my mom asking me if i thought i was going to live like Felicity if i went to NYU. of course i didn't have plans to, but i'm sure the romantic notion entered my mind once or twice when i was writing my essays. i don't blame her one bit for guessing that's what i had in mind.
for the most part, after my NYU application, i lost interest in the whole New York thing. i know i was excited freshmen year when i heard Newsweek reserves two internship spots for BYU's journalism program--that was my dream. to write for Newsweek in New York.

the longer i studied and explored my options, New York faded. it wasn't so much that New York was any less appealing, but India, D.C., etc. were so much more appealing. after meeting a few people who talked incessantly about New York that it drove me mad, my affinity for the city lessened. i guess before i went, the glitter rubbed right off.

well, i went there for the first time over Memorial Day weekend. how can i say what it was? all i can say is that it was a lovely city, and i can see myself living there for some time. i don't know about continuing to visit there...there's too much hustle and bustle. but if you got me a small apartment on the upper west side (dream on, right?) and gave me a city-dwelling dog, fresh flowers in butcher paper, and some reusable grocery bags, i could do it, could love it. yes, i just described Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. and that sort of sums up the city for me. everything that is meaningful to me in New York City revolves around movies. namely Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail--my two favorite movies (Titanic is now third if you were wondering). I tried to reenact both movies as best as possible.

Karly is currently doing the communications internship there, and i couldn't imagine anyone more suited. that girl is going places--wherever she wants. it doesn't have to be New York City, but it could be if that's what she wanted.

although i will always be a Utah girl, i think Washington D.C. suits me well. i like the small-ness of it, the cleanliness, the professionalism, the style, the class. but i can't say New York didn't have it's beautifully designed parks, a love of books, the smell of coffee, the raw magic of street performers, and all the symbolism of upward mobility, materialism, and the great American Dream.

two things:

2010-06-11T23:03:00.003-06:00

1. i really like wishing wells.

2. i've started washing my hair with only shampoo. i used to use conditioner every time i washed, but then some girls at the Barlow said they only use conditioner once every few times. so i tried it. it has revolutionized my entire routine. some of the effects include: faster to blow dry, less oily scalp (except at the beginning because my scalp was adjusting), less oily face, when i wake up in the morning, my hair is still straight!

i've never seen titanic.

2010-06-10T23:27:00.001-06:00

until tonight. and i love leonardo dicaprio. and this movie.

more pictures of brotherly love.

2010-06-07T12:05:00.003-06:00

annique is a sweetheart and just started playing these kids.

me, kailey, natalie and jeff in front of Constitution hall.

i messed around with Peter's camera a little.

ryan and emily are the best married couple. i want them to adopt me.

our professor's girls.

me and natalie

my lovely roommate natalie took lovely pictures of philly. i thought i would share some of them.

oil spill(s).

2010-06-07T11:36:00.003-06:00

photos by boston.com

the 49-day-and-counting oil spill has most likely invoked in you the same reaction as me. it's making all of us sick. the amount of oil spilled is certainly alarming. i read (via mongabay.com) a statistic today that on May 31,

the federal government says that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has currently released approximately 504,000 to 798,000 barrels of oil into the Gulf based on forty one days of leaking: about 2-4 percent of the United States' one day consumption.

2-4%.

photo

and a co-worker of mine also led me to some reports that while we make a huge fuss over the Gulf spill, people in the Nigerian Delta are used to it. read the guardian to learn more, but what I understand is that oil spills take place multiple times a year off the Nigerian coast in much higher amounts than the Gulf spill.

In fact, more oil is spilled from the delta's network of terminals, pipes, pumping stations and oil platforms every year than has been lost in the Gulf of Mexico, the site of a major ecological catastrophe caused by oil that has poured from a leak triggered by the explosion that wrecked BP's Deepwater Horizon rig last month.
That disaster, which claimed the lives of 11 rig workers, has made headlines round the world. By contrast, little information has emerged about the damage inflicted on the Niger delta. Yet the destruction there provides us with a far more accurate picture of the price we have to pay for drilling oil today.
A spokesman for the Stakeholder Democracy Network in Lagos, which works to empower those in communities affected by the oil companies' activities, said: "The response to the spill in the United States should serve as a stiff reminder as to how far spill management in Nigeria has drifted from standards across the world."

national cathedral.

2010-06-06T23:15:00.002-06:00

the national cathedral is so amazing. i know i keep saying things are my favorite, but this is one of the coolest things i've been to in dc. i feel like Catholic masses are part of my heritage, and something about them makes me feel like home. it especially makes me miss my mother.

Nats' game.

2010-06-06T23:12:00.001-06:00

me, becky, hannah.

andrea, natalie.

andrew, seth, talyn. so typical.

go Nationals!

me at the u.s. capitol.

2010-06-06T23:11:00.001-06:00

press conference.

Nancy Pelosi's office.

2010-06-06T22:53:00.005-06:00

a few weeks ago, one of our briefers was Kay King (read her awesome BYU Marriot school commencement speech here) who works with Nancy Pelosi on the Council of Foreign Affairs. in addition to speaking with us, she allowed us to hang out in Speaker Pelosi's office and balcony for a while. it was incredible! definitely one of the coolest things i've done in d.c.

the view from the speaker's desk.

these fresh flowers were everywhere. doesn't she have great taste?

this amazed me. this is a birthday present from President Obama. it is the original manuscript of a hearing for a bill that Speaker Pelosi's father sponsored in 1940, and that Eleanore Roosevelt testified at. isn't that the most thoughtful gift?

another thoughtful birthday gift.

did you know Nancy Pelosi has five children, who she raised at home until they were all grown, after which she became the 60th Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives? so incredible.

on the balcony.

bike ride to mount vernon.

2010-06-06T22:16:00.006-06:00

on May 14, a bunch of us BYU interns rented bikes in Virginia and rode them to Mount Vernon. I can't say I really appreciated Mount Vernon until I visited it, but George Washington's former estate is beautiful.

the path there was absolutely beautiful. it made me feel like home again.

me and becky en route.

i loved these fields all over the estate. i had to wonder if George and Martha every had a Saturday afternoon picnic there.

or tea out on their back porch,

looking at this view.

i loved this tree in their backyard.

the mansion

General Washington planted this tree. couldn't believe it.

in the museum they asked, "how many cities and counties are named after Pres. Washington?" of course, i knew of one...

the tomb of George and Martha Washington.

I am the resurrection and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet he shall live; and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. john 11:25-26

i saw these boys several times throughout the day at Mount Vernon and sort of fell in love with them. this is them down at the wharf.

my view of the white house.

2010-06-06T21:28:00.004-06:00

the white house. this is the familiar view, though it's actually the back. who knew?

beehives. who knew?

michelle's gardens. I knew my mom would love this because she has a greeeeeeen thumb.

back in May when my days weren't occupied by an internship full-time, I toured around town like crazy. on one day, I visited some friends whose internship takes place just near the White House. this was my first time seeing la casa blanca. it was great. it is, actually, kind of anti-climactic but still enjoyable for me.

beautiful photos.

2010-06-01T14:02:00.003-06:00

All photos by Kiera Haddock of Peace and Pandemonium

Ariel and Steve got their engagement photos taken, and they turned out so beautiful. the combination of Ariel's perfect taste, her gorgeous face and skinny little body with Steve's charm and good looks, make any photos of them look good. but I think the photographer did an outstanding job. oh I just can't wait for this wedding.

coming home (via pioneer woman)

2010-05-25T20:31:00.005-06:00

i saw these "coming home" images on pioneer woman and just loved them. happy memorial day coming up. i'm looking forward to being in dc for the holiday. the first image of the series with the newborn is so beautiful!)

skyperhooey

molly darling

pictures of philadelphia + valley forge.

2010-05-13T21:55:00.002-06:00

please don't let these pictures be my only memory of philadelphia. for it was a delightful vacation with an unreliable camera. (luckily, my generous sister emily sent me her old camera and it works beautifully. i love it.) but last weekend we took a trip to valley forge and philadelphia. i liked philadelphia.

martha washington's china cabinet.

2010-05-12T17:46:00.002-06:00

at Valley Forge. when we went to Valley Forge we went inside Washington's headquarters/home there. I loved the coloring in this little cabinet. I'm guessing it's not authentic. but what if it was?

a pretty package.

2010-05-11T13:33:00.002-06:00

i got a pretty little package from ariel yesterday. i was so excited about it.

i can't wait to see what the wedding will be!

dc temple.

2010-05-09T21:03:00.003-06:00

me and talyn. i'm really grateful she decided to come at the last minute

i really love this picture. me. people...teddy. robert. david.

because I heard it was pretty rare that young adults get to go to the temple to do baptisms, I was really excited that our ward was going last week. I couldn't believe how beautiful the DC temple is! the guy who gave us a ride even offered to take us on the east beltway to get the amazing view from faraway. it was spectacular. what if I got married in this temple? that'd be fun huh?

eastern market.

2010-05-04T10:39:00.003-06:00

eastern market. camera = unreliable.

kailey + me.

our new DC friend, Katie, came with us to the Eastern Market, which is essentially a giant farmers market/flea market. I think I loved it the most. I love being outside with all those artists and farmers and crafters. the flea market had a few stands that I just loved including vintage linens and old maps. I really want something from both of them.

Katie and Kailey became friends with this little puppy on the right. his owner was the brother of this Indian man, Nandu. as I was talking with him I found out he was from Chennai and his wife was from Bangalore--which is about as close as it gets to where I was living in India last summer. it was so great to talk with him.

it seems almost every moment I find myself drawing parallels between India and DC. I'm not sure if it's just the traveling part, the being away from home, the city-life, or what. but I miss India more than ever and am talking about it constantly. I'm so sorry for all my Barlow Center comrades who have to hear me blab about it. Molly is going back for graduation! I'm eternally jealous. I am hoping to make it back to India soon.

Nandu was so kind and humble and talking with him put me in a funny mood--although he's been living in California for 25 years, he is still so Indian. I mean, he was Americanized in many ways, and I was only with him for maybe five minutes. but his essence was humble and warm and just looking in his eyes reminded me of how much I love Indians. he reminded me of the times I would look into the eyes of the children and feel so clearly the love of God. I was reminded last week of the line from Les Mis, "to love another person is to see the face of God." that's how I feel when I look into the eyes of Indians.

after the Eastern Market, we ate at Potbelly, a greasy-sandwich place, but apparently a DC must. it was delicious, and so greasy. after eating we did a little shopping and then went to the National Portrait Gallery and Gallery of American Art.

the museum was so amazing. I loved it. Kailey and I, both American Studies majors, just about died at the paintings and people we are so familiar with. we both regretted that we didn't remember more of it. I remember always wanting to see these paintings in person, and I just started a summer of it. some of the highlights were John Winthrop, Charles Wilson Peale, Benjamin West, John Singleton Copley, John Marshall (such a cute little guy!), Gilbert Stuart, Edgar Allen Poe, Washington Irving, George Catlin, Robert E. Lee, Joseph Smith & Brigham Young, Winslow Homer, Clover Adams, Betty Friedan, A. Phillip Randolph, Mary Church Terrell, too many to list!

I loved it. I saw Abbot Thayer's original "Angel" painting and giant print photos of Lincoln. it was breathtaking. I love it.

arlington cemetery on sunday.

2010-05-04T10:33:00.004-06:00

the tomb of the unknown soldier:

"here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God."

when I first arrived there, the setting was so peaceful. a little bird lightly landed on the tomb memorial. he flew to the building behind us and started to sing. it was a mourning dove, koo-loo-koo---koo---koo.

I remember Mrs. Howell, my 11th grade US History teacher telling us how remarkable Arlington is, and that you can't see the end of the gravestones. I never grasped that fully, obviously, until I saw the same thing.

russell f. kaliey. russell b. peter. andrea.

"it is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, these ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

the national zoo.

2010-05-04T10:19:00.001-06:00

was a bust. highlight? the otters. Russell and I were not impressed and only talked about the great zoos we saw in Brazil and India and Mexico. is that unpatriotic?

friday, april 30.

2010-05-04T09:55:00.003-06:00

on Fridays, we have class all day from like 8-4 or so. "class" includes 2 or 3 "briefers," or speakers from the DC area who have something neat to share with us. after class, a few of us went down to the waterfront, where I plan to spend a lot of time.

also, my camera is super unreliable and often takes pictures with very light in them. so when I get them into iPhoto I enhance them, and some of them turn into this vintage looking photo. kind of cool, but still wish I had a reliable camera! I guess I'm planning on getting one soon. but for the mean time, here are some photos.

after the waterfront, we met up with a few others to go to Alexandria, VA--just a few metro stops away. it's a beautiful little town and King Street in Alexandria is an intern favorite, complete with old-time shops and restaurants, up-scale shopping and sometimes street performers. we ate at a Moroccan restaurant called "Casa Blanca" (go figure) for a pretty little penny. there was even a belly dancer which was fun. after Casa Blanca we went walking along and found a great crystal-glass player.

it was a lovely day.

mira.

kailey. mira. amy.

kailey.

me + annique on the metro! I love the metro.

me + julie and oliver. they're such a fun married couple slash I want them to adopt me.

amy. kailey. mira. trevor. sweeney = sweenalicious.

this guy was THE BEST! he had like 60 glasses with distilled water in them, and playing beautiful music. he played symphonies and John Williams. it was amazing.

library of congress.

2010-05-04T09:52:00.002-06:00

russell. peter.

last week, Peter, Russell and I got our Library of Congress cards. I'm really excited to go there and research a little. I don't think I'll have any clue what I'm doing but...the first thing I'll look for is the original manuscripts of the NAACP meetings in the 1920s.

on American history.

2010-04-27T20:49:00.003-06:00

Because I'm waiting on a few clearances before I can start my internship, I was kind of bummed today while everyone else started their new job. They all looked so great and professional. As Dr. Goodliffe told us, "you gotta look good in DC!" While I really do wish I had started today, I can be grateful for the chance I have to really wear this city out before I'm a 9-to-5er.

Today I spent the afternoon in the Smithsonian National Museum of American History. The two and a half hours I spent there weren't enough to get through one of the three floors there. It was incredible. I guess it's no surprise that going to a museum (especially one at the pinnacle of one of my majors--American Studies) is a personal and almost spiritual experience. But I was sort of caught off guard when certain exhibits moved me. The very first exhibit is one featuring the enormous flag hurled at the victory of the War of 1812, when Francis Scott Keyes was inspired to write the Star-Spangled Banner. I've never felt strongly about the flag until today. It was beautiful and felt monumental. I was also especially touched by the Abraham Lincoln exhibit, called "An Extraordinary Life."

It started out with an excerpt from an incredible poem, written by Lincoln in 1846 (entire poem here).

My child-hood home I see again,

And gladden with the view;

And still as mem'ries crowd my brain,

There's sadness in it too--

O memory! thou mid-way world

'Twixt Earth and Paradise;

Where things decayed, and loved ones lost

In dreamy shadows rise--

I range the fields with pensive tread,

I pace the hollow rooms;

And feel (companion of the dead)

I'm living in the tombs

Obviously, this is a good starter to a tearful 30 minutes in memory of the man we love. I really can't put my finger on it--the flag or President Lincoln. I've never been able to figure out why America has been so important to me. I can only reflect on all the times I've felt it is important. With my study of international development and my experiences in India, I have to often wonder, why do I want to study America? What's the use in that? Who am I really helping? But for some reason, this country and its rich history sit inside sacred places of my heart. I'm not sure I understand it fully now. But I know I can trace these feelings to several influential people.

Mrs. Howell, my AP U.S. History teacher, junior year of high school. She was passionate and definitely motivated us to be the same. She taught us to question typical readings of historical events. For example, the first day of class we had to read an American Indian account of Christopher Columbus. It was brilliant. I'd never been exposed to such a critique of the discovery of America. She also made us dress up as significant players of the Progressive Era. I remember her wonderful monologue as Abigail Adams. She prepared us for the AP exam so well.

When I got to college, Dr. Kimball taught my American Heritage class. He also taught with perspectives I'd never heard before. I learned a ton and by the end I knew I wanted to be a TA for American Heritage. I really was never able to pinpoint why though. I just knew it was something I had to have. And now two years later, I'm positive I can't go back to BYU and not TA. I love that class. And I love teaching it.

My first semester TAing was with Dr. Holland. Dr. Holland, not surprisingly, also brought a viewpoint to the table that I hadn't thought of before. I feel I can contribute most of the emotions I felt about Abraham Lincoln today, to him. Remember this post? These facts and Dr. Holland's teachings/writings about Lincoln replayed in my head as I examined his top hat and compared the size of my hand to his. Not only did Dr. Holland motivate me every single lecture to study America and to help solve its problems as well as adhere to the founding and the Constitution, he also advised me so many times on what to do with my life. He made himself so accessible and made time for me whenever I dropped by. When I was having a dilemma about my major (as I do most semesters), he gave me wise advice--that doing what you loved was never selfish. And that I should do what I loved, which happened to be American Studies. I'm so grateful for his guidance in my life, and not surprised that his voice was ringing in my head in the Lincoln exhibit.

And since I've pursued American studies, things have only gotten better. Dr. Sederholm is a brilliant humanities professor who never lets his students forget to ask, what is an American? And with Dr. de Schweinitz this semester, I've gained an incredibly imperative point of view that shouldn't even be considered a "point of view," but should be mainstreamed and curricular--the African American side of American history. Best class I've taken at BYU--hands down.

I don't know why I'm a patriot, but the truth is, I've never felt so patriotic as I did today, standing, weeping, in that museum. And I hope I can narrow in on my patriotism a little more and figure out why American means so much to me. This city definitely holds some of the answers. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I don't know if I'll ever come back to DC, but for now, this is where I belong.

dc's the bomb.

2010-04-26T16:59:00.003-06:00

i've gotten less stoic and more bieber-feverish in the last couple years since i started this blog. hence the title of this post.

I arrived in Baltimore around 9 p.m. Friday night and with the help of some fellow cougars, made it safely to the Super Shuttle which took me to my new home in downtown Washington DC. The first few hours of my residence here I was definitely honeymooning. I loved it.—even though it was dark and all I really saw were the trees lining the highway, a few highway exits to NASA and NSA (employees only), and the back of the Watergate. I got to chat with my shuttle-mates and talked a little with the shuttle driver.

The Barlow Center (where I live) is close to everything. It’s on Pennsylvania Avenue (the White House is on the same street, about 10 blocks away) and has the familiar carpeting and artwork of your regular LDS Church. We BYU students live on the 3^rd and 4^th floors of the church office building/institute. It’s quite roomy and actually quite nice. I like it.

On Saturday, first things first were to go grocery shopping for the essentials. Our nearest grocery store is a Trader Joes, just across the street. However, my roommate Natalie and I, along with Becky, made the trek down to Watergate Safeway. It’s in the Watergate. Weird slash cool, right? DC just passed a law in January that grocery stores must charge .05 cents for every plastic bag you use…as an incentive for people to bring their own reusable bags.

At the checkout I dropped my wallet. The cute woman checking me out was very adamant that I pick it up before I do anything else. I guess it was at that point I realized that crime was kind of a big deal in this city. I’m going to watch out a little more carefully.

The whole day was full of Georgetown—the cutest little shopping district I’ve ever seen. We ate a big, wet pizza for lunch in front of a jazz band (whose drummer was super mellow playing the drums, but we had just seen him in the pizza place 15 minutes before—completely bent out of shape because there was “cheese all over this pizza man!”).

By Saturday evening a lot more interns had arrived. We all went to Georgetown (again) to eat dinner and “bond”—both of which we did. After a savory crepe, Peter, Trevor, Mandy, Seth and I went to the waterfront. It was beautiful.

As Peter kept reminding me, I need a vista. In other words, I still don’t feel oriented and would like to find a high place to get a view of the city. I think air travel (airplanes, helicopters, hovercrafts, etc.) can be highly disorienting. I feel like I sat down in a seat, slept a little, read a little, and then I was in another place. But with no transition, there was not time for adjusting. And now I’m just here.

Today, getting to church was a journey. Once we got there, it seemed fun but overwhelming. After talking to my mom, reading a little, and taking a nap, Kailee, Russell, Peter and I went exploring. My first time to the Lincoln Memorial. It was incredible. I thought I would be disappointed because I always imagined my experience of the Lincoln Memorial to be tourist-less and peaceful. Obviously, this is unrealistic—which I realized when I got to DC. There are so many tourists! Although it wasn’t like I anticipated, it was meaningful and awesome, in the true sense of the word. I loved it.

We continued to the Vietnam memorial, World War II, Washington monument, and then to the capitol building. We found this great little nook just near the capitol that looked like it belonged in Lord of the Rings/Disneyland. Great combination. We rode the metro home, which I really love. I am slightly scared of it—anyone could fall right in there and get smashed to death by that thing. And also, what if it crashes?!—but I really love it.

So far the verdict is positive. I keep using the word overwhelmed, but I don’t think that’s right. I feel confident that I can do everything I want to and more in the next three months. I do feel inadequate. And I feel like I wish I had my friends with me. Shopping in Georgetown would have been so much more fun with Ariel and Lene (not to mention Sephora with Dani). And riding the metro would have been great had I been with someone to tease me about being scared. I would have liked my mom to be around when we passed the beautiful parks between 15^th and 25^th. I wish Audrey and Lynne and Ryan were here to show me around this big ol’ city. Or my sisters to enjoy a Georgetown Cupcake with.

Note to self: next time you go somewhere special, bring someone to share it with. But alas I ventured here on my own, and promise to make new friends to begin to enjoy this city with. Surely with time I will love the people I’m with now and love DC even more.

66th relief society south.

2010-04-26T16:49:00.003-06:00

kate. brittany. audrey. melinda. lucy. emily. (this is seriously how they were standing. all i had to was nag them to hold still while i took a picture with my unreliable camera).

kate + melinda.

audrey + brittany.

i love these girls and will miss them. aren't they beautiful?

the best day of my life.

2010-04-13T02:26:00.003-06:00

i came in 51st out of 99. bottom 50%...not bad.

not really the best day ever, but i seriously had so much fun running the Commit to Virtue 5k on saturday. it was hosted by an anti-pornography group on campus, and it was my first ever race! my friend Lynne and i registered for it and talked through our life theories (mostly gleaned from Gilmore Girls and Runaway Bride).

all i can say is, i felt better than i look like i feel in these photos. i remember when kate ran her first marathon. of course, i also remember watching my mom and dad run marathons as well, but i was too young to have experienced meaning as i did when i watched my sister kate. i know many people feel this way when watching marathoners. it is just so moving to see them run 26.2 miles! it's incredible and kate seemed to do it with such ease. i have never believed that i could run a marathon, but boy do i want to. seriously, they are all just so successful.

i felt a tiny glimpse of what it must feel like to run a marathon--success! and while the first mile or so was difficult and the steady incline up University Parkway was long, i finished. and that is something i want to feel again. i wish i could feel that way every time i run. do i have to pay $12 and wear a special t-shirt to feel happy while running? i feel rejuvenated after the Commit to Virtue 5k.

friday was my last day teaching American Heritage (for a while at least). i was sentimental but also excited. this semester i taught my favorite batch of students i've taught in the 2 years i've been TAing. i was happy to be with them and sentimental--not sad--about it ending. remember when i applied for the job, and then got it? oh man it was a dream come true. and still is. i'm guessing no job is perfect, and this one certainly wasn't the exception, but as i stood there in my very favorite lab of students, i felt that what i've been doing is something good. that there is a purpose for American Heritage and that me being a TA for it also had a purpose. and then, at that moment, I realized I was going to DC.

at the end of my Amer Her career and the moment of realization that I'm going to be interning with USAID in DC, i felt clarity that i haven't felt in a long time. i felt a sense of direction. obviously, i have no idea where i'll end up. i have a few ideas about what i want to happen--but regardless of what the specifics are, i hope i can count on doing something that contributes to society, that alleviates suffering, and gets our society closer to its ideals.

i keep saying to myself, 'yep. this is it. this is right.'

my friend buzzed this quote the other day: I realized that if I understood too clearly what I was doing, where I was going, then I probably wasn't working on anything very interesting...Work that really counts pushes us to the brink of confusion. --Peter Carruthers

anita's makeover.

2010-04-12T16:15:00.001-06:00

after!

before.

so, some people requested a before and after series from anita's mini makeover. here it is! isn't she lovely. we seriously didn't have to do anything but put a little blush and a little mascara on her beautiful, blemish-free face.

candy counter.

2010-04-09T17:05:00.003-06:00

Candy. from amy mcdonald on Vimeo.

this is just one of the projects i've done this semester. i really like audio slideshows. i like audio. and i like photos.

if every day could be like this. .

2010-04-05T23:18:00.003-06:00

dani + me.

brad + rachelle. + dani.

lynne.

lene.

the betrothed. steve + ariel.

audrey.

ted + lene.

we had a picnic last sunday. it was like magic/time standing still.

now, finals.

anecdote of the jar.

2010-04-04T22:00:00.001-06:00

I placed a jar in Tennessee,

And round it was, upon a hill.

It made the slovenly wilderness

Surround that hill.

The wilderness rose up to it,

And sprawled around, no longer wild.

The jar was round upon the ground

And tall and of a port in air.

It took dominion everywhere.

The jar was gray and bare.

It did not give of bird or bush,

Like nothing else in Tennessee.

Wallace Stevens, 1923

eng 293 forever.

cute idea.

2010-04-01T16:33:00.001-06:00

isn't this a cute idea? i don't know if i would take the risk that someone i love wouldn't blow it up. via FPO.

exactly.

2010-04-01T16:24:00.002-06:00

where i want to live. don't you love this light/white/use of eclectic color?

via graphic exchange

provo temple.

2010-03-30T12:49:00.002-06:00

lene and i visited the provo temple grounds last week. it was delightful.

faith.

2010-03-29T09:10:00.001-06:00

"One's life cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share thy joy!' Real faith is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process."
(Neal A. Maxwell, "Lest Ye Be wearied and Faint in Your Minds" Ensign, May 1991, 88,90.)

giant cheese puffs.

2010-03-25T16:12:00.002-06:00

yes. i've been eating these giant cheese puffs. you can't fit a whole one in your mouth. if you tried, you'd choke. and.

i got the internship! it's not set in stone yet, but it was my number one choice and i got it!

also, i'm thinking of going private--there's too much pressure in this blog world.

oh my.

2010-03-24T22:25:00.001-06:00

have you seen eli lately? i miss him. sooo much.

hello spring.

2010-03-23T00:23:00.002-06:00

it was anita's 21st birthday on sunday, so lene and i threw her a small party with egg rolls and rainbow cake. it was delightful. anita asked us to give her a small makeover--it was so fun! i love the friendships i have made here.

in other news, i have an interview with USAID tomorrow. please pray for me!

modern/retro.

2010-03-20T13:18:00.003-06:00

wouldn't it be fun to own this retro camera? i also like the tvs. top 10 modern gadgets with retro style.

charlene is home!

2010-03-13T10:47:00.001-07:00

yay! i haven't seen her yet but i'm so excited to...soon! see more pictures at kate's.

offices.

2010-03-10T15:19:00.002-07:00

my friend kylie buzzed about these offices around the world. i think they're pretty great. photos by jan banning via design crisis.

usa

russia

bolivia

liberia

yemen

come to the hunger banquet.

2010-03-01T23:32:00.003-07:00

BYU Hunger Banquet Commercial 2010 from Dusty Hulet on Vimeo.

the first time I went to the hunger banquet as a freshman shaped so many of my goals. really. it is what made me decide to minor in international development and what got me thinking about going to India. i'm really excited about the hunger banquet this year and hope to see as many as can come there! I will be ushering and serving that night. please come. I promise you won't regret it.

BYU Hunger Banquet

March 4 + 6 (Thurs. + Sat.)

6:00 p.m.

WSC Ballroom, BYU

tickets available at info desk in the Wilkinson Center

hello march.

2010-03-01T09:41:00.003-07:00

V-day tulips. love them.

Berkmans.

goodbye february.

i love february and haven't considered its end until today. i dreamt of going back to Shanti Bhavan last night. i dream of going back often, and every time it's different--never the same as the last and never the same as it truly is. in my dream i recognized the children, but i couldn't remember their names--the same thing that happens to me as i look through my photos and their faces make my heart beat fast but the memory of their names is distant from the front of my mind. i remember seeing Berkmans, though.

march will be a good month, i suppose. although, i'm not feeling optimistic about it today. maybe tomorrow will be different. or even this afternoon. i can't say why my heart is so feeble. i'm so impressionable, so pliable. i can glide through my days as if through air until i topple-- head over heels--and now, my heart is sunk. why can't it just be stronger? why can't i be more independent and less gullible.

today i'm allowing my heart to dream of going back to SB.

hopefully mormon.

2010-02-20T17:29:00.002-07:00

i just found this blog, hopefully mormon, through the coterie blog. it's kind of like a postsecret for mormons on a specific topic...why you're mormon. i love these personal entries.

jordan documents her new baby.

2010-02-19T12:43:00.004-07:00

i really can't keep up with the blogging world anymore. i only read family and friends now. the two blogs that really got me started in the first place are marta and jordan. their's are the only ones i still check regularly.

jordan posted these beautiful pictures of the labor and birth of her new baby roman. I think this is such a beautiful idea. i love these pictures.

president's day weekend.

2010-02-19T01:30:00.004-07:00

for the long weekend, a few friends invited us up to their cabin. I think it was in Wyoming and it was magical. I love being in the snow with snow gear. one of the mornings I got up early and sat on the porch in the total silence of the snow. these are the times I wish my family is with me. I know we appreciate the same things. I knew if my mom were there she'd bring me some hot chocolate or be reading on the sofa. and my dad would take a walk with me in the woods. I think I get my love of the landscape from him. I want my life to be like that all the time. just peace and quiet.

Lene, Dani and me. pointy head.

writing in my journal on the porch.

today.

2010-02-18T17:41:00.002-07:00

I haven't written a news article in almost a year and I'm writing one for next week's paper. I love it. I forgot how much I like it.

guess what.

2010-02-17T20:56:00.002-07:00

steve + ariel are engaged!

this past weekend, steve cunningly got us all to have a pretend girls night with ariel. we told her we planned to go to Salt Lake and enjoy an evening of chocolate and jazz at the Grand America. before we left, she told Lene and me, "I have a feeling this is going to be the best night of my life."

it was so cute and I am so excited for them. I will miss her as a roommate so much. her skinny little bones have kept me company since freshman year and she has become my best friend. steve is a lucky man.

for like ever party 2010 - flags.

2010-02-16T23:09:00.004-07:00

for the valentine's party last week I made these flags out of tissue paper and just sort of strung them up inside our front door. they were really easy to make as you would imagine, and I would like to see an entire ceiling covered with them.

of course, the party was in the evening so it didn't look nearly as lovely as this. but it was such a fun party.

for like ever party 2010.

2010-02-15T19:38:00.005-07:00

roomies

ryan.

heart Sarah + Aly.

sarah

amer her tas.

lucy.

gordy.

moon c8. ted, steve, audrey, josh, geoff, lene.

journalism friends. spencer, natalie (my roommate in D.C.), chase.

danny.

dallin = rocky.

ashley.

ang + sarah

ariel.

for our 3rd annual v-day party this year, Ariel set up a darling photo area where all our fun guests could take pictures. see all of them here. thanks to Ariellie for all the hard work. love that girl. and I love valentine's day.

i only posted ones with me in it--how vain. but i love these people. more than anything.

i love valentine's day.

2010-02-13T22:06:00.002-07:00

aren't these roses beautiful? that pale green makes me feel like a million bucks.

eli.

2010-02-13T22:03:00.002-07:00

i am coming home asap to see this baby. pictures + video by kate.

dating at byu.

2010-02-04T16:54:00.004-07:00

over the weekend, I went to a BYU stake dance (insert a small defense of why I went to a stake dance). as I was about to leave (had my green puffy coat on), a young male asked me to dance. I agreed. after half a song, he got my phone number and proceeded to ask me for a date for Wednesday at 8 p.m. at 5:35 Wednesday evening, I received the following text message:

"Aim-ster, there comes a time in life that some receive the Gift of Dating Prophecy. I prophesy that our date will be like trying to mix koolaid and olive oil. You're olive oil, and I'm koolaid. This is a metaphor. Let's just turn back time to before we set the date. We know you were after my wallet anyway. Let's just be friends on facebook or something. Merry christmas!"

whoever decided arranged marriages were a bad idea never had to date in Provo.

nina's 90th birthday at inchmark.

2010-02-02T00:41:00.002-07:00

I'm in such a party-throwing mood and also love my grandmother--which is why I really enjoyed reading about Nina's 90th birthday on Inchmark.

also because of this party-throwing mood, I am super excited for my 3rd annual Valentine's party.

and I'm thinking about throwing a half-birthday party on Feb. 20. what do you think?

Manju Kumar.

2010-01-29T16:39:00.002-07:00

look how smart my 8th graders are! (well I didn't teach them robotics, but I did read To Kill A Mockingbird with them!) this is Manju Kumar, Shanti Bhavan Children's Program

$1 bowl from d.i.

2010-01-24T23:59:00.002-07:00

this milk glass candy dish I found yesterday at the D.I. for one American dollar has made me so happy. I really love it.

i love my roommates.

2010-01-24T23:47:00.002-07:00

this weekend I took some pictures for the first time in a long time. my little Canon PowerShot A560 is kind of getting old. but what's a girl to do with but a few pennies in her bank account? I think the old point-and-shoot will do until I can pay my bills.

I'm reading this book and love it so far. doesn't Ariel look stunning in those colors?

hope.

2010-01-22T12:46:00.002-07:00

great image from Haiti . Evening Star.

"Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you"
- Elder Enzio f. Busche, BYU, May 1996 (video via Spencer)

I want to go. Should I forfeit Washington this summer and go?

i really wish i had one of these.

2010-01-16T23:33:00.001-07:00

I saw these SpinThread necklaces on Neon Polish. and want one. any ideas out there on how to make one?

sartorialist

2010-01-14T09:03:00.003-07:00

wish I was her. sartorialist.

deer bookends.

2010-01-10T23:18:00.002-07:00

I like these bookends.

happy friday.

2010-01-08T01:37:00.002-07:00

looking through my pictures and saw these 6th graders at SB. I miss those lighting, those walls.

current interests.

2010-01-05T23:13:00.005-07:00

I'm enjoying myself during the first week back to school. and taking advantage of the time I have to do a little posting. these past few weeks I have gained a few interests:

1. I discovered the OraBrush while watching this little video. and come to find out, their headquarters are in Springville, Utah. now, I haven't used mine yet because I just got it in the mail--but I'm really looking forward to it. they are offering them for free--pay for shipping and handling. if you are in the Utah Valley area, I would opt to pick it up from their offices. I paid $7.99 for my s+h and when I looked on my package it only cost them $1.98.

2. Dave Farmar yoga podcasts. I learned about Dave Farmar while listening to free 20-minute yoga downloads from iTunes. thanks to Melissa and Dani I've been running and doing a little yoga afterward.

3. Dave Salmoni and Into the Pride. I have been coming home at 5 to watch this show on Animal Planet. I love it so much. this decent-looking man is just living with a pride of lions in Africa and it looks like so much fun. the landscape is beautiful and I just love those lions. plus, Animal Planet doesn't skimp on drama. I also watched Wild Recon tonight, but it wasn't nearly as good as Into the Pride. besides, I like lions a lot more since I met Christian.

book covers.

2010-01-05T12:48:00.002-07:00

my friend Megan got me this beautiful copy of "Sense + Sensibility" from Anthropologie for Christmas. and now I want all of them.

2010. really?

2009-12-28T10:57:00.004-07:00

where they create

still to do

2. bake something from scratch (perhaps a pie?)

3. handwrite Christmas letters to people I love but haven't really talked to in a long long while.

4. mail a package to Shanti Bhavan

5. write 1 personal history/story

6. write a feature on Shanti Bhavan

I am so excited for 2010. true, I have grown especially fond of 2009 recently. but 2010 is also a great time to be alive, and I'm thrilled about being in Provo, gearing up for D.C., making new friendships.

Melissa and I started walk/jogging in the afternoons. yesterday we found a path just beyond civilization and I felt like I could run on it forever. I really don't like running at all. at all. but on the dirt in the desert, looking out over the southern Utah horizon, I felt such resolution. like I could do this every day for the rest of my life.

this past semester was difficult for me--if I can even say that. my life is so blessed and so rich--I hate that I take it for granted so easily. but after Thanksgiving and the snow came to Provo, my paradigm shifted with no effort of my own. I normally don't like the snow. but this year I love it. I've never found a better companion in such hard times. it felt like rejuvenation and gave me the same resolution I felt yesterday on that dirt path.

I'm starting the new decade with high spirits. though I know myself too well to believe it will last, I feel resolved and resolute to believe next year will be better than the last. and the future has more in store for me than the past.

2009-12-16T22:48:00.003-07:00

photo at Shanti Bhavan by Amiran White

my heart hurts. I want to go back to Shanti Bhavan every day. I don't know why it has just hit me this week. during finals.

I am "planning" on going to Washington D.C. in the summer. but right now I just can't fathom not going back to India. it's making me ill.

my heart hurts because I was born here. and when I'm here I wish I was there. and I know when I'm there, I will desperately miss everyone sitting with me now as I type.