I've been pensive during nights lately. thinking about the day to follow.  when I have big days on the morrow, I often plan everything out the night before, as I'm sure most of  you do.  I always always wish I could just skip sleeping and instantaneously arrive at the following morning.  this is because I am excited to do what I have planned for myself, and also because I have lived with myself long enough to be slightly scared that I won't do whatever it is I planned tonight tomorrow when I wake up.  as this barren blog proves, I have not had anything on my schedule so exciting that it results in sleep lost and wishes for morning.  

no, I have been spending my late nights musing on not the following day, but on all the days to come.  thinking about me.  I have these lists in my mind: things I have done, things I am doing,  things I need to do, things I want to do. the former two haven't given me much to work with.  and the latter two are becoming fuzzy as I entertain the thoughts and question, do I know myself at all?  what I mean by this--there was a time not long ago when I was certain I was going to get married very young.  I don't even have a remote preference on this matter, let alone have any form of certainty upon what the future holds.  but I was certain.   there was also a time when I was certain I was going to do things to change the world, help people.  I wonder, though, if I must trade in such sophomoric ideals for levelheaded career outlooks.  or just sheer laziness and lost time. the question that overcasts my sky of thoughts tonight is not will I reach my potential, but remains, what is my potential? 

tonight, I am certain that I have taken everything St. George has to offer me.  I miss those blue mountains.  when I am near those blue and vegetated mountains, I'm arrogantly proud of the red and rocky ones which currently adorn my view.  but I don't recall missing them as I do those blue, snow-capped.  I love blue.   my summer in St. George has been so meaningless to me.  how can it be?  what I am now hoping to be my last summer at home was supposed to be memorable.  but I have associated St. George exclusively with home. with childhood. with my mom.  perhaps it is so with childhood.  but since I have decided to bloom where I'm planted, St. George cannot be the only place I call home.  and I may not always have St. George, but I will always have my mom. 

and as I lounge through my summer days, in between a term and a semester, I hope I find a way to crawl inside of me again.  to be myself and get something worth doing done. I'm having a hard time materializing the something that's worth doing. regardless, it's time I gave something the old college try.  because summer has found me a foreigner to hard work and happy plans.   I long for the day when me and myself say sorry and make up, then reunite like old friends always do.  

"be not simply good; be good for something."

- Henry David Thoreau 

samantha k.

my roommate from spring term, Sam, is engaged! I am so incredibly happy for her, because she looks so darn happy. she is the best roommate I've ever had and I love her to death. she and Jeremiah will be Mr. + Mrs. very soon.

sneak peek at design*sponge.

speaking of Something's Hiding in Here, this sneak peek has me in tears.  if only. 

writing times.

I've been thinking about regrets lately. about living with no regrets. does it mean that you live however you want to, but agree with yourself that you won't wish you'd never done it. or does no regrets mean you live in such a way that you would not regret your actions. I have lived with no regrets in the latter sense. but recently I have some regrets. and I wonder, am I to live with no regrets in the former? it seems like pretending to me. I will not let my regrets impede me from what I want to do in the future. I refuse to let my regrets become my baggage.

in 3rd grade, everyone who could do their times-tables in under 3 minutes (or was it 2?) by a certain date was invited to a pool party at Mrs. Cowley's house. I was the best times-table champion there was, and made it to the pool party. but we had to wear lifejackets. at 8 and 9 years old. I was so annoyed. I also remember confusion with who was driving me there, and something happening to my Aunt E. on the same day. after the party we were asked to write up how we enjoyed the party. well of course, I showed my true colors. and of course again, Mrs. Cowley read them all out loud. I was merciless in my account of the day and she was crushed. I remember going outside for recess and my friends wondering who wrote that. I was grateful they didn't know it was mine. I regret writing that. and maybe my future therapist can work it out with me. but there isn't much that I've written that I regret writing. I love writing.

my sister Melissa plays the piano devastatingly well. and when she plays, sometimes my heart breaks and my fingers ache to be able to do the same thing. but I simply can't. I am not free because I never paid the price of practicing the piano. indeed, a regret. but oh how I want to just sit down and have the freedom to play whatever I want. I think a lot of people feel this way about musical instruments. I have pondered deeply at my choice to not pursue the violin professionally, and we all wonder at times, is it enough to simply spectate? for now, I have come to terms with the reality that I cannot play the piano with the liberty I once wished to. and I listen with my whole heart, because that is all I can do.

I have made up my mind that there are some things that I cannot simply spectate. I want to write, because of what I have read. just as I want to play, because of what I have heard. because what Melissa plinks out on the piano has the capacity to capture my every emotion, I wish I could express the way she does. and the more I read, the more I must express. and there is often that overlap. what I want to say has already been said. but what I hope for is to be that for someone else. play the piano for people who can't. express my feelings, and capture others' emotions in a way they had never considered. when you almost kick yourself for not thinking of it on your own. (like when they invented the iPod!) I have experienced that, and want to create the experience for the rest of my life.

while summer is upon us, I am sorry that I blog seldom. not much sparks thoughts worth sharing, and when they do, I have found an alternate outlet. this blog has been a motivation for me to write; a kind of writing that I love and want to do for the rest of my life. it is more interesting, productive, worthy, to write for a reader. but lately, I have chosen to make my thoughts more private than public. writing in a journal has suddenly become rewarding for me. my past diaries are not much to read--only instances and happenings. but to fill them with my thoughts has now consumed me. I'm sorry that their public version is lacking.

old school.

i really like these wool felt flags, 'inspired by grade school report card marks: very good, pass, fail, incomplete.' they're just fun.  maybe i'd like some in white.  saw at something's hiding in here. 

all cleaned up.

consuming me for the past 2 or 3 weeks has been my bedroom. when i returned home my closet was still full of baby toys and clothes, important memorabilia. but time to de-clutter. it was debate-worthy whether i should keep the authenticity of the bedroom of my childhood and adolescence. the paraphernalia on these walls has been gathering since sister katie moved out of this room 11 years ago.

before. 

these walls look so jumbled.  and they are. just a hodgepodge of high school/girls camp/efy/middle school/some college/childhood/christmas/vacation junk.   but not junk at all to me.  I hoard everything and I'm proud of it.  I would never throw any of this stuff away.  I did make the executive decision that their life needed to be suspended for a while, spending time in the basement.  but I vow my kids will never see the end of this stuff.  it's my legacy. 

I also hoard photos and people. I love them. but they had to go. 

after.

my mother has some of these prayer flags. they are stunningly beautiful and it ended up being one of those things you just have in your head, and then...create. I was extremely pleased with how they turned out, only adding to the whiteness.

trying to remember where I first came up with the crazy idea to go all white, I came across this lovely photo and remembered. lucky me, Alyson was my partner for a photo swap about 4 months ago. when I received the photo in the mail, I was still in the mindset of home, and eagerly designed my crispy and clean space.

I was originally looking forward to a frame/photo montage with photos of my grandparents in their youth. there are so many beautiful ones of each of them. but I came across this and had to go with it. I still want to hang the photos, I'm just not sure how. I was also originally planning to put them on the 4th wall. right in the center where nothing is. but I just can't put anything on my blank wall. I love its whiteness. the more there is on the walls, the less white it becomes.

idols concert.

the 5-day weekend in Salt Lake was fun and graciously hosted, ending with the big event, of course. the concert was so so fun. here's a not-so-brief recap. 

the top 8 each sang 3 songs, and the 2 idols each sang 4.  the top 6 sang together just before intermission and then the top ten sang one final finale. 

I was actually somewhat surprised.  they were so so good!  I don't want to say the fist 4 were bad, but I was able to sit down.  (the crowd went wild for Michael Johns).  they were all spectacular singers, hands down.  if I ever doubted that American Idol is taped live, this proved me wrong.   they were all great performers and great vocalists. the crowd was shockingly fond of Carly. I loved her too.  

I forgot how much I adore Brooke White.  she is so talented musically.  I loved the singers who played instruments.  they didn't get to move around as much, but their music was more authentic.  Brooke was great and I thought she had the best song selections.  she was one of the crowd's favorites.  she mentioned a thank you for the support she received from Utah.  as well as slipping in "this is the place!" and "the land of archuleta!" i loved her performance. 

I am so glad I was faithful to Jason Castro until the end.  he was so good.  he had good song choices as well and was just himself.  loved hearing him. 

Syesha Mercado was just...Syesha. what a voice. 

uh-oh.  Dr. Cook was Dr. Evile as expected.  but not really. he sang some good songs and...

we definitely rocked out to his finale. 

thanks to the sweet counsel of baby Archie, the crowd was rather kind to David Cook.  I think a lot of people really did like him. who knew? as much as we tried to, however, Megan and I really couldn't continue to pretend that he is a totally and utterly hateable person. we shamefully admitted that we kind of liked him. 

but really. who can compete with him?  I've been to a fair share of concerts, but none ever louder than when they raised David Archuleta out of the floor playing his little piano.  I never screamed louder or more in my life.  I love him.  he cried of course.  so did I. 

two fans. couldn't be more devoted. even if we did get kicked out before we got to meet little David. 

one year older.

and wiser too.

hopefully. those first posts are slightly dreadful. but still, nothing to be ashamed of.

july 11: happy first birthday to the old college try. wish i was big and bold enough to do a grand giveaway or deliver a cupcake to each of your doorsteps. but i've always been a late bloomer. and i'm still kickin. thanks for being here.

been working on big projects, and can't wait to get started on even bigger ones. both of which i intend to share. when i get back of course. am off for the weekend to see little archie in his big hometown arrival.

a neighbor and friend andrea had a baby girl this morning. so happy for her. we were out shopping and picked up a little vintage dress at urban, and these darling hangers. (a unique gift for new moms)

happy anniversary.

July 7, 2008 marks the 3 year anniversary of this little event. I wrote it up for my application to NYU about 2 years ago. reading this again, i am reminded of the time and space limits which restricted the story, cheating it of its true hysteria. perhaps it's time for revisions. though i'm certain i could not capture the happenings as accurately as it replays in my memory. thought I would share.

For a 15 year old girl, a friend with a drivers’ license is all-important. Megan was, of course, more than just a drivers’ license—but it did grant us a summer of freedom. We had just taken our first road trip to a neighboring town about 45 miles away. We pulled into town with a newly-burned country mix in the stereo. My mom asked for a favor of dropping a gift off at a friend’s house and we found the address with ease. As we pulled up, Megan peered up the nearly vertical driveway. It curved around with a case of cement stairs lining it. Megan and I looked at each other and instantly grinned. “Oh yeah,” Megan said, not sarcastically, “I can’t wait to go up this thing!” We drove up, and I returned to the car after dropping the item off. Megan switched into reverse and backed down. Suddenly without warning, we hit the stairs. Megan instinctively put the car in drive and attempted to drive forward, realizing that she hadn’t turned her steering wheel soon enough. As she accelerated the gas pedal, we remained stationary and knowingly shrugged our shoulders in unison. We had begun laughing when we first hit the stairs and continued to laugh---as we always did---in complete silence. Megan looked at me quizzically as to what her next move should be. “Just keep going! Who cares?” I said---sustained in giggling. She took my advice and we gradually made our way down the stairs, backwards, in a car. We clunked down each stair, laughing a stomach-clenching, violently-shaking, unrelenting laughter that requires you to draw deep breaths of hysterical heaving that Megan and I were intimately familiar with. We soon discovered that the car could be moved neither backward nor forward. Our wheels spun in futility. The passenger door was smashed up against a bush and could not be opened, the side-mirror nowhere in sight. I exited the driver side door after Megan. We puzzled at our circumstances. Through our sheer entertainment, we had failed to notice the damage continuously done with each step. We were high-centered on a staircase. We didn’t dare tell the residents. Megan called her dad, who arrived, guffawed, and regretted forgetting the video camera. He called her uncle, a mechanic. “You are in quite a pickle, Megan,” he chortled.

This event is typical of the circumstances Megan and I repeatedly find ourselves in. We daily find occasion to admit, “Life is interesting.” This phrase epitomizes Megan. Whatever comes her way, she may reply with a “Just my luck,” but always counters with “Life is interesting.” The hardest years of my life were pacified by a friend who is miraculously always on the same brainwave as me. Her positive and serene attitude balances my chaotically tense personality. The ‘high-centered on a staircase’ instance, so often referred to on double dates and first days of school, reminds me of a soul-mate friendship that seems unexplainably compatible.

happy independence day.

aside from making these cupcakes, i have little plans for the 4th.  i'm remembering last year, i did very little, just as i always do.  i have almost ambiguous feelings about the 4th of july.  i've had some bad experiences on the holiday and i always want it to be so good. and it never really is.  but i love america.  so i guess that's all that matters.

but nothing means summer more to me than reading to kill a mockingbird, by harper lee.  megan and i read it nearly every summer since 9th grade.  still using the water-damaged, highlighted and written-in, $5 from the school bookstore that we used in mr. goodrich's freshman english class.  though i haven't thought about it too much, i always answer with this book when asked what my favorite book is.  i am also surprised how many people haven't read it! i am the first child in my family to read it. jon and kate have read it since but. it's a classic. seriously. you have to read it. have to. and i'm not the only one who thinks so. 

when i was about 12, before i read the book, my dad got an inkling to watch the movie on the 4th of july.  and i think we'll do that this year. maybe even invite people.  

london.

when i moved home to st. george, my bedroom needed serious de-junking and sorting.  i am, have always been, and always will be a keeper.  a hoarder of anything that sparks a memory.  i came across so many good things that only confirms my need to continue to save small trinkets, notes, tickets, programs, handouts, etc.  in my endeavors to sort, i continuously found the most darling and dearest notes from this girl. they were all from high school; saying 'good luck!' for so many various auditions and tryouts and such. she and i are the kind of friends who don't see much of each other, but somehow keep in touch always. her once college-freshman-blog has suddenly transformed into a daring adventure to all who read it.  she has gone to london for a summer study abroad and any of you can take part.  i imagine if you've ever been to england and are missing it, karly will take you wherever you want to go.   as i found her thoughtful notes, i was wishing i had a little big ben, or a stuffed airplane where i could say, bon voyage! good luck in london dear. 

new journal.

i am so pleased with myself. i finished a journal a few days ago, and buying a new one is so exciting and nearly ceremonial.   i found this one at grun. both are delightful. 

open book: lessons learned

dear reader:
i've been holding out on you.

you know when you have something you need to tell someone, but you don't know exactly how? or just waiting for the right time. and then you end up saying something casual and indifferent like, 'did i ever tell you?' or 'oh i've been meaning to tell you...' and you and your friend are absolutely certain you never told him or her. nor did you ever mean to until this very moment. but because your friend knows you (so well that he or she not only knew you were holding something back, but also that it is really hard for you to say what you're about to say) he or she just says something unassuming like, 'i don't think you told me...that is so exciting!' or a phrase with a similar effect. leaving you feeling so relieved. so glad you told them.

it's not a secret or anything. i'm not hiding it. and i'm not really 'waiting until you're primed' either. it's just something that is hard for me to tell you. something i want to tell you.

my last two weeks in provo (june 9 - june 20) i was in a small, tiny, itty-bitty, little relationship. if you can even call it that. i cringe at the tainted and loaded word. i really do. but that's what i would call it, and perhaps you all can help me come up with something better. but. i met him a while ago and had a small school girl crush. one crush that happened to 'work out' as it were.

leaving out the mushy then gory details--if i've been speaking of new experiences lately, this was it. so much to learn. so so much. so. in 2 short weeks. things i've learned:

i am an individual.

this was my first go at-- what we are for the time being calling-- a relationship. for a number of reasons but mainly because i am an individual. i am me and always have been. strong and independent of others--willing to be on my own. to be completely frank, i have always looked down on people (girls) who were in relationships. mostly ones that seem to simply jump from one to the next, but still. i had little admiration for people (girls) who couldn't spare a day without a boyfriend. out of all the things that says about me, the only good thing is that i have always valued individuality above all else. and at the drop of a hat when mr.anyone comes along, i succumb. submit. it's just so...opposite from who i've been in the past. something i can't really wrap my head around.

i've been so cautious in the past. i have never done much without thinking a lot beforehand. maybe it's the spring air in provo or the lifelessness of my at-the-time life, but the whole thing was thoughtless. swept. propelled. adjectives that replaced my usual cautious. thoughtful. i don't know if i have been found without defense--caught off guard. or if my defenses were too weak. i let my own guard down under the circumstances. all in all i wasn't vigilant as to watching the course i was to take for the next 2 weeks.

having said what i did about people (girls) who have been in relationships, let me say now that i realized it was not easy. in a lot of ways it's harder than being single. although i don't think it's easier than being alone. but it was harder than i thought it would be. harder than i expected. yes. partly because i am an individual. how is one to maintain who they are and become two? most of this stuff i'm still sorting out in my mind.  something else i have decided--that may help someone else in the future: i hope to never again have a relationship with a deadline on it.  too little is at stake.  

about 6 months ago i decided i was going to wear eyeliner. i'd worn versions of it before but, i wanted just a little something to change my daily makeup routine. i went to the m.a.c. counter and told the girl what i wanted. just a little something--nothing too drastic. she tried doing an eyeshadow liner, just eyeshadow painted on with a liner brush. i didn't like it--not enough. then she tried doing some fluid line. i liked that, but i already had it and was looking for something different. then she brought a full-blown, black, old fashioned pencil. she applied it and i loved it. so i bought it, sharpener and all. the funny thing is, i went in there to just look around. to try something small out. and even though i had no idea what it was, i walked out of nordstrom with exactly what i wanted.

for your curiosity, he and i have since parted and will not meet again for a long time, if ever. but after 2 short weeks with him, and 2 weeks without him, the individual i am now is so different than i imagined being. and i am learning.

nothing too drastic. as time propels me forward and i start to make changes--changes in my own individuality, adaptations that must be made for evolvement--i hope someone is looking out for me. someone who knows exactly what i want, even though i haven't figured it out yet.

oh. and. thanks for listening.

wedding.

my time at home in st. george has been busy, with the wedding and all. the 2-day event for the marrying of jonathan and jennifer was beautiful. jon seemed happier than ever.
 

happy couple. 

me + emily. bobsy twins. 

me and jon. 

megan and blake.  kind enough to bring me a lovely salad and 4 breadsticks. and a stolen fork.  

temple bride and groom. early morning temple facing east. i love sunrises. 

i went to high school with jenn. she is sweet as sugar and i love her. sisters. 

funnily enough, kate + parker are celebrating their 6 months of marriage on jon + jenn's wedding date. happy 6. 

luncheon was so fun. i love close groups. favors made by my creative mother. 

grandpa soniat and mom.  father and daughter. 

megan.  having a friend of my own always makes it feel like a true celebration. 

melissa's superb speech slash toast.  here here. 

off to boston for the honeymoon.  

mcdonald girlies. 

the more i live the more i am grateful for friends and family. missed you aunt jill.