there's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.
-margaret elizabeth sangster

i'm dying inside. not to be home again. charlene, chelsi, and i made the voyage friday afternoon. the weekend passed by as it were a dream, and now i find myself here on sunday evening, back in my adventure. back in college. back in the choice i made, that cannot be taken back. not that i regret it. it is just...not as special. it's not as special as what i found this weekend when i returned to the friends, who so lovingly take me in. who don't praise me or put me down. i am just a part. and no matter how minor or major role i play, it is where i belong. with them. it means the world to me. to fit. meg, you told me so.

what's funny is, i used to believe i didn't belong. that what i needed was to come 'up here.' more than the provincial life, right? welcome to p-town, u.s.a. how small-minded i was. all i could ever want at the ripe age of 18 was right in front of me. was sitting in a living room or a bowling alley, or in a baseball field only a 15 minute drive away.

i've been gone, and the group has changed. some are gone like me. and some have joined. they, the originals that is, all had this glow about them. i couldn't stop looking at their faces. what is that? had they been sharing the same moisturizer or something silly like that? they looked so much the same, and so incredibly different. i was paralyzed most the weekend. we've all matured a lot. and that has changed us. but the chemistry is the same. they/we are still doing the same thing we did every single night. nothing. talking about things that would never happen. talking about things that did happen, but will never happen again. talking about things that happened even though we thought they never would. one thing i know, (you only know one thing?) i never thought that what we ha(ve)/(d) would go away. that's the paradox. it's all going away. they are all going away. the moment i realize what i have, it is gone.

i know it all sounds so sad and regretful, and in a way it is. but i could never have what i have now, if i had known what i had then. they were all smart enough to already know. one and a half semesters, 2 stranger roommates, dozens of hamburger-helper-helped meals, and just about one year later, i know. i know now.

wouldn't miss it for the world, chad. you are so funny. and so good. talk was amazing.
i always thought you were the one waiting for a star to fall. now it's meg + me.



megan. gets more beautiful every time i see her.
the originals. longest-standing. so proud + humbled to be part.
chad, megan, and i are the only ones who have ever taken a picture before.
ren: spain. rob: brazil. trevor: chile. chad: canada. tj: waiting for august. matt: spain.
missing - sean: california. jordan: canada.


Abby said...

Amy! These are soo my exact feelings when I left for provo. Crazy isnt it? There is something about going home and seeing old friends that you've been friends with forever.

megan said...

totally bawling. i'm so glad you came down. i hate growing up. i love you forever.

Ariel said...

Those people you love so tremendously are truly lucky, my dear.

Lundin Family said...

Amy, I am writing this with tears in my eyes and with a kitchen full of boys making pancakes at ll:00pm Sunday night.:) Your post was beautiful!!!! What profound words! It was so good to see you this week-end. What a beautiful girl you are! I'm so glad Matt belongs to this wonderful group of friends....and you are right, it will never be the same again. I also can see that you all have matured and grown already....imagine what will happen in two years??? Thanks again for the touching post...love you ame.....

Phoebe said...

Amy dear....As if monday morning itself doesnt' make me want to cry...Such heartfelt sentiments! I have never seen you and megan both at such a tender stage...loved having you home over the weekend!your compliments on my sandwich, your laughter, your beautiful face, just feels good having you here! Now back to embrace life in P-town! Enjoy it!! love you Ame!

Anonymous said...

huh very interesting post... verrry interesting haha - some kid in nc

Matt M said...

wow. Amy that was amazing. I am nearly in tears.. Isn't amazing how quickly life flies by. It seems like just yesterday Matt and I were playing for the Padres in little league!