healthy menu.

about a month ago, Melissa made me a menu to try and be a little healthier. since the monastic experience, I've been...not so healthy. Melissa...making me a menu. hopefully India will bring assistance for me to regain my monastic perspective.

monastic experience: day 13

day 13:
today is my last day as a monk. surprisingly, the last few days have been the hardest out of my 2-week monastic experience. perhaps it’s the weekend; or just a weak end. (woah. that was really cheesy). really, I’m not sure why I weakened on the last leg. like tonight, my roommate Lene made a most delicious pasta. and I walked by it probably…40 times. and after 4 – 5 hours of it just sitting there, I grabbed a noodle. eek. then I couldn’t stop myself of course. I did not have any rainbow cake, however.

weekend:
truth telling: I think I want to practice this one more. the phrase “why aren’t you just going for it?” comes to mind. in other words, I didn’t tell the whole truth. not because I’m a liar, but because I’m a coward.
spending: dinner with Mere, $15.
phone: necessary talking.
tv: LOST catching up. 30 minutes of Pearl Harbor.
internet: not bad at all. no more than 1 hour a day.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what I will eat in about 24 hours time. tomorrow (Monday at 6:30 p.m.) night is the end. I don’t have plans (or means) to binge—but I want to. I haven’t stopped seeing the Cheetos, BYU Catering mint brownies, pizza, pancakes, root beers, etc. nor have I grown comfortably accustomed to Krispbread and avocados. I love doing yoga and meditating—it makes me feel like a hundred bucks. and I am going to try to keep doing it regularly…but once a day may be unrealistic.

the self-control I have gained from this experience has astounded me and surpassed my own self-expectations. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a grade scrounger before a junk-food junkie. even though I was doing it as a class assignment, it felt good to pass up that cookie/brownie/rainbow cake/muffin/ice cream. obviously, from this point on I am looking forward to a lifetime of cookies. but I hope that I can practice self-control in the future as well. most the time during my monastic experience, I didn’t think twice about that doughnut. and I hope that’s something I can implement in the future.

this past Friday (day 11), was a downer of days. I had a hellish week that included a total sum of probably…8 hours of sleep. (papers, tests, meetings, studying, socializing, house-hunting, etc.) by Friday I was exhausted, but still had to take a 3-hour humanities test. walking in the snow defiantly in my sandals, I felt defeated because I couldn’t indulge myself. it felt really crappy to have to eat one more banana, one more apple, drink one more giant bottle of water. I know that sounds bad—I am verbally weeping about having to eat a totally nourishing, relatively inexpensive, just-fine-tasting meal. but I needed some indulgence. I guess that’s why I came home after my test, asked Meredith to take me for coconut curry at Bombay House, and came home and watched LOST.

what I discovered in my feelings of defeat was strange—and I’m not sure I totally understand my feelings now. the whole point of being a monk is to deny yourself, be rid of your pleasures, your desires, and withdraw from the world to be closer to God. I suppose was felt ironic to me was that after 10 days of “denying” myself, I felt weaker, not stronger. I felt really sorry for myself, and less alive than ever. when isn’t this great change in me supposed to make me feel alive? Friday was definitely my lowest day of the 2 weeks. but as I finalized my studies to head in to the testing center, I read my favorite scripture story and prayed. not surprisingly, I was flooded with feelings. I felt really close to God at that point, my lowest point.

seldom am I cold enough that I choose to walk home through the Widstoe building. but I'm glad I did on Friday. outside the Life Sciences office was this quote:

change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life
--Herbert Otto

monastic experience: day 8

day 8
I think I’m getting the hang of this whole diet thing. I really would have liked some chocolate eggs from the candy counter, but there’s plenty of time between next Monday and Easter for that.

I did my day of silence today, too. It went really well until around 7:00 p.m. I had to talk to the landlord, and I had to talk about American Idol, and everything else in between. for the most part, I was better at remembering than I was the first time. plus, I didn’t have to do much today—so it was a bit easier. one problem is seeing people you know, but you don’t know well enough that they already know you are on a monastic experience—taking a vow of silence. it’s hard to be silent and not be rude.

I’ve been thinking about what my fellow monk pretenders said about wanting to die rather than being a monk. I know I already said I think it’s silly. I feel really good about it. but is it just an experience? will I eat continue to eat healthier when I am no longer a monk? will I say less and be aware of what I do say? will I limit my phone and internet use? in 6 more days, will I meditate, stretch, and worship every day for an hour? or will I lose my grounded openness? most of me thinks I will rush to Krispy Kreme or the Pizza Factory on day 14. in fact, I plan on it. and it will be nice to have the extra hour from yoga back in my daily schedule. but what scares me is that I am a person who would undergo a “monastic experience” for 2 weeks and remain unchanged from it. yes, 2 weeks is a short time in my life. but am I prepared to be the person who only gains a few good journal entries and blog posts from this religious experience? I hope not. I hope something besides my word document changes.

today:
truth telling: well, a vow of silence prevents you from saying anything—whether it be true or false. but I did nod yes when someone asked me if I’ve voted for BYUSA yet. why can’t they just leave me alone?
spending: $0
phone: had a few phone interviews for the paper, plus had to talk to a few landlords (anyone know of 3 spots in a house in South Provo?), and a friend. texting pretty unrestricted.
tv: American Idol – 1 hour
internet: I left my computer home again. total maybe 30 minutes.

monastic experience: day 7

day 7
today was a good monk day. I haven’t really broken my diet (except for that whole salad dressing mishap—but really, out of all the things I could have had—pizza, ice cream, cookies, doughnut, just to name a few—salad dressing isn’t exactly the worst. all of my other activites are kind of come and go. I looooove doing yoga and meditation—but it is extremely hard to find the time. of course, there is time. I’m just not finding it. I want to be a good monk, but I think I’m just a bad one. I switched my modified silence day to Tuesday, tomorrow. I think I will be better at it this time. we had class yesterday and everyone was pretty aggravated about their monk-life. I was so surprised. the person next to me said, “I am so sick of being a monk I could key myself to death.” really? key yourself to death? woah. I am quite enjoying my experience. I feel this sense of grounded openness—and I like it. even though I don’t worship Hindu gods, I feel one step closer to accomplishing a oneness with myself I think I have always sort of…longed for.

today:
truth telling: again, this one is hard. in new and unfamiliar situations, I hold back. revealing my entire soul in the first act would spoil the show. so no, I did not tell the whole truth. but the parts of truth were true.
spending: $0.39 – string cheese. $0.50 – orange. $0.89 at the Twilight Zone
phone: talked to Melissa, Phoebe, Megan, Mom, everyone.
tv: none
internet: I left my computer home today. it felt good

monastic experience: day 4

day 4
today didn’t feel very monastic. it just felt—very routine. maybe I’m getting used to it. I didn’t follow 100% today. 2 things happened: my friend McKay was concerned I wasn’t getting enough protein, so he went and got me some trail mix from the vending machines. second thing, I went on a date. and had to get a salad. and got the dressing on the side. thinking, I don’t know what. it’s not like I could have some of the dressing. I could either have all of it or none of it. but I just had some of it. I think the words I used were “I don’t think I am supposed to have this, but I just want to.” also, of course the date plans to get milkshakes were changed. how inconvenient, to be a monk.

today:
truth telling: I did not tell the whole truth. should someone get rid of the rules of the dating game, I might have told the whole truth, all the time. but, my dating experience exists after the monastic experience. therefore, I did not tell the whole truth. but what I did say, I told the truth.
spending: $0
phone: not bad at all. talked to my mom.
tv: none
internet: definitely reached my hour limit.

monastic experience: day 3

day 3
my day unsilenced was good. I was more mindful of what I was saying (even though I talked a lot today0). though not purposely (I hate when I do this on purpose), I was talking quieter. I didn’t have very much time today. I woke up too late to do an hour of meditation, or 5 minutes of meditation. no time to eat breakfast or grab an apple. so after work I grabbed an apple out of the vending machines. it was rotten. later, I got another apple and it was delicious.

my day was so so busy. and I just wished I had time to meditate, time to stretch, time to think and breathe. this is a wish I have on days when I am not being a monk, when I am just me. but now, my wish is heightened. since I have to meditate, it’s almost more stressful. meditation should not be stressful. but in a college setting, as opposed to a monastery on top of a mountain, it is.

after my long day of teaching, grading, article-writing, test-taking day, I changed from my pencil skirt into some yoga pants. yoga pants—in preparation for yoga. just like on Monday, I told myself it is silly to do such activities indoors on such lovely days. (especially since I’ve been inside all day, and I got out of my exams before the sun went down). but I was insecure about doing it outside. I did it anyway. taking my shoes off on my little plot of ground, more people walked by this time. I just closed my eyes (if I can’t see them they can’t see me).

I enjoy defying my own inhibitions—doing what I myself consider to be socially unacceptable. why do I feel cool for going for a jog in public, but not doing yoga? I don’t know, but I did it anyway. walking home from my meditation, I saw a jovial young man sliding down all the railings on a grand staircase. he wasn’t trying to impress anyone—he wasn’t with any friends. the people around him weren’t joining in, and they weren’t ridiculing, but it wasn’t totally acceptable. it wasn’t like he was walking down the stairs. he was sliding down the railing. there’s nothing wrong with doing yoga in public, or sliding down the banister.

after yoga, I felt like a million bucks. does anyone know any new-age slash relaxation artists or music I might like? not like…a million bucks, bursting. but a million bucks, beaming. silent. I found, and am still finding that my meditation in combination with my previous day of silence, I am more quiet. I am more grounded, and yet more open. and in the cold sunset-y evening, I am warm inside.

today:
truth telling: I am having a hard time remembering this one. it’s not something I usually think—“oh I should probably be telling for the truth. for my monk experience of course.”
spending: $.50 cents on a vending machine apple, $1.50 on vending machine smartwater, $1.29 on banana, apple, and string cheese from the t-zone. grand total = $2.29
phone: again, not too much texting, but a few phone calls.
tv: last few minutes of American Idol, 30 Rock = 45 minutes.
internet: not really keeping track. a few minutes here, a few minutes there. probably more than 1 hour.

monastic experience: day 2

day 2
modified silence today.

observe modified silence, i.e. speak only when necessary. when necessary, be aware that you are speaking.

hour 1: good. just at home, getting ready. not too hard.
hour 2: in my dance class, totally blew it! I kept forgetting. dang it.
hour 4: better. I went to my office hour, and no students came in until the last 10 minutes.
later: I told my friends in the newsroom about it beforehand, and they were cooperative. I did have 2 meetings with some professors, so…when it was necessary, of course I spoke. working on some news articles, I had to speak. at TA meeting, I had to speak.
then: I’m at home and have more to say now, but no obligation to say it. that’s really hard for me.
now: had a bishopric interview—can’t really stay silent for that. plus, roommates and I are looking for houses, and I did all the talking.
vow: it’s 10:45 p.m. now. I don’t need to talk for the rest of the evening.
tomorrow: freedom.

things I noticed while silent:
- a smile meant something different to me today.
- I initiate most of my conversations. most of the people I talk to regularly, didn’t talk to me today.
- there were times when I had something really really good to say. other times, I would have said something (had I not taken a vow of silence) but once I thought about it, it was better that I didn’t say it.
- everything I do involves talking. being a reporter is all about talking. being a TA, you can’t do without talking.
- when I did talk, I was very conscious of what I was saying. that’s a good feeling.

oatmeal and silk for breakfast. cousous for dinner. mmm. as far as diet goes, I didn’t feel as strong as I did yesterday. I didn’t falter, but I craved starburst, sugar cookies, pizza, etc. maybe I needed something to make up for my lack of words. yesterday, I denied myself food. but today, I denied myself food and words. I needed some indulgence. even though this is nowhere near what Hindu or Jain monks do, I feel like it’s taking a lot of concentration for me. a lot of self-denial. in my regular, non-monk life, I don’t deny myself anything. for the most part, I say what I want to say (more often than not, that gets me in trouble), I do what I want to do, I eat what I want to eat. I don’t live a wild, uninhibited life, but the restrictions I do live with (i.e. my church standards), I have lived with my entire life, and they don’t feel like restrictions. probably because I believe in them, but probably more because I’ve grown up with them. but denying myself communication, time, and food. is kind of hard. also, I didn't start out my day with the meditation I did yesterday. perhaps that gives a sense of strength, grounded openness, and focus for the day.

today:
truth telling: didn’t talk much, so I told the truth when I did talk. but what about what I didn’t say today?
spending: $18 on U of U Performing Dance Company tickets.
phone: agh. not too much texting, but a few phone calls.
tv: American Idol – 1 hour.
internet: probably a little over my 1-hour limit.
silence: you be the judge.

monastic experience: day 1

I have taken it upon myself to become a Hindu monk for the next 14 days. not really. as part of my Survey of World Religions course, I am becoming a Hindu monk for the next 14 days. what this entails:

length: 14 days
coaching: check in daily with partners and professor. reminder of your commitment to the program.
food plan: eat only fruits, vegetables, legumes, whole grains—all without preservatives or other chemical additions. eggs and dairy products are acceptable in moderation. drink only water, fruit juices, and vegetable juices. no meat. eat your food slowly by being aware of each chew.
acts of kindness: each day, do one act of compassion, without anyone knowing you did it.
daily practice: 65 minutes of conscious physical movement (yoga), conscious breathing, devotional meditation, formal meditation, spiritual readings, journal writing.
modified silence: on Wednesdays during the 2-week exploration, observe modified silence, i.e. speak only when necessary. when necessary, be aware that you are speaking.
truth telling: tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, all the time.
spending record: record every penny you spend.
tv: record time you spent watching tv.
phones: only use your phone when necessary. texting to socialize is not necessary.
internet: use of internet for non-academic related purposes is limited to one hour per day.
progressive relaxation: when you retire to bed, spend 5 minutes doing progressive relaxation. focus on breathing and relaxing the muscles of your body starting at your toes and working up to your head.
karma yoga: do your work consciously. that is, with as much awareness of your body, thoughts, feelings, and environment as you can achieve. offer the work as a gift to your deepest self.
dream work: reflect on your dreams. write down dream content, feelings you had during the dreams, feelings you have as you remember the dream.

day 1
I let myself sleep in this morning—dreaming of job opportunities. people were there—in my dreams I mean—but I can’t remember what else. I planned to wake at 6 a.m. but woke at 7:50 instead. since I don’t have class on Tuesday, I leisurely downloaded a yoga podcast—the 20 minute sunrise salutation. I wanted to go somewhere outside where I could meditate uninterrupted. I live so close to campus that it is really the only place I know to go. so I found a place where only a few people would walk by (and only a few people did!). planted my heels to the ground and sent my sits-bones to the sky. downward facing dog. felt so good. the weather is so beautiful, as was 10-minutes of conscious breathing while the sun peaked over the mountains. finishing up with a little Hindu scripture and prayer, I got in the shower.

oatmeal for breakfast. honey and sliced bananas—no brown sugar. glass of silk. the weather was still beautiful as I walked to school. even though it was national pancake day, which I celebrated in style last year, and which the newsroom was celebrating, I refrained. and the frosting-smothered sugar cookies on my dining table have not tempted me. it’s my first day, and I’m strong.

checked in with my partners. I really tried to do a good deed, but probably didn’t. maybe there’s still time. after school (with limited texting I might add), I made a delicious snack. crisp bread with avocado, cheese, tomatoes, and spinach leaves. it was one of the most satisfying meals I’ve ever eaten. woah. did I really just say that? it was really good. after about 3 hours, I had 2 pieces of my mom’s love-filled, hand-ground-wheat, whole-wheat bread. thanks mom.

evaluation
truth telling: definitely could do better.
spending: $0
phone: limited—but could do better.
tv: obama’s speech – 20 minutes
internet: yikes.

tomorrow: modified silence.