here's to change.

my roommate Lene is so great. I haven't told you much about my roommates have I? well, for one, Lene (pronounced Lana) is from Norway. and she is teaching me Norwegian. I love it. 3 years of Spanish and I got nada. well, un poco. but Norweigan is good to me. Lene has been having what I would call a hard time focusing on school. this morning, she told me about her 8:00 am class every day next semester. I thought wow. and then, rudely slash jokingly, I said "you're never gonna go." how faithless of me. I believe in her to the core, but I'm sorry I said such a thing. of course we are so close and she is so great that she replied, "what? you don't have faith in me? I am going to change!" she said.

she is going to change and I believe it. chatting online with her mum in Norwegia (as we like to call it), her mom urged her to focus more on her schoolwork. she said, mom I know. she showed me her last thought "obama + me = change :) " I loved that. it reminded me of marta's obama fiasco--I am grateful for her insightful thoughts on change. I'm all for change. all for it. I want to change more than anything.

it seems like everyone is getting married. I don't know why, when I think about it, I can't count a significant-enough-number of people that I know--but it just seems like marriage is in the air. everyone is gettin' hitched.

I'm not. I don't know what I'm doing. sometimes at the end of the day I have to ask where did today go? part of my ongoing change is changing my priorities. where I spend my time reflects what is important to me. first: Jesus Christ. second: the people I love. third: the people I want to love. fourth: community. fifth: school. if only my time reflected so.



I can't decide what to do. I love my job. being a TA in American Heritage is so rewarding. I love teaching, I love the material, and I love the community of my students, fellow TA's, program directors, and professors. the whole thing means the world to me--and it has definitely received a large bulk of my time this semester. I love it.

I want to feel about my major the way I feel about my job. I currently have 2 majors: Print-Journalism and American Studies. hopefully, by the end of this whole college thing, I will have the skills to communicate well, and still have something worth saying. background is key.

so here's to change and all that it has in store for me: new major, new responsibility, new budget (saving up for abroad!), new financial shout-out (thanks to BYU Scholarships having what they called an 'unanticipated budget surplus'), new relationships, new classes next semester, new president 2009, new priorities, new time-expenditure, and a new me.

what it's like

to live with 5 roommates.

woke up to these 2 great signs.

today.

today I picked up a fortune off of the ground: "you have an important new business development shaping up."

later, I picked up a 3x5 card. dirty with purple-ink, messy hand-written notes on chemo, thermo, photo, and mechano. I thought of the person who lost it. I always do. should I pick it up or leave it? they are not going to come back here, on the sidewalk, looking for it. they just lost it and will have to write a new one. imagining them searching and searching and then finally rewriting, I take comfort in that I am not the only one that loses things.

I've beenc consumed in a certain soundtrack this week. walking to the Student Health Center, (a new place for me today), I had to sing aloud. embarrassing, I know.

goodbye fall.

goodbye fall and blue skies.

happy birthday megan.

I love you to pieces.  

november 5 2008

has been a huge day so far. and it's only 8:28 am.

I fell asleep last night to the news. I knew we could do it. 

woke up this morning to white stuff. it's snowing.  here comes a long winter.

and it's megan's birthday. she's 20.

empower yourself.

if you haven't already, I hope you are going to take part in democracy tomorrow. I couldn't feel more strongly about it.

messy autumn.

campus is a mess today. the grounds crew took the day off it seems. the weekend storm wet the pavement and autumn leaves are everywhere. the sun wasn't shining today either. I hate when my blog turns into my own private (very public) pity party. I'm sorry. I have just had the blues yesterday and today. I told it so to my boss and she said, yeah I've had a couple years like that.

I got my most beloved macbook back. what a blessing. I love those geniuses. they did the whole thing for free--new hard drive, new plastic cover thing--all of it. thank you. unfortunately, my cd/dvd drive isn't working so my hsm3 soundtrack lays lifeless in its case. nevertheless, it means I must see it in the theaters again.

yesterday was sweet Ivy's blessing day and it was such a happy day. so happy that when it ended I cried. I am so grateful for the part of my life that starts with Meg and Laura driving down to Provo in the p-i-m-p just to bring me back to Salt Lake and then back to Provo hours later. so grateful for the part of my life that includes 4-generation photos and pumpkin-oatmeal cookies and handmade Halloween plates.

sweet baby and her beautiful mother. (not me).

sorry for taking photos in sacrament meeting. at least the flash didn't go off! but isn't that dress gorgeous? Phoebe the master seamstress.

I do feel like my life is a beautiful mess. I am so lucky and blessed to have what I have. but my sky has been gloomy lately, despite the majestic mountains and orange leaves on the trees. because the soggy leaves beneath my feet are too distracting. it's too messy to have to pick a major/career/life.

American Heritage is a bright spot in my life, though. Not only do I like it a ton, I think I'm kind of good at it. maybe that's a sign?

on the bus.

I rode the bus home to Provo form Salt Lake today. I've made the same trip once before and it was interesting. strange people that opened my eyes a little to what Utah County can provide. today, though, a mother in a black velour track suit got on with her 3 daughters. they sat in front of me. ages from probably about 3 to 9, they were wearing half halloween costumes and half normal '99% angel 1% devil' t-shirts. the oldest girl asked to sit by her mom, immediately after which the middle daughter asked the same. the mom consented to sit half with one and half with the other, the youngest girl mostly keeping quiet. the oldest girl, Sage, started crying because her turn was going to be second. Mom started saying something about choices and agency. after 5 or 10 minutes of crying, Mom was lecturing again. and then continued intermittently throughout the bus ride. just as you thought Sage was going to let up on the sobbing, the mom would interject and say "you are choosing to display these emotions right now," or "you are your own agent." she proceeded to say that we all make choices in life, and those choices have consequences. Sage chose to throw a fit, and so now she doesn't get to sit by her mom at all. Sage kept weeping, "I just want to sit by you..." while the middle girl sat as far as possible away from her older sister. she didn't make a peep the entire ride. the youngest girl, Jocelyn, sat next to her mom and occasionally whined to ask her mom to listen to her. "one day," said the mom, "you will be able to control your emotions. remember we were just talking about your weaknesses becoming your strengths?" the sobbing continued for a while, as did the disciplining.

I kept getting the notion that I should do something. I thought I could just strike up a conversation with Sage. I had some candy in my bag. and Halloween--a kid's favorite holiday--was only yesterday. I could ask about that. or I could just put my hand on her shoulder and say, "sweety take a deep breath." surely, if nothing else, the conversation would be scary and strange enough for her to stop crying, and then Mom would stop speaking. I was afraid of overstepping the boundaries between helping a mother in need (in public!) and telling her how to be a parent. that boundary, was soon crossed.

the bus driver, (07084), asked,

"ma'am, how far are you going?"

Mom pretended she didn't hear him and so he shouted,

"hey lady! how far are you going?!"

"are you talking to me? I am going to Provo."

she was mad. and he had obviously gotten up all this courage and wasn't going to give up on it now.

"well you gotta stop talking to your baby like she's 20 and take her in your lap and hold her 'til she stops crying."

"what is your name? ...07084... how dare you?!" she gets out her phone.

the wailing stopped, and at this point I knew I had the opportunity to touch the mom's shoulder and just tell her the bus driver was way out of line and she shouldn't let him get to her. again, I was afraid. would she have raged on me for telling her to calm down? I did think the bus driver was super inappropriate and thought about talking to him directly. but I did nothing.

"how dare you tell me how to discipline my daughter! you have no right to tell me what to do. you have no idea what she's been through. a person who spent the first 2 years of her life in the Intensive Care Unit and after that was in a car accident and has been separated by a divorce and..."

she demanded to get off the bus, screaming all the while,

"what a God forsaken world this is. you have no patience or compassion on a little child. I feel sorry for you that you would tell me how to be a mother and for all of you," addressing all the passengers on the bus, "who have no compassion."

the bus driver tried to insert weak "sorry's" throughout her rampage.

during the whole episode, I couldn't believe it was all happening in reality. perhaps I've seen too much TV or read too many books, but I had to tell myself to freak out, because this was huge.

after the bus door was slammed in her face and her babies sat on the grass at the bus stop, we got on the freeway. I started crying. what a scene to witness. and my heart was broken for the woman whose bad day was today, and prayed for her that not every day was like this. my heart was remorseful that I did not do what was within my power to help the situation. I didn't even try anything in my power. I tried to give the bus driver the evil eye through his giant rear view mirror, but it didn't help. I thought of how unreal and thought-provoking the whole situation was.