new journal.

i am so pleased with myself. i finished a journal a few days ago, and buying a new one is so exciting and nearly ceremonial.   i found this one at grun. both are delightful. 

open book: lessons learned

dear reader:
i've been holding out on you.

you know when you have something you need to tell someone, but you don't know exactly how? or just waiting for the right time. and then you end up saying something casual and indifferent like, 'did i ever tell you?' or 'oh i've been meaning to tell you...' and you and your friend are absolutely certain you never told him or her. nor did you ever mean to until this very moment. but because your friend knows you (so well that he or she not only knew you were holding something back, but also that it is really hard for you to say what you're about to say) he or she just says something unassuming like, 'i don't think you told me...that is so exciting!' or a phrase with a similar effect. leaving you feeling so relieved. so glad you told them.

it's not a secret or anything. i'm not hiding it. and i'm not really 'waiting until you're primed' either. it's just something that is hard for me to tell you. something i want to tell you.

my last two weeks in provo (june 9 - june 20) i was in a small, tiny, itty-bitty, little relationship. if you can even call it that. i cringe at the tainted and loaded word. i really do. but that's what i would call it, and perhaps you all can help me come up with something better. but. i met him a while ago and had a small school girl crush. one crush that happened to 'work out' as it were.

leaving out the mushy then gory details--if i've been speaking of new experiences lately, this was it. so much to learn. so so much. so. in 2 short weeks. things i've learned:

i am an individual.

this was my first go at-- what we are for the time being calling-- a relationship. for a number of reasons but mainly because i am an individual. i am me and always have been. strong and independent of others--willing to be on my own. to be completely frank, i have always looked down on people (girls) who were in relationships. mostly ones that seem to simply jump from one to the next, but still. i had little admiration for people (girls) who couldn't spare a day without a boyfriend. out of all the things that says about me, the only good thing is that i have always valued individuality above all else. and at the drop of a hat when mr.anyone comes along, i succumb. submit. it's just so...opposite from who i've been in the past. something i can't really wrap my head around.

i've been so cautious in the past. i have never done much without thinking a lot beforehand. maybe it's the spring air in provo or the lifelessness of my at-the-time life, but the whole thing was thoughtless. swept. propelled. adjectives that replaced my usual cautious. thoughtful. i don't know if i have been found without defense--caught off guard. or if my defenses were too weak. i let my own guard down under the circumstances. all in all i wasn't vigilant as to watching the course i was to take for the next 2 weeks.

having said what i did about people (girls) who have been in relationships, let me say now that i realized it was not easy. in a lot of ways it's harder than being single. although i don't think it's easier than being alone. but it was harder than i thought it would be. harder than i expected. yes. partly because i am an individual. how is one to maintain who they are and become two? most of this stuff i'm still sorting out in my mind.  something else i have decided--that may help someone else in the future: i hope to never again have a relationship with a deadline on it.  too little is at stake.  

about 6 months ago i decided i was going to wear eyeliner. i'd worn versions of it before but, i wanted just a little something to change my daily makeup routine. i went to the m.a.c. counter and told the girl what i wanted. just a little something--nothing too drastic. she tried doing an eyeshadow liner, just eyeshadow painted on with a liner brush. i didn't like it--not enough. then she tried doing some fluid line. i liked that, but i already had it and was looking for something different. then she brought a full-blown, black, old fashioned pencil. she applied it and i loved it. so i bought it, sharpener and all. the funny thing is, i went in there to just look around. to try something small out. and even though i had no idea what it was, i walked out of nordstrom with exactly what i wanted.

for your curiosity, he and i have since parted and will not meet again for a long time, if ever. but after 2 short weeks with him, and 2 weeks without him, the individual i am now is so different than i imagined being. and i am learning.

nothing too drastic. as time propels me forward and i start to make changes--changes in my own individuality, adaptations that must be made for evolvement--i hope someone is looking out for me. someone who knows exactly what i want, even though i haven't figured it out yet.

oh. and. thanks for listening.

wedding.

my time at home in st. george has been busy, with the wedding and all. the 2-day event for the marrying of jonathan and jennifer was beautiful. jon seemed happier than ever.
 

happy couple. 

me + emily. bobsy twins. 

me and jon. 

megan and blake.  kind enough to bring me a lovely salad and 4 breadsticks. and a stolen fork.  

temple bride and groom. early morning temple facing east. i love sunrises. 

i went to high school with jenn. she is sweet as sugar and i love her. sisters. 

funnily enough, kate + parker are celebrating their 6 months of marriage on jon + jenn's wedding date. happy 6. 

luncheon was so fun. i love close groups. favors made by my creative mother. 

grandpa soniat and mom.  father and daughter. 

megan.  having a friend of my own always makes it feel like a true celebration. 

melissa's superb speech slash toast.  here here. 

off to boston for the honeymoon.  

mcdonald girlies. 

the more i live the more i am grateful for friends and family. missed you aunt jill. 

student blogger.

i just discovered student blogger. of course this exists and why shouldn't it? the question does remain, however, why i never sought it out before today. equipped with an excellent directory, they seem smart and worth visiting every so often. they feature student blogs daily, some posts of which have featured yours truly.

shower.

had a little shower yesterday for jenn, who is marrying my brother on saturday.

charlene: tacloban, philippines.

the adorable charlene opened a mission call to tacloban, philippines. can hardly believe it. 

transitions: 02

a newly acquired plant cozied up to my lifelong comforter to accompany me on my journey home to st. george.

back to blogland.

my existence is not so interesting lately. because that is precisely what it is--existence. i want to be good for something. but we'll see. many summers of mine have been spent simply existing.

where is home exactly? is it really where the heart is? a commenter observed my heart was in st. george. which i suppose is true. but i feel desperately homesick for provo. for incredible access to information, people, resources. not to mention the weather.

open book: the real me feels alone. i feel i have nowhere to be. no purpose. lost. what am i to do for the months of june, july, august? i think the bigger question is, what am i to do for the rest of my life? i don't know of anything i'm just dying to do. it seems like everyone around me is starting something new. traveling, getting married, racing, even working or schooling. i'm not sure how good i am at living from day to day without a distant goal in mind.

i get really funny when things change. i expect everyone is similarly resistant to change--but each person's dealings with this so-called enemy is different. i have a transition mode. it happens when life turns me upside down and inside out leaving me as one, giant open wound of absolute vulnerability. outwardly, it looks a lot like crying. red eyes and blotchy cheeks.

since june 6th until about the 21st (or i could argue 28th since my brother is getting married then), my life has been in perpetual motion. propelling me toward numbness, instead of the emotional basket case i typically revert to in transition mode.

not a new idea, but somehow enlightening: "we don't really know what we believe in or care about until what we believe in or care about is threatened, challenged, or measured."

- sheri dew, book.

i'm not sure how willing i am to give it the old college try--because college is gone. and what should it try for?

tuesday.

new thin-soled vans.  more flexible. more enjoyable. 

i have a lot on  my mind lately. 

school. finals tomorrow and thursday.  haven't studied nor am i prepared to be tested.  how can i just not care? i'll make it.  am sort of wondering what to expect for fall.  what classes will i take and will it be too much? i hope i regain focusness and can move more steadfastly.  i want to be a distance person. try out for cross country--not track.  

home.  moving home in 3 days.  pushing out of my mind that overly obtrusive thought what is there for me in st. george? it's easier this time, though.  now that spring is over, there really isn't much for me in provo either.  besides school--and i'm not wishing nor willing to push through it so quickly i regret it.  home will be good. unlimited summer activities that will make time go by faster than i probably want it to.  anyone know of restaurants in st. g. that are hiring?

life.  like i said, i've been experiencing some new experiences lately.  which is good. when people ask how are you? i really think about it. i've been thinking about it.  i am really good. like. really good.  

friends.  i'm so grateful for true friends.  embracing in times of hardship.  there are ties between us. i'm glad for the friends i haven't seen in a year, but that i can give a tight hug.  and i'm glad for the friends i can give a tight hug and start crying. i'm glad for friends i can call at 8:25 am and force to help me! experience is key. 

in answer to my own question, what is for me in st. george is friends. home. life.  different home. different life.  always same friends. 

uncharted territory.

i have been in the grass a little lately and acquired some little red bumps on tuesday or wednesday. chiggers--someone said. chiggers in utah? i don't know enough about chiggers or american geography to neither agree nor disagree. so i went with chiggers. i put nail polish on them, as my floridian roommate advised me, in order to choke them. the more i talked to people though, the more i questioned my self-diagnosis. the funny thing is--in st. george, or most of 'urban' utah, there are not many small biting bugs (that i grew up with at least)--so i didn't know, and i still don't know if having chiggers or something akin to it is like having lice. you don't really want everyone or anyone to know you have it. but it is no secret to all who know me. i have chiggers.

but i told the people at work: i have chiggers. chiggers?--they said. no. not in utah. you can't get chiggers from grass that's sprinklered every night and mowed every week and that thousands of kids play on every day. not chiggers. fleas. or mites. or bed bugs. cooties--my boss said.

now. i keep finding them in places where they weren't just one day ago. so i'm thinking--not chiggers. my roommate is feeling kind of nauseated today--maybe that has something to do with it. perhaps it's something in my clothes--my new laundry detergent. or maybe it's in my bedsheets, or in my cocoa butter. or maybe my expired milk gave it to me.

going home to st. george this weekend, i am only wishing i would go into the doctor or dentist for a routine check up and something would make me go into anaphylactic shock. sending me straight to the fictional princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital in new jersey. dr. house would refuse my case until cameron or chase convinces him otherwise. they would search my home and find termites or aliens or something completely dramatic that caused these little red bumps. and just in time to save my very life.

life has been throwing stuff at me lately. i have been in willing suspension of disbelief--that my life was perfect: nothing hard, no trials, no suffering. but also that it was imperfect: i wanted something more. not only did i want something more i wanted something exact and specific. and i got it. i got exactly what i wanted. precisely.

it is not the first time i've been granted my exact wish. but it is the first time i wasn't sorry i wished it. i didn't want something else instead. i wanted what i got. today, however, i've felt a little slapped in the face. which is good. i'm glad. because i needed it more than anything.

i have yet to know the origin and nature of these little red bumps that are itching and spreading and invading. maybe i'll find out. maybe i won't. hopefully they'll go away, but i don't know if they will. some things, i know for certain, will be gone in a week. and that will be that. but other things remain. like questions, anxiety, inexperience, wishes, longing, memories, and dreams.

these red bumps, they are uncharted territory for me. i'm sure others have had them loads of times and know exactly what to do, how to deal, how to resist and how to recover. they are familiar with them and recognize them instantly. but for me. they are brand new. foreign and almost unfriendly. i don't know how to make them go away. i don't know how to keep them. my life is different. the question is, after passing through such unfamiliar highways, can a life remain unchanged?

can i bounce back after what i know only to be uncharted territory.

big bang.

in line.  trev, meg, kyle, ren, rob, me. 

love taking photos. 

what?

sky ride.  kind of queazy at times. 

abby girl. met up with her for stake lagoon day. 

blue. 

swings.  megan's never ridden them.  but you're not allowed on when you're wearing flip-flops. 

on friday (june 6), we went out with a bang.  as the last thing any of the gang do anything together, megan, ren, trevor, kyle, and rob drove up and we went to lagoon. it was a day filled with mixed emotions. but between wicked, getting kicked off the swings, dip-n'-dots, and witnessing some scary stuff--it was fun. 

and they all left today.  there are no more boys left.  which is good. megan and i are on our own for the next 2 years or so.  should be interesting. 

.

From [the] majestic world of spirits we enter the grand stage
of life to prove ourselves obedient to all things commanded of God. During
mortality we grow from helpless infancy to inquiring childhood and then to
reflective maturity. We experience joy and sorrow, fulfillment and
disappointment, success and failure. We taste the sweet, yet sample the
bitter. This is mortality.

Then to each life comes the experience
known as death. None is exempt. All must pass its portals.

To
most, there is something sinister and mysterious about this unwelcome
visitor called death. Perhaps it is a fear of the unknown which causes many
to dread its coming. . . .

. . . [The Savior's] words
to the grieving Martha and to His disciples today bring comfort to
us:

'I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth
in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:

'And whosoever
liveth and believeth in me shall never die' (John
11:25-26).

'In my Father's house are many mansions:
if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for
you.

'. . . I will come again, and receive you unto myself;
that where I am, there ye may be also' (John
14:2-3)."

- thomas s. monson

sam + sunday dinner.

jeremiah.  sam. 

my roommate samantha made me dinner on sunday night.  usually, she goes to her boyfriend, jeremiah's grandparent's house for sunday dinner.  but the sweet girl she is, didn't want me to be alone this sunday.  

she is so funny. i love love love sharing a room with her. she's a huge tease. she will find the way to twist hers and your words to make a joke.  we do everything we can together.  it's not a lot, but i love it. 

new route.

everyone at byu, in provo, and in northern utah, is always complaining about parking.  there just isn't enough parking around.  there is enough.  but with a car, parking has now become my nemesis.  i understand now.  i have found a lot that i actually rather enjoy.   it's by the darling duck pond and sits at the bottom of some grand staircases, unused outdoor classrooms, and political artwork apparently.  

i can't bring myself to park anywhere else. 

baked ziti.

i attended my first break the fast on sunday.  much could be said about the event, but i will just enlighten you on my college kitchen experience, baking ziti.  i baked all day long and brought it along with some cookies to the long tables where...like...a thousand dishes were. there was so much food--so many options. the cookies were gone in a moment. and, pleased with myself, the ziti was gone in about 10.


BAKED ZITI submitted by Alyssa Norr

Ingredients
• One 16oz package of ziti pasta
• One pound of ground beef or sausage
• One onion chopped
• Two 28oz jars of spaghetti sauce
• 6oz sliced provolone cheese
• 6oz sliced mozzarella cheese
• 1 and 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 cup fresh basil (chopped) optional

Instructions
1. Cook pasta 8-10 minutes
2. Brown meat, add chopped onions, drain off fat, add spaghetti sauce and let simmer for approximately 15 minutes
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
4. In a two quart baking dish, place half of the pasta then top with alternating kinds of cheese, add some of the sauce mixture and a layer of sour cream
5. Place remaining pasta, cheese, and sauce on top, finally adding a layer of Parmesan and basil
6. Bake for approximately 30 minutes or until top is bubbly

drive.

remember my walk (photos) to campus. kate left me her car for the summer and now i have a different view.  these bushes with lavender-colored blossoms smell delicious.  could they be lavender-scented? or perhaps they're just real lavender.  but i doubt it.  

it's been raining a lot too. 

re-discoveries.

tracy chapman.
express.
my girl. 

watch. 

adulthood 101.

jon + jenn.

bridals by denise hoogland are up and are beautiful.  i'm still in shock that my brother is getting married. any cures?

taking a break.

am on hiatus from blogging for a bit. if you couldn't tell. 

studies in more ways than one have got hold of me. 

i leave you in good hands--your own. 

c.m. photography.

photo. 

photo. 

remember this picture? well, my sister kate's freshman roommate is a photography student here at the Y. she did kate's engagement photos, and i also sat for her for a little assignment she had to do in her portrait class, and scolded her...you need to start a blog! and she did.  c.m. photography, and she is so super talented. (and getting married the same day as my brother! in st. george! we will most definitely have to stop by.)