full circle.

september 23 2007

october 25 2007

december 3 2007

april 21 2008

to you:

yes. i have been avoiding you. accept my apology.  feel no malice toward me.  it will come as no wonder to you that i have been having mixed emotions lately.  i wrapped up finals (55% on econ. thanks to all my supporters.  the rest of them were successful).  and started packing up. 

i burned the inside of my elbow last saturday. on a cookie sheet. both sides of the crook of my arm were scalded; one side from the lip of the sheet, and the other from the bottom.  i filled a mixing bowl with cold water and dunked it for 30 minutes.  even dear friends came by and took a little care of me.  after a week that felt like much longer, it has nearly healed. this burn has consumed my entire self. i have felt so vulnerable this past week. not because of the burn, but like the burn--a most susceptible part of me is exposed.  i do hate goodbyes.  what's hardest is when you aren't the one saying goodbye.  what you have is gone and you have no choice in the matter.  why i've been avoiding you and all i've wanted to say is: i am really sad. 

sad for different reasons than a year ago.  at high school graduation, i was more than happy to be out of there. sure, i've looked back on good times in high school and am glad for my experiences.  but i was sad to be growing up. sad to be letting go of childhood. now, i am not so much sad to not be a child, but scared to be an adult.  adulthood is hard. who knew? letting go and giving things up.  and i have grown so much.  best year of my life--hands down. but i wouldn't so go far as to say i am (un)officially an adult.  i have been official for 8 months now.  i would say though, and i'm sure you'd all agree, 

i am lost. perhaps/probably it's getting old to read my writings of ambiguous feelings. true reflection has devolved into utter confusion and you have been reading the same forsaken story all year.  

choices made tear you from your roots.  roots no matter how deep they run--can they be in more than one place? i've decided to stay in provo, go to byu, for spring term.  i will be here for 7 more weeks, and then return to st. george for a short but satisfying summer.  i just couldn't decide...and then i did.  frankly, i was worried that it would be so much more difficult to be who i am here, there. so i stayed.  of course now that i am moved in and have new roommates and a walk-in closet, i'd rather be in st. george. ugh, i hate me.  oh well--ces't la vie.  to make a poor analogy, those ever-changing trees have bloomed where they are planted.  they have dug their roots deep into the earth because someone planted them there.  but their family and first home, their figurative roots, are probably somewhere far.  bloom where you're planted.  that phrase never had significance to me before today.  it sort of means make the best, right?  make the best of the decision i made. 

everything has come full circle.  time gone by and the leaves are back on the trees. i can believe how unbelievable it is that i've been here an entire school year. 

learned. 

thinking about leaving home.

getting excited. 

the night before. 

day one. 

picking a major. 

i survived winter. 

academic transition to college. 

singing a different tune not so long ago. 

best thing i did all year. 

grass is always greener. 

day last.