uncharted territory.

i have been in the grass a little lately and acquired some little red bumps on tuesday or wednesday. chiggers--someone said. chiggers in utah? i don't know enough about chiggers or american geography to neither agree nor disagree. so i went with chiggers. i put nail polish on them, as my floridian roommate advised me, in order to choke them. the more i talked to people though, the more i questioned my self-diagnosis. the funny thing is--in st. george, or most of 'urban' utah, there are not many small biting bugs (that i grew up with at least)--so i didn't know, and i still don't know if having chiggers or something akin to it is like having lice. you don't really want everyone or anyone to know you have it. but it is no secret to all who know me. i have chiggers.

but i told the people at work: i have chiggers. chiggers?--they said. no. not in utah. you can't get chiggers from grass that's sprinklered every night and mowed every week and that thousands of kids play on every day. not chiggers. fleas. or mites. or bed bugs. cooties--my boss said.

now. i keep finding them in places where they weren't just one day ago. so i'm thinking--not chiggers. my roommate is feeling kind of nauseated today--maybe that has something to do with it. perhaps it's something in my clothes--my new laundry detergent. or maybe it's in my bedsheets, or in my cocoa butter. or maybe my expired milk gave it to me.

going home to st. george this weekend, i am only wishing i would go into the doctor or dentist for a routine check up and something would make me go into anaphylactic shock. sending me straight to the fictional princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital in new jersey. dr. house would refuse my case until cameron or chase convinces him otherwise. they would search my home and find termites or aliens or something completely dramatic that caused these little red bumps. and just in time to save my very life.

life has been throwing stuff at me lately. i have been in willing suspension of disbelief--that my life was perfect: nothing hard, no trials, no suffering. but also that it was imperfect: i wanted something more. not only did i want something more i wanted something exact and specific. and i got it. i got exactly what i wanted. precisely.

it is not the first time i've been granted my exact wish. but it is the first time i wasn't sorry i wished it. i didn't want something else instead. i wanted what i got. today, however, i've felt a little slapped in the face. which is good. i'm glad. because i needed it more than anything.

i have yet to know the origin and nature of these little red bumps that are itching and spreading and invading. maybe i'll find out. maybe i won't. hopefully they'll go away, but i don't know if they will. some things, i know for certain, will be gone in a week. and that will be that. but other things remain. like questions, anxiety, inexperience, wishes, longing, memories, and dreams.

these red bumps, they are uncharted territory for me. i'm sure others have had them loads of times and know exactly what to do, how to deal, how to resist and how to recover. they are familiar with them and recognize them instantly. but for me. they are brand new. foreign and almost unfriendly. i don't know how to make them go away. i don't know how to keep them. my life is different. the question is, after passing through such unfamiliar highways, can a life remain unchanged?

can i bounce back after what i know only to be uncharted territory.