untamed love.

i stumbled across these romance comics at flickr. i love the artwork + the messages. don't you just know how she feels?

fa or ta?

last semester i took american heritage and loved it. i spent a lot of hours in the review room, working with various teaching assistants. and at the end of the semester, realized how amazing the material for the course was and how much i was going to miss reading + attending lecture + discussing + going "oh my gosh, that is so cool." i really loved the material, and my friends came to me for help with it. so i decided i wanted to be a ta. hence taking econ 110 + political science 110. it is basically a repeat of american heritage--but a lot harder. i am excited about it.

but today, i had a follow-up interview with my former peer mentor from freshman academy. at the end of the interview, he mentioned that they were accepting applications for new peer mentors and encouraged me to...become one. i loved freshman academy. it is almost identical to being an ambassador, which i did all through high school, but more intense.

so now, what do i do? both are jobs. you get paid. both require that you work about 15-20 hours a week. both include paperwork + 'office hours.' both are 'leadership positions' and both probably look good on a resume.

fa peer mentor : much more personal. i get involved in the lives of freshman. guide them, tutor them, mentor them. i get to teach them a little about whatever they are studying, but more, teach them how to live and grow and learn. as a peer mentor, i would build good 1-on-1 relationships with freshman, attend their classes (that my community of students all have together), and provide socials with each other and professors. if i applied and made it, i would be able to start this fall.

american heritage ta : much more academic. i get to rehearse the material (that i love) and be a sort of tyrant over students of all ages. i hold my own 'labs,' basically i have my own class (possibly even more than one). i also hold review sessions in the review room, grade papers and attend lectures. i get to help them love america--hate school-- but love america. i would not be able to apply until i'm done with this semester. if i made it, i wouldn't be able to start until winter 2009.

ideally, i would be able to be a peer mentor for a community studying american heritage. this would mean that i would do all the mushy stuff, but still be involved in the great material. i think i would be happy with either option, but i would like (need) your genuine advice. what do you think?

january 31 2008

we are 1/12 the way done with 2008.

january is over.

are you finding yourself asking these questions? it's not too late to get LOST tonight.

lovers everywhere on the eve of love month. more of my thoughts to come.


missing hp.

i've been missing harry lately. apparently, i'm not alone. 

tanner building.

taking care of business. 


photos from nov. 07 archive. 

this is the tanner building. i've never had any scheduled classes in it, but i did have my very first lecture there during new student orientation. it was here that i realized i wasn't that smart. everyone around me had brilliant questions + answers. brilliant.

this is an amazing building though. there is a little courtyard where you can buy bagels + juice. the white walls are adorned with flags from nearly every country in the world. it is the building with all the business classes in it. 

m. graham: the body never lies.

this post is kind of silly. and a little bit over the top. i'm taking an aerobic dance class. i love love love it. it is the absolute best. we vary from total 80s aerobics to hip hop to strength + conditioning to flexibility + meditation. today we did some serious yoga/pilates. oh my. i haven't stretched like that since i was a child. so much pain. but it feels soooo good. i don't know how i've been living without such rituals for so long. it makes me want to become a full-time dancer. or a full-time stretcher. at the end of our session, we just laid there for 5 minutes. my mind was so clear. the body never lies.

i want to do this til the day i die.


remember this post?

i have had some bitter feelings since then. truly, it is not my favorite season. someone was telling me 'the 7 mistakes of choosing a mate' from their marriage prep class. one was too short of dating time--you should know someone you marry during all 4 seasons. while i am not making any sort of statement about mate-picking, i do have to agree that i am not the same person i am in winter that i am in fall. this whole snow thing is taking its toll on me. i was with a friend last weekend, giving him a hard time for dragging me around. ya know, the usual 1. 2. he thought i was just ranting off another complaint about our evening plans, so he laughed when i said, "i do not appreciate all this snow."

last night, during my blistery walk home, i felt the slightest appreciation for the silence of snow. it being a foreign substance to me, it astounded me how much sound was soaked up. it was like being in a padded room. (isn't it funny that i must relate what is natural to something man-made?) i was grateful i hurriedly forgot my ipod that morning. just to listening---and to listen to--absolutely nothing. it was kind of a relief. and but for a small moment, i was there, appreciating the snow.


wedded bliss.

happy anniversary kate + parker.

dreams for my kids: 3x3.

3 x 3. whenever i flip through my pottery barn catalogue over college-made hamburger helper or frozen burritos, i can't help but think how splendid it will be to fill my kid-filled home with kid-proof , kid-friendly decor. if i was building/owning/living in a house, this home office would be the first thing i'd do. how much fun to send my little ones off to school and craft + blog + photograph + organize all day long until they leap off that yellow bus {that i was on such a short time ago} and into my arms. after which we craft + blog + photograph until bed time when i can read to them to kill a mockingbird and sir j.m. barrie {as i did only a short time ago.} until they no longer have strength over their heavy eyelids and they wake up in the morning to their dad singing + cooking oatmeal {like my dad did just a short time ago.}  and say "mom! we did not fall asleep last night! you did!" {just as i did not a short time ago.}



few words from me. just love. thinking about attending.
article here.
she said it.
here too.
crying + college. must watch.
candle ceremony here last night. loved to dress up today along with all my fellow students. our generation. the only prophet we ever really knew. he will always be our prophet. grateful for our time + love together.

sang praise to the man in bom today. knew my tears weren't alone as the song applied to him more than ever. remember this every time i sing it. his testimony. his love + life + legacy.

praise to the man
who communed with jehovah
jesus anointed that prophet + seer.

kings shall extol him and nations revere.

faithful + true,
he will enter his kingdom
crowned in the midst of the prophets of old.

hail to the prophet
ascended to heaven
mingling with gods
he can plan for his brethren
death cannot conquer the hero again.

such a heavy weight to bear, yet such an infectious optimism.



the weather is so splendid today, i just want to put on a dress and take a walk in the sun. heart the dress shop here.



have been reminiscing about high school today. some of my fondest memories: 
sterling scholar. oh the pressure.  i don't really remember caring about my social life--at all. maybe it just seems so insignificant to me now. but really, i feel like i didn't have one nor care about one. the cd players in mine + meg's cars. it was always fun to either be surprised about what cd would be playing at lunch time, or be the one doing the surprising.  how much and how little i learned academically in high school.

what counts.

the old childhood maxim has been ringing though my head today. it's what's on the inside that counts. what triggered it: the insecurities that come along with my puffy orange coat. a political campaign button that may or may not raise interesting conversation with my fellow students. today i believe it's what's on the inside that counts. 



what i know about their sender:
- knows i'm a "little a"

that's all i know. heart photobooth. 
p.s. if you didn't get enough of meg. keep up to date, here. 

need to:

get back in the groove.
get the creative juices flowing again. dear blog, you have hardly crossed my mind of late.
how long should i go without?
i think i must get a camera soon.



they just keep coming.

laughing my head off.

gets funnier every time. love you meg.

wish i was there.

i do wish i was there. not sure if i will do it; i wouldn't necessarily call myself well-traveled. but thought i would spread the word for kelly, sign up all of you who've been to nyc, hawaii, russia, alaska, mexico, california, phillipines, etc.


just today.

woke up at 8:23 am this morning. my ride arrived at 8:33. have been wearing normal ballet flats to school recently. tired of the ones made for walkin'. same as today except i walk out and..snow. bummer. i'm so mad. 

then, i find out my ride didn't even have class. captain awesome just dropped me off. don't nice people just make you so mad?

had a lovely time at kate + parker's yesterday. darling little apartment with great cooking, a washer + dryer, and lots of treats. wildly entertaining to be entertained by newlyweds. 

was going to go home this weekend. heart mlkj. but snow + time + parents won't permit. 

bonnie, i miss my camera too. 


thanks pheebs. i'm thrilled to have been invited/made aware of this little ditty. it's marvelous.  have a little looksy. and if i don't have your email, send me a note and we'll get together on shelfari. it seems like so much fun + so little pressure. not too much time wasted. :)

self discovery 07: what i want.

first time:
i remember reading in a book that i didn't know what the book was about or why i was reading it. i remember it wasn't even  a particularly good or well-written book. but i read this line out of it: fall returned like a bookmark saving  the page, right where we left off. and it was written much more eloquently...but just the idea was beautiful. i was probably about 10 or 11. and i just thought. wow, i want to write like that. 

i want to write like her, or her. like that

but in my studies (hmm about 2 weeks.) of writing, it's not doing anything for me. i love the media, and i want to interject my opinion and change people's minds, and defend the things in my head.  the ambition in me wants to write something the whole world will read. that will upset some people. or cause some havoc, if only a little. what truly troubles me is reporting. disappearing in what i write. becoming so transparent that i won't even be forgotten--for forgetting would require that something was at one time remembered. i'm consternated by the ever-changing face of the media. it simply does not stand for longer than a day. just thinking out loud. 

surely, there are more marvelous ways than one to influence the world. 


memory sickness.

what will i remember {visually} from today:

  • trying on 1000 outfits. why. 
  • getting a ride in the same white mini-van. 
  • texting to my heart's desire. although it's not always my preferred communication, sometimes it's just fun to get your thumbs going at it. and the  little smirk to yourself that is so annoying when others exhibit, but so irresistible in my own shoes. 
  • laughing my head off with doug in comms 211. 
  • m.w. bagel + smear. cinnamon sugar + strawberry. candy for breakfast. 
  • finding a beloved item in the lost + found. thank you for honest people + good organizations. 
  • seeing sister samuelson in the bottom of the wilk. 
  • talking to a dear persevering + pregnant friend. happy day. 
  • wasting time for the first time since i got here. wahoo. 
  • the walk home: i return to my old ways as requested by the s.p. for the first time, i walked with solid soles on my feet over a cobblestone sidewalk. it feels good to have a sound foundation under me while walking over shaky ground. 
  • eye contact.
  • love love love this girl. had so much fun at another agemni dinner. 18 is so good to me, yet so harsh. laughing my head off. talking about efficiency of wasting time. among other things. thanks char. 


i want a retraction on your blog.

what the heck is a retraction?

you have to take back something you wrote + make a correction.

oh. sure thing. what is it?

you gave credit to "an acquaintance from the other night" that said that january is 31 mondays...that was ME...in this class...on monday.

omg. i couldn't remember who said it. i'm sorry.  i thought it was this boy named ... in my ward that i sort of have a crush on so i didn't want to say "this really cute friend of mine..." so i didn't remember. i'll change it. asap.

well you can still say "this really cute friend of mine..." just put "this really cute friend of mine named doug."  blogging 101...give credit where credit is due.

no way. i don't have to give credit to anyone on my blog. it's my blog. but i will post this conversation. 

oh and.

one more. subtle heart shaped accidents.
found this via alyson. looks interesting, no? be grateful for your camera: participate.

coming up.

to get you in the mood. 

and heart heart. 

my word: 04

vanguard van·guard [van-gahrd]
1. the foremost division or the front part of an army; advance guard; van.
2. the forefront in any movement, field, activity, or the like.
3. the leaders of any intellectual or political movement.


juno soundtrack.

although i haven't seen it, the soundtrack is phenomenal. i may be the last to realize because i have yet to see the film, but it's a good one--especially the little something from cat power. look around here.


came across this cute stuff at poppytalk today.


oh my. look what's arriving soon. can't believe it. a new soul. you better watch this. (love this song too.)


happy monday(s).

heart golden-rod. 

bo. thanks em. 

pheebs said it just right: it's january. why is january just the pits? i was about to express this to an acquaintance last night when he stole the words right out of my mouth: january is like 31 mondays. it's terrible. 

i'm back in p-town and spirits are looking up. hope your weekend was as heartwarming as mine. 

mental images:
  • snow shovelers on campus. 
  • dixie state college basketball game. dorms. college life elsewhere. 
  • vista of em + jim stepping out of itty-bitty toy plane. 
  • hundreds of freshman bypassing the crosswalk, adding an extra 5 minutes to their walk out of sheer obedience to the stake president. 


where summer spends it's winter.

read this.
distrubing. no?
visit the lovely marta's lovely sister.

have been rushed home by a willing brother. thank you. love home. love the sun. feels like an entire semester since i've been here. but it's only been one week. how strange. planning to visit + shop + quilt + bank + soak in the rays + search.
be home.



happy birthday to you, karl. 

"i have been asked what I mean by my word of honor. i will tell you. place me behind prison walls-- ever so high, ever so thick, reaching ever so far into the ground - there is a possibility that in some way or another i will escape; but stand me on a floor and draw a chalk line around me and have me give my word of honor never to cross it. can I get out of the circle? no. never! i would die first."

- karl g. maeser

self discovery: 06

mental image: soup from the twilight zone that i take to a picnic table, where i open up the steam-releasing lid and scorching liquid falls through the table's constructional wholes and onto my knee. while most will wait til spring or summer to eat outside again, my daily routine goes uninterrupted as i need nothing but the burning of my tongue to protect me from the chill.

i used to hate soup. but for someone reason, i've changed my ways. i can't go a day without it. i love love love soup. forgive me all who tried to talk sense into me. i have reconciled now.

my word: 03

glut [gluht]
1. to feed or fill to satiety; sate:
2. to feed or fill to excess; cloy.
3. to eat to satiety or to excess.
6. a full supply.


day 3.

today, i would have taken pictures of:
  • me in my bunched-puffed-burnt orange parka from campworld. am i really the most lucky princess to get my dad's camping coat in place of the one i lack. 
  • crowds of people in swollen coats and mittens, huddled under umbrellas, walking on icy pathways. the snowstorm arrived as i woke up, fulfilling the prophecy of last night's warm temperature. 
  • the bench seat of a white, chrysler mini-van whose driver offered me a ride amid the blizzard. just like the one i wept for when my parents sold it. 
  • statue of a family with snow-caps on top. literally. they had big tall hats of snow on their heads. i stopped and laughed out loud, trying to decide if it was the prank of a student, or just the comical stylings of mother nature herself. 

same classes as day 1 today. except:

2 pm: dance 130 - dance aerobics
now, i have to take a bunch of p.e. credits to graduate. if you know me in person, you know i'm the most athletic person you and i both know. if you don't know me in person, i must supplement here that the previous sentence was sarcastic. simply put, i was reluctant to do anything involving physical activity. i was scared to death (again with my recurring middle school, insecurity nightmares). but it was so fun. the instructor is new zealand-ese and reminds me a lot of these guys. he highly encourages water bottles, partnering up, grunts, yeah!'s, woo's, and the like.

4 pm: communications 101 - the media of mass communications
loved this class. it's going to be way less boring than i thought. hooray. aside from some annoying assignments, i'm excited for this class.

my other classes were great too. so excited to be learning: the 5 big questions for government. the declaration of independence. the constitution. the contradictions of the 2. what journalists do. what journalists care about. what to be careful for. types of communication. models of communication. + much more.

reading this tonight, kindles the same {question} in me. i am compelled + required + encouraged + even excited to remember what i'm learning, that i'm afraid i won't remember anything else. most of what i observe, i remember in my head, and privately smile to satisfy my own self aggrandizement. but what will i remember. will it be important? my thoughts + her words have brought me to this conclusion: my memory is my most valuable possession.

what i will remember from today: snow snow snow. tragedy. fiery chicken + wild rice soup outside. wearing dad's orange coat with no shame + no cold. intruding roommate's boyfriends. you.


day 2.

9:30 am: economics 110 - economics + public policy 
#1 most failed class at byu. yikes. i really like economics, but boy am i scared. the tests are multiple choice, options a thru k. and it's economics. my teacher has an infamous reputation at byu, but i like him. i know he's a stickler, but he also seems genuinely excited to teach, and for us to learn.

that was pretty much the extent of my day. ha. comical. i only have that one class on tuesday and thursday. but i was slightly productive in studying, talking to family, and standing in bookstore lines.

i just have to keep reminding myself that i am excited. excited to be learning + moving forward + for a recently engaged friend from high school + to just be american. grateful for storms, because it turns the atmosphere pleasantly warm right before a big one hits. 

today, would have taken a picture of: 
  • two adjacent trash cans, one overflowing, one empty. 
  • being shooed away from a film shoot.
  • thousands of students lined up to devour ice cream sundaes for karl's birthday. 
  • the miraculous pair of mittens i found in the box labeled grandma's gloves + purses. among gold + gaudy handbags + opera glasses, were the marvel of brown yarn, complexly knitted, double {phospholipid} bilayer that keep my hands on fire. 


to me, january means:

high school musical
black nail polish
arby's curly fries

so it goes.

i was off tv for a while. i completely quit. good for me. but i'm back on the wagon. or off the wagon. which is it? either way, lost returns in t minus 23 days. can't wait.


college: semester 2: day 1

9 am: political science 110 - american politics + government
i think i'm going to adore this class. (wishing i could take poli sci 101 - current events, but won't work with my schedule!) my teacher was about 3 feet tall. not really, but he was really short. i found myself excited about the things i knew from american heritage (the class i loved so much i decided, for now, i want to be a teaching assistant for it, which inspired my taking this class.), but still wishing i could spout factual information more readily. i could answer, without thinking, exactly where in the constitution displays a structure to balance between tyranny + anarchy, law + freedom, virtue + self-interest. then i thought, do i need a phd for that?

10 am: communications 211 - news writing
a pre-requisite for my major. appears it will be much easier than i thought. except for one haunting word: the benchmark. this is the article that must be written in a finite amount of time that your professor and lab assistant give a score, which determines your fate. not really, just whether you get into the major or not. i'm excited.

in reexamining my life though, this is a class epitomic of the epiphanic time when i realized journalism was a profession. never before had it occurred to me. i didn't so much as dream as i did fathom what it would be like to learn how to write the news. i treasure these fantastical specifics that are now real. definitely better extramentally.

12 pm: religion 122 - book of mormon 2
my book of mormon 1 class had about 20 people in it. this one has about 200. how paltry i feel. contains some good friends worth getting to know better, about half my ward, and a girl i spent a great deal of time with in the american heritage review room who is both hilarious + kind, and told an unsettling story in class today about getting chased up the great wall by a china woman with a cane.

summary: college round 2. am having the usual and all-too-familiar homesickness after time with family. who all keep reminding me i didn't want to go home to begin with. a friend e-mailed me today. she said it perfectly:

it is just a weird time of life, and you tend to feel a lot of pressure to make something useful of yourself, and pick a career you will love, and you have this funny sense of not knowing how your life is going to eventuate and just waiting for it to do something

lately i am feeling more like a late bloomer than ever. i feel like i've just entered 7th grade and trying to figure out--pardon the phrase---who i am. i guess i'm saying that i'm not quite as confident as i was in round 1. which is just fine with me. for now. what i'm not fine with is a loss of fascination + enthusiasm. perhaps i shall recover from my numbness to the college scene after the sting of being home wears off.

my word: 02

myriad myr·i·ad [mir-ee-uhd]
1. a very great or indefinitely great number of persons or things.
3. of an indefinitely great number; innumerable
4. having innumerable phases, aspects, variations


loosen up.

um. are you kidding me? thank you karamea for this wonderful link. you all will drool over these tights, among other things.

oh my word.

i'm constantly flipping through my thesaurus to see what brilliant diction i can next jot down. and i always do find such wonderful words. but i always have a fear of forgetting them (and a rightful fear, at that! for i hardly ever remember what they mean, let alone use them.) so i'm implementing another new years resolution. hooray. but the catch is i'm roping you into it too.

every day there will appear a new word and it's meaning. you and i must use the word at least once in that day. won't it be fun? today's word:

recitude rec·ti·tude [rek-ti-tood, -tyood]
1. rightness of principle or conduct; moral virtue: the rectitude of her motives.
2. correctness: rectitude of judgment.



my sister gave me a set of 4 darling mugs at the beginning of the semester. being the gracious roommate i am, i allowed for k + a to use my mugs for hot chocolate whenever they would like. after returning home from thanksgiving, there were only 3 left. how this could be, i have no clues.

i kept having dreams that my mug returned to me. coming back to me. places where i hadn't looked. i always woke up willing to search, but always disappointed. the more people i've told, the more i've been tormented. 'look in the closet,' {they'd} say. sure enough. there was my mug. i couldn't have been happier than having found my mug. but as i returned it to its place in the cupboard, i found that it was not the fourth, but the third mug. how mean. college is brutal.

if you see it. please do let me know.

2 weeks.

what i did for 2 weeks.

saw this and this.

watched way too much of him and them.


the wedding was one of the best days of my life. i'm so happy for them both. family + friends surrounding. half of whom ask me what year of high school i'm in. the other half proclaiming in a threatening whisper 'you're next!'

one sad thing at the wedding, though. i misplaced my camera. i can't find it anywhere. could it be karma? everyone all night was telling me, 'your camera is on the table there dear.' and 'don't forget your camera!' just as the vases were emptied and the ribbon spooled up, i was sure i put it in my purse. until, no. it's somewhere, i just don't know where. i feel as if a part of me has died. {from.} it's strange though. i'm trying not to be over dramatic, but i just feel pure heartache every time my mind returns to that small box of silver. it is my best friend + sole companion. everywhere i go. my life shall be woefully wanting from this point on. and so shall this blog. i'm sorry.

got packed + unpacked all in a day. and took a bath tonight. i haven't taken one for probably 6 years at least. i'm not one for new years resolutions, but every person should resolve to take more baths. scrunch yourself into your {in my case, tiny} tub and immerse your ears, just to listen to the beat of your own heart.

as i stepped out of the bath and into my brand new towels, i noticed that unlike my old familiar yellow ones, these brown towels leave a mark of exactly where you dried off. imprinted residue of wetness exactly where i touched to my face. not sure why this stopped me. everywhere, things snag me. {by.}

epic sentences keep running through my head, as if i'm writing a soap opera or a dramatic play for the theater. i don't know why i feel so introspective. and retrospective.