looking up.

the glass is definitely half full. in fact, i think it's completely full and i am overestimating my own optimism.  class yesterday was wonderful. i am taking (1) principles of journalism.  the last class i need to apply to the journalism program.  it is 2.5 hours long twice a week--but i will endure it well.  (2) new testament.  i am so extremely excited for this class.  taught by jared ludlow, it is small and very intense, but it will most definitely be the highlight of my week. 

and. today, i got a job.  i walked into guru's where there is a help wanted sign. just to ask for an application, but they wanted to interview me, and once they found out my hours (pretty much wide open) they told me they'd see me tomorrow! so, if you find yourself on center street in provo, drop by.


college kitchen cookbook.

this little creation was my nemesis during finals.  i had to get it done--so i didn't study as much as one might have hoped for.  it was fun though.  the girls in my last ward were really excited about it and it turned out to be a success. thanks alyson for the designs. 


melissa finished a big final on friday, and i couldn't move in to my new apartment until saturday, so we celebrated.  we went to olive garden, watched seinfeld, brothers + sisters, made pancakes from scratch, went shopping, and had our own little tulip festival in the avenues.  what is with salt lake and tulips?! they grow like grass up there. loved it. 

and i love melissa.  she is my nearest and dearest friend.  i moved in my things saturday night, but couldn't resist driving up there today.  i called her a million times to tell her i was on my way, but she didn't answer.  i'll never forget the look on her face when she pulled up and i was sitting on her lawn.  all we did was eat, take a nap, and go to the asian food store.  but i just love her and had so much fun.  i can't wait to see her again. 

dated updates.

i heard about this on the radio. i love carrie.
can't wait to see my best friend's wedding--but reverse. 
then i heard david's studio performance of smokey mountain memories, on the radio. amazing.  i bought it of course. 
and woah--miley. you are crazy


parker graduated! wahoo. graduation is so sad, but so exciting.  we are all so proud of him.  he posted 3 degrees: economics, business, and chemistry. impressive.

what's news is that he and my dear sister kate have decided to move to seattle for the summer.  they have an adventure in mind and i think they'll get it.  i hope there is one for me in store as well--a trip to seattle might be just the ticket. anyone wanting to hitch a ride, let me know. also, i know there are many travelers out there, what's cool to do in seattle?


full circle.

september 23 2007
october 25 2007
december 3 2007
april 21 2008

to you:

yes. i have been avoiding you. accept my apology.  feel no malice toward me.  it will come as no wonder to you that i have been having mixed emotions lately.  i wrapped up finals (55% on econ. thanks to all my supporters.  the rest of them were successful).  and started packing up. 

i burned the inside of my elbow last saturday. on a cookie sheet. both sides of the crook of my arm were scalded; one side from the lip of the sheet, and the other from the bottom.  i filled a mixing bowl with cold water and dunked it for 30 minutes.  even dear friends came by and took a little care of me.  after a week that felt like much longer, it has nearly healed. this burn has consumed my entire self. i have felt so vulnerable this past week. not because of the burn, but like the burn--a most susceptible part of me is exposed.  i do hate goodbyes.  what's hardest is when you aren't the one saying goodbye.  what you have is gone and you have no choice in the matter.  why i've been avoiding you and all i've wanted to say is: i am really sad. 

sad for different reasons than a year ago.  at high school graduation, i was more than happy to be out of there. sure, i've looked back on good times in high school and am glad for my experiences.  but i was sad to be growing up. sad to be letting go of childhood. now, i am not so much sad to not be a child, but scared to be an adult.  adulthood is hard. who knew? letting go and giving things up.  and i have grown so much.  best year of my life--hands down. but i wouldn't so go far as to say i am (un)officially an adult.  i have been official for 8 months now.  i would say though, and i'm sure you'd all agree, 

i am lost. perhaps/probably it's getting old to read my writings of ambiguous feelings. true reflection has devolved into utter confusion and you have been reading the same forsaken story all year.  

choices made tear you from your roots.  roots no matter how deep they run--can they be in more than one place? i've decided to stay in provo, go to byu, for spring term.  i will be here for 7 more weeks, and then return to st. george for a short but satisfying summer.  i just couldn't decide...and then i did.  frankly, i was worried that it would be so much more difficult to be who i am here, there. so i stayed.  of course now that i am moved in and have new roommates and a walk-in closet, i'd rather be in st. george. ugh, i hate me.  oh well--ces't la vie.  to make a poor analogy, those ever-changing trees have bloomed where they are planted.  they have dug their roots deep into the earth because someone planted them there.  but their family and first home, their figurative roots, are probably somewhere far.  bloom where you're planted.  that phrase never had significance to me before today.  it sort of means make the best, right?  make the best of the decision i made. 

everything has come full circle.  time gone by and the leaves are back on the trees. i can believe how unbelievable it is that i've been here an entire school year. 

thinking about leaving home.
getting excited
the night before. 
day one
picking a major. 
i survived winter. 
academic transition to college. 
singing a different tune not so long ago. 
best thing i did all year. 
grass is always greener. 
day last



can you believe people are so kind? it blows me away. i passed a boy who was wearing a shirt that said 'i'd rather be at disneyland.'  this is my disneyland i thought. wierd, i never thought anything would top disneyland. but this is all as wonderful, but it is real. 

my econ final is tomorrow at 7 am.  i am excited for 2 reasons: to be done with the class, and i know more than i thought i did. but definitely not enough. 

happy birthday jon.

wrapping up.

i am fully aware, as are you, of how many pictures i take of mountains and sky. but i can't help it. my heart bursts every time i see them.  i am most definitely a mountains girl. and what's more, i am a sunrise person. (mountains as opposed to ocean. sunrise as opposed to sunsets).

wrapping things up as finals start. i have been having the best + worst days lately.  best in the sense that it sounds like.  best: crazy-wonderful things happening that shouldn't happen. and they are happening to me. 

a short account of the last day of my first 'year' of college:

today could quite possibly be one of the best days of my life. i don't really know why. i woke up to my eldest sisters voice on the telephone. sharing words of comfort and hope to each other. i had a great morning, just getting ready. walking to school, a very favored friend of mine, ashley, asked me if i would like a ride. i politely declined. last day to walk to class from wyview. i'm the sentimental type. i got out my camera and took pictures. thought about my last day of my first 'year' of college. wow. how can this be? it astounds me. i hardly want to spend the day studying. 

i went to my least favorite class, taught by a professor whom i have always thought was an okay guy, but have been really bothered by his ego. dr. kearl, my econ professor, is a genius. he worked on the reagan administration for crying out loud. a wonderful economist and a very good teacher, but i tend to have primal issues with anyone who thinks the word 'smooth' is an onomatopoeia. but he gave an incredible lecture today, on my last day of my first 'year' of college. he is infamous on campus for a fearsome reputation, killer tests (that which he lives up to), and his very last lecture.  normal days the auditorium isn't full; but the last lecture--people from all walks of college come in.  

in all my days of falling at his feet for the fear mongering professor he is, he chose me, on the last day, to volunteer.  the exercise was silly. one person divides $1 in coins and the other person either accepts or declines. $.50 -$.50 mine was divided. and i accepted.  but i did get 3 dimes, 3 nickels, and 5 pennies out of it. 50 cents i will hold for a long time. a strange experiment: one that proves that people are not self-interested.  the only rational division would be $.99 - $.01. and the other person would never accept. 

 his lecture is a conclusion, or a retraction rather.  all semester long he talks about self-interest, that mighty thing which is at the heart of the universe--and indeed all things economics.  he told us that even though he taught us that the world (the economy) is based on self-interested behavior, he was not teaching us that it ought to be the foundation for all the manners and ways.  he spoke of so much economic injustice.  the lottery tickets we all drew when we slid down to this earth are not dealt equally.  in a scenario where the total amount of money on all lottery tickets is $400,000. with 400 people on the earth...i thought the ratio of distributed money should be 1:1. wake up, he told us.  the reality is 9:1. and if you think it is anything less than that, you shouldn't be sitting here. you should be giving your 9 to someone with 1.  i don't claim or even pretend to understand most of it. but it was moving. he was touching. 

he spoke of other things.  that education should not be easy. he 'puzzles' at the fact that students want easy classes. students should expect professors to expect the very best of them. i full-heartedly agree, although i was a little sheepish. dumbfounded.  i haven't worked that hard at this class; most definitely i will not bypass any price or punishment--but how much have i wasted? how much have i taken for granted?  education, he told us, is a marathon.  you don't train for it in a day.  he 'puzzles' at the annual commencement celebration, where byu honors the youngest graduate each year.  this is a sign, he said, that this person made poor choices.  they did not in any way get the best education they could.  an education shouldn't be raced through. 

in addition, a university education is not job training. why, he asked us, were we all so eager to get out of college?  it's no secret that you work your whole life.  college are the best years. and it doesn't get easier, nor less busy.  dr. kearl urged us to fall in love with ideas. he read keynes to us: "ideas shape the course of history." it was brilliant.  

i sat in the front every tuesday and thursday.  during his lectures, he would often look me in the eye.  me knowing all along that he could see right into my brain and see pure emptiness. maybe a song, or just happiness in general. (on some days--misery from being in econ for an hour and half.) we never spoke, though i often wished it.  i had in the past declared my dislike for him.  but i guess i stand somewhat corrected.  he is a cool guy. and i feel like he knows me. we've never shared words, but i feel like he knows me.

i wish you could have been there.  and felt as small as i did.  but more than small, felt prompted and pushed to be something. 

i had a 4-page article due for my news writing class today.  i had surely procrastinated the day of my assignment, and was scrounging everything i could to get it done.  the worst part was we were required to interview students, teachers, professors, etc.  i e-mailed my prospects with hope, but still much doubt.  i stopped by my future boss's office to check if she received the e-mail. she had already replied and sent it back to me. what a sweetheart. i was able to attend the unforum, the tuesday devotional where the byu 2007-2008 school year was celebrated by honoring ordinary individuals who 'redefined service.' it too was touching.  afterward, i wandered around the political science halls to find some interviewees.  out to lunch.  my lucky day: 2 out of 3 e-mailed me back.  it is still hard for me to believe that men with phds, in their prime, with research and papers and classes and departments and theories of their own, would take the time to help me.  help. but they would.  i was about to e-mail my old ta (whom i've written about before). to ask him so questions for the interview.  i opened up my macbook and who walks by but Will himself. 

that was only about half my day.  the other half--i was writing my article.  and also awe-ing at the warm and sunny day turned snowstorm. but it was a good day. 

it was not a worst day in the most obvious sense.  it just had potential to be a worst.  information that held potential treasure or possible poison beyond description.  i called my mom. wise words of course:

best days always come when things are wrapping up. 

ugh. i don't want things to wrap up. i am though. i am doing the wrapping.  but if they weren't would i want them to? my roommates are very...different than me. in more ways than one, but the one i am speaking of is that they just push ahead.  i never see them reflect on the past, or be reluctant to give up the present.  they are oriented with the future. i am so not like that. i am nearly eternally obsessed + preoccupied + held captive by + tormented by + completely taken over by tearing myself between what i have now and what i used to have. worrying about not having either of those in the future. 


kennedy center at the clark building.

i first came into the clark building for my biology 100 lab. but i keep going back for entirely different reasons.  this is the house for the kennedy center of international studies--a place i wish to spend a lot of time.  or rather, not a lot of time. since it is the center for study abroad, field studies, and other foreign adventures.  it is definitely among  the most aware places on campus. 
i study here a lot.  no one really knows about it, so there is always an empty seat.  it is also located in a traffic area for professors, so you get to hear them talk.  there is also a tv on the above wall where the news is always playing. 
i love how it says 'planet earth.' 
field studies, foreign internship, study abroad information. oh my. 
this is the bathroom.  i don't know if it's allowed to take pictures of public restrooms and then post them on the world wide web.  but this little, nearly disgusting, but oh so comfortable and secluded chaise lounge in the bathroom of the clark building is where i have taken many an undisturbed nap. they have those air puffer things so it smells good too. and you have to love the decor--check out the shelf.
one of the greatest on-campus functions of the kennedy center is providing lectures with great speakers (usually foreign ambassadors, authors, journalists, activists, etc.)

i love this play on the phrase 'the world is our campus.' that's sort of what the kennedy center is all about...going beyond the byu world. the new york times is distributed here. for free!
kennedy center photo contest first prize winner. 'begging child in cambodia' 

birds eye.

i have always had a fear of heights. nothing so strong to stop me from roller coasters or tall buildings. but the tallest building i've been in is here, in the swkt (spencer w. kimball tower). in all its 11-story glory, i still get a little lightheaded looking out these windows. but a change of perspective is never unnecessary. to see my pathways from the view of the birds who fly above me. or rather, my professors whose offices fill these windowed hallways.


look what i found wandering down the stairs.  i can't believe people are so incredibly nice. really. the note read (something to effect of) : "this surprise is for whoever finds it. good luck with finals. have a great day." so on + so forth.  can you believe things like this actually happen?  i spent much of my day being awakened internally to the problems of the world, and the problems with myself.   a more portion was filled with resolutions to fix the problems with the world, and the problems with myself.  but the latter part of my day was thinking how incredibly blessed i am.  who does this? really. 

last night, a friend who i'd told months ago that i'd misplaced my headphones knocked on my door, handed me brand new head phones and said 'here you go.' matter of fact. 

bouquets of pens + pencils.

heaven on earth.  the basement of the byu bookstore is an amazing place.  it is a sweet and plentiful feast for pen + pencil lovers alike.  i spend hours and money down there like it is my purpose.  my favorite purchases have been: .3 mm mechanical pencils, ice-cream colored pin striped highlighters, pilot bp-s fine ball point pens, pilot precise v7 fine rolling ball pen, etc. this sector of the universe makes me feel good about being alive. more importantly, makes me excited to be using them. school supplies.  i hope there is never a time when i don't need/want/buy them. 

wet paint.

blue blue sky. 

wet paint on my every day walk to campus yesterday. cute signs. 


if i only had a brain.

just this morning, as i made my last venture up helaman hill, i heard a voice to the right of me, where construction is taking place.  

"if i only had a brain, i would go to school..." a man with a hammer was singing very loudly to that familiar tune of the tinman. and doing so quite well i must say. 

i looked up at him and grinned.  he laughed.

"you like that?" he shouted and continued to work as i continued to walk. 

"stay in school!"


who am i.

as i gazed between those two mountain-peaks, i had an overwhelming desire to climb right through that passage.  it looked so hike-able.  of course, the desire was not so overwhelming that i actually did go for a hike, but i enjoyed my saturday-morning walk to school, camera in hand.  

megan came to p-town on saturday, and went home this evening.  i tried earnestly to 'show her a good time'...but my efforts were in vain.  all the fun times i've had recently have been in st. george.  i was so glad for her to be here.  so incredibly glad.  i knew she would understand, wouldn't care, and may even be grateful not to have extensive, big-university life, crazy-fun plans...but i still had this desire to take her to some sort of party or gathering or event...that i hardly ever go to myself.  of course, though, my plans were shy of anything collegiately spectacular.  and we ate oreos and watched you've got mail. what i'm most grateful is that someone besides me lived in my house (with my roommates) for a day.  empathy. 

church was fun, though.  2nd to last sunday.  meg got see my wonderful ward.  it was strange.  all i've been thinking recently is going home, going home, going home.  but having megan here, she kept finding the beauty for me.  the mountains, and the people.  i started to feel very sad.  i knew. just knew. i would feel this way when it was time to leave.  i love school and all, but after this semester, i am not going to miss my academic life. but my ward. what i will miss is my ward. i love my ward.  summers in college aren't quite like summers in high school.  in high school,  pick up right where you left off.  fall picks up like a bookmark where you last read in spring.  in college, when you return after 3 months of vacation, it's a whole new world every time.   i think that's something really neat, you get to meet 4 times as many people.  and why shouldn't you in a place so big and grand, full of so many people?  

i do know that i love my ward.  the byu 50th ward. since the beginning i've thought it was an exceptional ward.  i remember trying to convey to a friend so earnestly one of the first weeks of fall semester, 'i just think we lucked out.  we could have gotten stuck with something and someones very different than what we got.  i just love our ward.' i told him, eventually.  i know it wasn't like that for everyone. some people don't inject themselves.  probably for a lot of weeks, that was me.  but the weeks i have been here, i just love.

  i don't think it is at all uncommon for 18-year-olds to feel this way, but getting to know you is a phenomenon.  it's like a young adult pastime: getting to know someone(s), getting to like them, getting to hope they like you.  i breathe an inward laugh. a result of total self-inclination, self-discovery, and self-pity.  haven't you noticed, suddenly i'm bright and breezy?  suddenly, being the key word here.  i love them. i'm getting to know them. we fit. and it's all going away.  i'm leaving. sound familiar? the worst (or is it better?) part is, i don't have a choice. even if i chose to stay, they would all be gone.  

i would say the trick is is to enjoy the moment while you're in it.  which i do.  it is true that sometimes i am anxious to be where i'm not, but i have fun.  i enjoy.  i love people, and not just because i'm leaving.  i loved them before i was leaving.  i guess--not seeing people again--gives me a true apprehension of the future.  if i know i will see them tomorrow, chances are, i won't skip out on studying to be with them today.  if i know we will stay in touch, chances are, i will move to provo and leave them in st. george.  if i know i will see them next year, i might move to st. george for the summer. but if there is a chance i might not see them for two years. or ever again. my world has a tiny little come apart. my mind races, and i come here. to write it all out. 

my problem is, i want the best of both worlds.  both lawns are so green--one no more so than the other---so why should i sit on just one?  i love who i am at home. i do.  it is the me who i've always known. the person i grew up with, the person i make decisions with.  it is the me who cries and asks questions. the me who plays the violin, and knows little children.  it is the me who crafts and drives a car. but i love who i am here. it is the me who is independent and daring.  i would equate the college me with the girls camp me. a lot of really fun shouting, but a lot of inside looking.  it is the who is pensive, who thinks and writes.  who has a blog. it is the me who prays and serves.  the me who takes pictures and walks on sidewalks + crosswalks.  they are not 2 different people, but they are 2 different versions of 1 person--me.  so as i return home, i must ask myself, who am i? 

(a side-note: at first i would expect me to be the only one who knows both versions of me, but i feel like my parents know both.  they know who i always have been and who i will become.  it's like they see the diamond underneath... i am so grateful to my parents.  i am a complete creation of their livelihood, lives, lifestyle.  a fact i would not change.)


saturday morning einsteins.



we never had such luxurious games when i was little, i told them.  this  fact allowed me no mercy.  who knew sorry was such a brutal game? you have to be a big person not to get offended!

thanks to meredith, einsteins has become a new 50th ward trend.  steven, parker, jacob, and i headed down center street on saturday morning to soak in the goodness.  i got egg + cheese on honey whole wheat.  next time i'm getting egg + cheese on cinnamon sugar.  doesn't that sound good? we played sorry.  enough said.  

i'm loving the mornings so much.  i am glad i have classes in the morning because i love the morning.  but i am contemplating having more of the morning to myself--essentially giving less of them (my mornings) to power points and notebooks inside dark auditoriums.  i hope this summer is filled with delightful mornings.  perhaps my generation overestimates the value of a morning.  i certainly will not. for another day.  

los hermanos.

los hermanos: center street + university avenue. 
walls of windows--delightful atmosphere.  go at sunset. 

delicious tamale. 

los hermanos: cute mexican place megan + i tried when she came to town this weekend.  on center street and university avenue.  

nice thing phase 3

my third and final nice deed. for shaliendra.  can't go wrong with balloons. i love the nice thing program. 


i'm finding.

photo from yho

sad to be missing the ultimate throwdown.  i would totally win. 
looking forward to this and this. (if you want tickets, i have the hook-ups)
want so badly to roam through these gardens
loved reading the new pulitzers. well said


decades of music.

today in my communications 101 class, we studied music recordings.  my professor, dr. rawlins is a super cool guy.  the more i hear from him, the more i like him.  he chose to lecture on each decade of music generations, starting with the 1950s.

1950s - elvis presley walked into sam philips recording studio and made an album for about $3.  nothing spectacular happened until the mics were turned off and elvis and his band started playing around with 'that's all right, mama.' we watched a clip from the ed sullivan show, where he would sing a line, and then for a measure of music, just shake those legs.  the girls went wild.  seriously, the screaming is horrendous.  it was so funny.  i know i have heard it a thousand times before that it was a huge uproar that elvis moved his hips, and his dancing was of the devil.  but it just hit me funny tonight--that time was so simple. 

1960s - i thought i would get a little taste of my parents generation here, but wasn't quite sure when it would come.  the beatles were seriously the best.  they are so loved among everyone.  even today,  i don't feel like it's just a fad to like the beatles, but that they are truly beloved.  they give me the chills of nostalgia whenever i hear them.  

1970s -  this was the time i was excited for.  james taylor--the epitome of my youth.  growing up on mostly classical,  i loved the times when my dad would loosen up and put james taylor or simon & garfunkel on. what struck me is that kiss, saturday night fever, james taylor, jackson 5 etc. all existed in that time period. they were all so different.  

dr. rawlins is still very attached to rock n' roll. he mentioned several times that the 70s, full of disco inferno (the song he met his wife to at a stake dance!), were a nightmare for a rocker of the 60s.  you can tell it has still stuck with him. 

1980s - as we started to get into the 80s, my excitement was heightening. video killed the radio star.   as proud as i am that i was born in the 80s (4 months shy of being otherwise)--i was so happy when it was...

1990s - cheryl crow, spice girls, chumbawamba, and pearl jam blasted through our classroom auditorium and i, along with my 100 or so fellow students were on cloud 9.  it felt so good to collectively reminisce the songs we never experienced with each other, but totally together.

the 21st century, we decided, is anybody's game.  so many indies, american idol, and itunes makes the world of difference.  i don't know that much about music throughout the decades, but i was sure happy to be in class today.  to be able to revert back to a time when life was a bit simpler. ya know. 


his turn.

photo by jimmy bishop

the boy is engaged. my brother, to jennifer bowler.  couldn't be happier for the two of them.  sorry to say that their courtship has taken place in st. george, and while i visit frequently on the weekends, jenn works in the pediatric unit every weekend.  unfortunately, no pictures.  though i feel i know her pretty well.  more to be announced. 


see ya in 2 matt. enjoy spain. 


spring weekend.

high school friends : karly. takael. me. kimber. whitney. megan. carly. ali. 
friendship bracelet. tight. 
jon. big night up on the rooftop. 
april 6 : happy birthday to the church
meg + trev at denny's. 
in-n-out in st. george! palm trees and all. 

after much debate, i decided to go to st. george for the weekend.  got a ride with takael, whitney, and erica.  it was delightful. glad to see matt one last time. 

general conference is perhaps one of the most treasured weekends we can experience.  am very grateful.  also edifying was whitney's baptism.  so proud of her for searching.   for herself.

tent sale.

tent sale outside the tanner building


next project.