am loving:

this blog of note.
this t-shirt site.
this sale.
this book.
and this lovely couple.


to you.

the merriest of christmas's to you from me.

what will 2008 bring?



cleaning check.

ghost town.

can't help but be a bit spooked. this place is a ghost town. everyone has gone home. my roommates somehow finagled me into being the last one here.

can't contain my eagerness combined with nerves. i have my honors philosophy 201 final tomorrow. we have to do an extensive and comprehensive essay on what we've learned this semester (and that's just part of the test). oy veh.

can't stop listening to this. paul simon meets the shins equates to pure bliss.

can't preclude my thoughts of going home. it's so strange. i did not want to come here. i wanted to stay home. it was too hard to be alone, and on my own. too difficult to leave behind childhood + dependency + home + late blooming. but now that i'm here {you all told me it would happen this way. you were right.}, i don't know how i feel about leaving. and i know i'm only leaving for 2 weeks, only to come back and run the whole exhausting + competitive routine all over again. and it's not that i don't want to be home. i do more than anything. i love home....truth be told, the real thing that initiated these thoughts is the huge amount of luggage i'm taking home. i loaded up my brother's car on wednesday. and am about to load up another. will i need my pots? my pans? surely i will need more than half my wardrobe. i don't know why i feel so weird and nostalgic about leaving this place that isn't my home. i think that is why i'm struggling. i do feel like it's home.

can't decide if i'm sorry peter. i am totally pulling a wendy on you. i waited for you. but you never came back.

can't wait for the wedding. can wait to let go of the sister forever. i love you girl.


what christmas means to me #8

this seems to be a popular theme this year. and why shouldn't it be? julie andrews said it best. brown paper packages tied up with string must be the favorite of everyone. if you have even so much as heard the words 'a few of my favorite things...' you are compelled to love them.

my gift-recipients did. gift-giving is definitely my language of love. i love it. love love love it. hard to do on a college-try budget. but that will surely not stop me.

thank you marta for these wonderfuls. too bad they are sold out. but all the luckies + smarties + i will go tag-happy in our wrapping this year.


a public request.

a really good-looking guy in the library to his wife or someone to that effect, shouting on the phone in the library on the wednesday of finals:

"are you going to get food because i don't want to leave here until i'm done. chocolate milk and cinnamon and brown sugar pop tarts? thanks."

mr. polo-ralph lauren with strong calogne sitting across from me looks at him and disgust

i access all the power in me not to laugh my head off.

what christmas means to me #7

the view from here.

i love finals week. i am having fun studying and not studying. i feel like i have time to procrastinate. we'll see when semester grades post in january.

but i feel finished. i feel like i have worked hard and played hard and that my semester is over. i know i express to my loved ones on a personal basis how much i absolutely love college, but i don't know if i've ever sent it out to the vast unknown. i feel like my life is headed somewhere. directional worth is everything to me. i've talked a lot this semester about not having a plan. not knowing comes next. so these short months have been a time to forget the future and embrace the path i am on right now. and while doing so, i have found that the path i was walking was not so dark after all, and i stop and look at things i want to look at. and i forge head not only with a map, not only with a plan, and not only with direction, but with excitement. i wish i could run to what i anticipate.

my sometimes loss of identity is still present, but i feel that i can look back to who i was and remember, in order to formulate who i am now.

a talent.

freshman ward talent show about 2 weeks ago. my organized talent involved:

10 people
one toothbrush
one cup
lots of spit
9 brave brushers
1 daring drinker



ooo. more good news! hip hip for rachel. i love you girl. another beauty on the way. i am so incredibly happy for you that i just can't resist posting.



congratulations to jordan. anyone with access to the internet has been waiting for this day. just wanted to say hip hip for a darling december babe named moses. 121 comments. hmm. if i had a dime.

hustle + bustle

am compelled to adore free wrapping + live carols on the piano + marble floors + a merry christmas to my associate + escalator riding + rushing to find the last scarf and meet my fated love as kate beckinsale + john cusack do on christmas eve

at nordstrom.

what christmas means to me #6

christmas dinner at no. 254
i proudly cooked pasta + popped the champagne while kristi tossed a salad and allison shaked + baked.



i overheard someone relaying this story of a conversation they had with their roommate.

hunter: hey ramsy, can you come in here for a minute?
ramsy: sure
hunter: can you be quiet? i'm trying to sleep.
ramsy: sure thing.

5 minutes later

ramsy comes into hunter's room wearing a sheep costume and says:

here, why don't you count how many of me there is to help you go to sleep.



it's good to be back.

i've been spending what time i should be studying (or blogging for that matter) over here, trying to do christmas shopping since i will be less than successful when i arrive home on christmas eve eve eve. {saturday's busy. sunday's no good. and so any last minute gifts will be left to christmas eve. but hey? what else do i have to do?} love the gift guides. especially one's from marta.

am excited to get away from school. but as terrible as it sounds, get away from social angst. i just get weird. blooming isn't so much fun i don't think. what do you say? most days i feel like i'm back at dixie middle school, just trying to fit in. just trying to not be so..awk awk awk.

so it would be an understatement to say i am counting the days. until i can be comfortable. and myself. and where i can laugh. and spend time. and do little else besides nothing. and be home.

wishes of joy to a dear friend who will be in montreal, canada for the next two. destiny in a mailbox.

formal enrichment meeting tonight. whew. forgot my camera {how could i? i seem to capture everything but what should be documented.} but what a relief to have it done. love to plan. hate to stress. everything went splendidly. we made darling tiles with vinyl letters for the holidays + more. also a quilt for a ward member. lovely + talented girls make an evening just sort of.. come together. thank you all.

finals finals finals. what a word. like i said...

good to be back.

the mill.

a certain someone with certain hook-ups took me on a tour of lehi roller mills. it was so fun. i wish it would have been in the daytime for picture's sake. it was beautiful in its own industrial way. it was so old + tall + floury + pastel. simply charming to say the least.

kevin bacon once stood here. everybody cut loose!

what christmas means to me #5

i love this cd. has definitely taken me a couple years to love it as much as i do. it's kind of different and really fun. you'll like it i think.

sale away.

i wish these sails were on sale. i love love love it. mmm. anyone have an extra $75 they're not using so i can have my very own recycled sail-boat bag.



i'm trying here. i wish there was a better word for stress than 'stress.' i feel like it's overused. or underestimated.

i am in rapid alternation between sheer trepidation and propitiousness. i used to go through weeks when i would be fine. then the next week i would be panicked. it shrunk down to alternating days. now i am in moments. honestly moments. an oh so wise mother reminded me that the chance of a good outcome, a promise of hope is


i almost immediately collapse into doubt. so. keep on trying.

so let's you and me make a deal. don't check back here until...friday morning. and i promise to have something wonderful. i wish i could spend each thought and each capture and each experience here with you. but for now, i must pass it by. i must remain hopeful amid my ominous sky of proving myself.

joni mitchell + meet me in st. louis + warm weather + relief + wondrous gift giving + 3 movies a day with meg + an exciting wedding+ all of you await me. but not till day 21.




if you can't tell, this is a photo taken through our door's peep-hole. there is a someone covered in blankets on our doorstep.

ran into the heart-warming lori + lucy yesterday on my way home.

the rha kids were giving out hot chocolate just to cozy me up. how snug.

classic skating + a talent show + star wars party + more irrational behavior i will most definitely post about later.

plans to go to the library today shot down when i woke up to a blizzard. have a fabulous weekend holed up in your house.


my advent calendar.

beautiful advent calendars here + here + here + here + everywhere.

want to see mine? how fun. blech.

i suppose i could put darling little boxes on my wall. i would open one each day. but everyday it would say the same thing: give it the old college try.


{bombay} shower.

fun shower for kate put on by charlene at the bombay house. i just love personal get-togethers. laid back and plainly splendid.

old friends + new friends. freshman roommates + current roommates. sister + sisters-in-law. thanks char. lots of lingerie and delicious food too.


my backpack contains my entire world. which doesn't make greater my backpack. but smaller my world. a fact i am perfectly content with.

my books are my world. they are the consumption of everything i currently live for. philsophy: ancient + medieval. a city on a hill. a guide to the natural world. bom. i am nearly but not quite embarrassed to say that i will have a hard time selling them back. i may keep some. my 8 or so textbooks symbolize how much i am learning here. i have read almost every page in every one. but it also indicates how far i have to go.

my macbook. my connection to you. hip hip! my incessant typing and fretting over how to clean it. the ultimate source of procrastinaton. i am so dependent on it. its battery life is so long and its possibilities so endless.

my glasses. who knew i had bad vision? my squinting days are way over.

my camera. days i forget to take my camera i feel hopeless. i have to rely on my memory alone to remember all that is beautiful. the phrase just in case rings through my mind in every shuffling footstep i take as i crawl out of bed and out into the world. what if i happen to see cecil o? or tony hawk? or reese witherspoon? {i've never actually seen a celebrity but something in me always tells me i will that day.} and what if i don't remember the way the light shone passed the statue that moment, or if i forget that i could see myself in the branches, reflected in a puddle on the ground. i experience these things only for a little while. but if i preserve them they will warm my collection of recollections forever.

my wallet. i had no idea how much i would use my 'signature card' until i needed to use my signature card so much. i made the mistake of putting it in the clear plastic window of my wallet. making a huge fool of myself, i tried and tried to get it out to swipe at the bookstore, but they finally had to type in my number. how embarrassing. i had to unwedge it out with pliers.

folded daily universe + little fliers + keys + a shortage of pens + pencils + ipod + earphones + miscellaneous.


self discovery: 05

college, it seems, is a time where irrational behavior is more the rule than the exception.

philosophers are obsessed with reason. these philosophical maxims ring through my semester: reason as king. ration reigns. to war against reason is to war against yourself.

i fear, though, that i have become susceptible to irrationality. not all the time. but just sometimes, i forget ration. i become drunk with the air around me and forget to...think. and what is more frustrating than trying to be reasonable and grounded amid a majority of smart, yet illogically-behaving people. do i have any other choice but to suppress my brain and succumb to that other source which causes me to behave like a lunatic?

are rationality and sociality synonyms or antonyms?

what christmas means to me #4

i suppose the easier you adapt, the better you survive. so this year, christmas means to me what it means to byu. this lovely tree {just being put up and trimmed} in the middle of brigham square.


my microcosm america

had to do a citizenship project in american heritage. here is the end result. {wish i had a picture, but it's against the rules.}

going twice a week to sunset view elementary's after-school program, i volunteered in kindergarten and first grade. the student-run program was already equipped; they didn’t need volunteers in the small classes. most days i spent simply sitting with the students. other days i passed out crayons or perhaps read a story. but what i learned was far more valuable than playing an authoritative role in the program. the classrooms where i spent just 2 hours a week, a mere 15 hours for the semester, encapsulated what it means to be an american. it seems the roof over sunset view elementary is indeed big enough for every child to feel comfortable.

each student received a piece of paper that said "I AM SPECIAL," with instructions to draw a self-portrait. as i passed out handfuls of crayons, i gathered an assortment of colors to better fulfill the creativity needs of the kids. in my naiveté, i was careful to include a peach in each bundle. i didn't even look up until a certain request repeated several times in my ears: "i need a brown!" not only was i extremely callow and unaware, but there was also only one brown crayon in the entire classroom. miss smith, the teacher, and i laughed as i mentioned it. the class population of hispanics, nearly 75%, would have to share one brown crayon to properly draw a picture of them. it was an eye-opener to me. i realized that simply because i grew up using a peach-colored crayon to draw myself, doesn't constitute peach as the color of skin for everyone in america, nor everyone in a tiny classroom in provo, utah. blonde-haired, blue-eyed elleny, who was determined to draw herself in a belly-button-revealing shirt, thought nothing of sitting next to emmy, who insisted on a brown crayon, not a black or orange one.

later, samantha called me over for help. she asked me to help her write, "when I grow up i want to go to BYU." this simple sentence embodies american ideology that all children can do precisely whatever they set their mind to. even though the after school program only accepts students who need extra academic help, samantha has just as much chance as the next applicant to get into the school of her dreams.

after all the kids were gone one day, a group of teachers and I were talking. they all came to a consensus that salbador and drake were a most unexpected pair of best friends. i smiled and wondered why that is. it may be unexpected because salbador is hispanic and drake is white, or perhaps it’s because salbador is sweet and sensitive, while drake is strong and assertive. but i don’t think their friendship is unlikely at all; it makes perfect sense. because each time the tears well up in Salbador's eyes because he cannot draw the tic-tac-toe game, drake patiently shows him how and says, "see! it's easy." to them, they have no differences, only friendship.

the week before thanksgiving break, asking the kindergarteners their favorite thanksgiving food, i shouldn’t have been surprised to hear "quesadillas!" as ana's. it was the ultimate manifestation of hector st. jean de crevecouer's 'new race of men'---where individuals of all nations are melted together to create a unique product. my experience volunteering with TOPS was representative of america as a whole. american ideology, combined with the variety of races, cultures, and skin colors provides a roof wide enough to cover all these children. my experience allowed me to observe a microcosm that embodied American ideals, culture, and people.

with an 'e'

i just found this little ditty. i love my little hall adviser.


what christmas means to me #3

i have had a hunkering for orange rolls ever since i started eating oranges and the smell lingered on my hands. i made them last friday. not only do they mean utterly christmas to me. but this particular instance signifies my loser-hood. ha. a visitor for my absent roommate said to me as i opened the door, "you seem to answer the door a lot." gee, thanks.

winter's lessons.

on saturday, december 1st, i think all in northern utah were awakened to winter's beauty. i was awe-struck as i stepped out into this white wonderland. i felt so befriended by its charming purity.

i had an experience on this december day that i don't think i'll ever forget. even though i may wish to at times. but i learned some important lessons.

01. life is not as urgent as we make it. we live in a world where the show must go on. but i don't think it is a shame to just stay. let go for a day.

02. life is fragile. and is always fatal. but the phenomenon lies in timing. when will my life end up being fatal? when will it end? not today.

03. i am indebted to the great marvel that is humankind. the miracle that is humankindness. so kind. thank you. in a moment where i was so helpless, {someone} put my needs directly in front of theirs. more than one {someone} did all they could and all it took to put me at ease. to aid me. to help me when i couldn't help myself. to empower me after times of powerlessness. thank you.

04. i hope i can be independent enough. able enough to help someone in as dire need as i was. i hope i am willing enough.

when i woke up on saturday morning, i was sure winter and i had reconciled our differences. positive we would be friends. but by the end of the day, for me at least, it proved to be more foe than friend. we may have several more dtr's by spring. only time will tell.


blogger + mac have reconciled their differences! what a relief. this war has been too long. too long. thank you. i can hyperlink and italicize and do anything i want. hooray!

postscript: i do love my mac. and i don't know what the happenings were, but i can now do whatever i want on my lovely little white. and also. i am at the library using a pc now. blech. my blog is so much better from a mac.