3.02.2008

self discovery: 08

i am the youngest. who knew? i am discovering that more than ever that i was the 'baby' of the family. i don't have any other perspective, really. so i'm sorry if this annoys you; no doubt it will reassure all your suspicions--you weren't that paranoid raising your younger siblings, they are younger than you. it is all i've ever known--but i think i've realized that now because i'm seeing myself through so many other eyes. for a lot of reasons.
i need to be taken care of. this semester was so apparently different than my first semester because my brother and sister weren't so available or conveniently present to take care of me. i didn't realize it last fall, but any time i was feeling alone or discouraged, i just called on them.

more and more i am discovering that i love to be taken care of. maybe not need to. but i just bask in it. i don't really know how to explain it. there are a million instances, though, where i have been taken care of. last week, after being discouraged about economics for some time, i thought--gee if i were in high school, all this complaining would get me somewhere. i flashbacked to ap calculus. mr. green would always grudgingly encourage me to work hard and be optimistic. take the test. you'll be fine. just as i'm reminiscing in the lab, my favorite econ ta pulls me aside and says 'hey, you need to leave. you've been here for way too long...' i completely ate it up. this ta is older and married and has a child. i so appreciated that someone cared.

whether it is rescuing me from the middle of the highway, giving me interview advice, rushing me to and from st. george, etc., i feel that i could not survive without what others are reaching out to hand me.

i wish i had something to offer.

2 comments:

Ariel said...

I feel the exact same way and I'm the OLDEST. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't have someone to model my life after so I feel like such a naive baby. Plus no one in my family has the gospel in their lives except me so maybe it has to do with me feeling unsupported. We can take care of each other Ame, haha just teasin.

Anonymous said...

Don't you ever EVER say you do't have something to offer! Look at all you've written in your blog, the uplifting messages you have put out there, just as (whoever it was) said you should use blogs to do.. spread the "good news", the service motivation, the sweet feelings of family and appreciation. You do so much, every day, just by pointing to the beauty, reminding us to look, to touch, to reach out.. you are amazing, you offer SO Much to so many, you are so loving and so loved.