self discovery: 10

what i think of as an out-of-body experience is when you find yourself in a situation that you thought you could never possibly be in. that perhaps, someone else would, has, or should experience--but you never dreamed of being in a certain scenario.

i am a daydreamer, and a night-dreamer, and a dreamer in general. i have imagined myself in a lot of situations. and no doubt when i arrive at those situations i am just as indecisive as if i would never have prepared myself for them, but i am, nonetheless, prepared. i've had practice being in that mental state. for instance, on saturday night, in st. george, the gang decided at 11:30 pm that we should drive to mesquite to go cosmic bowling. bright idea, no? no. stupid idea. but it was a situation i have pictured myself in. i was familiar with the mental state, even though i had no idea what decision to make regarding whether to go to mesquite or not. in reality, i probably made the wrong decision and were i to experience it again, i would make a different one. but needless to reiterate, i was mentally prepared.

sunday afternoon, i was put in a situation in which i've read accounts of many times, witnessed happening to my own siblings, and probably even dreamed about. ironically, however, i was unequipped with that familiarity that i so often acquire through my 'putting myself in that situation ahead of time'.

i've read pride and prejudice many times. but on sunday, i experienced it. now i would never compare my mother's own caliber with that of the horrific mrs. bennett, but a conniving deed she did to me. and on mother's day! as i was cutting butter into my dry-ingredient biscuit mixture, a knock on the door. 'who could that be?' my mom said. her 4 most dishonest words. of course in walks brian with an i. with a book his mom wanted my mom to read. he had a seat. and then talked for an hour. i couldn't believe what was happening.

my dad came in and said 'what's this book?' of course my mom had no idea. there was no need for brian with an i to bring it over. she made something up about books and friends, and then quickly ushered my dad out of the room, leaving brian with an i and myself, alone. my face got really hot and i started sweating and i wanted to cry but i had to smile down at my unmade biscuits. what else could i do, but carry on a relentless conversation while making biscuits.

it ended eventually. as soon as the door shut, i shoved my mom. half-laughed half-cried, while she acted oh-so-innocent. how could she? i was horrendously upset for many reasons. brian with an i used to teach my sunday school class. when i was 14. how embarrassing! i pray he doesn't remember that. of course, when he taught my sunday school class, i had a crush on him. the other girls and i would giggle and talk about him. we were disappointed when we found out he was engaged--and heartbroken when we found out the wedding date was on my birthday. "destiny!" my 14-year-old heart whispered emphatically. we were all the more astounded when we found out the wedding was off. but, soon to be forgotten and replaced with the next teacher or priest who moved in to the ward. until that mother's day when he walked into my parents' kitchen, wearing white socks and carrying a blue novel entitled green dolphin street.

you will not disagree this would be a lovely story to tell at our wedding, or perhaps break into a song at the rehearsal brunch (you know i entertained the thought for more than a minute),

the most important reason i shouted in a whiny and high pitched but laughing voice at my parents was i'm 18! while he has impressive credentials and was the boy of my dreams, i am a child. when usually i am certain to tell of my newly acquired sophomore status, i was more than happy to say, 'freshman' more than once. really happy. so, no mrs. bennett. i am a baby.

i am discovering, i am 18.