no, I have been spending my late nights musing on not the following day, but on all the days to come. thinking about me. I have these lists in my mind: things I have done, things I am doing, things I need to do, things I want to do. the former two haven't given me much to work with. and the latter two are becoming fuzzy as I entertain the thoughts and question, do I know myself at all? what I mean by this--there was a time not long ago when I was certain I was going to get married very young. I don't even have a remote preference on this matter, let alone have any form of certainty upon what the future holds. but I was certain. there was also a time when I was certain I was going to do things to change the world, help people. I wonder, though, if I must trade in such sophomoric ideals for levelheaded career outlooks. or just sheer laziness and lost time. the question that overcasts my sky of thoughts tonight is not will I reach my potential, but remains, what is my potential?
tonight, I am certain that I have taken everything St. George has to offer me. I miss those blue mountains. when I am near those blue and vegetated mountains, I'm arrogantly proud of the red and rocky ones which currently adorn my view. but I don't recall missing them as I do those blue, snow-capped. I love blue. my summer in St. George has been so meaningless to me. how can it be? what I am now hoping to be my last summer at home was supposed to be memorable. but I have associated St. George exclusively with home. with childhood. with my mom. perhaps it is so with childhood. but since I have decided to bloom where I'm planted, St. George cannot be the only place I call home. and I may not always have St. George, but I will always have my mom.
and as I lounge through my summer days, in between a term and a semester, I hope I find a way to crawl inside of me again. to be myself and get something worth doing done. I'm having a hard time materializing the something that's worth doing. regardless, it's time I gave something the old college try. because summer has found me a foreigner to hard work and happy plans. I long for the day when me and myself say sorry and make up, then reunite like old friends always do.
"be not simply good; be good for something."
- Henry David Thoreau