open book: lessons learned

dear reader:
i've been holding out on you.

you know when you have something you need to tell someone, but you don't know exactly how? or just waiting for the right time. and then you end up saying something casual and indifferent like, 'did i ever tell you?' or 'oh i've been meaning to tell you...' and you and your friend are absolutely certain you never told him or her. nor did you ever mean to until this very moment. but because your friend knows you (so well that he or she not only knew you were holding something back, but also that it is really hard for you to say what you're about to say) he or she just says something unassuming like, 'i don't think you told me...that is so exciting!' or a phrase with a similar effect. leaving you feeling so relieved. so glad you told them.

it's not a secret or anything. i'm not hiding it. and i'm not really 'waiting until you're primed' either. it's just something that is hard for me to tell you. something i want to tell you.

my last two weeks in provo (june 9 - june 20) i was in a small, tiny, itty-bitty, little relationship. if you can even call it that. i cringe at the tainted and loaded word. i really do. but that's what i would call it, and perhaps you all can help me come up with something better. but. i met him a while ago and had a small school girl crush. one crush that happened to 'work out' as it were.

leaving out the mushy then gory details--if i've been speaking of new experiences lately, this was it. so much to learn. so so much. so. in 2 short weeks. things i've learned:

i am an individual.

this was my first go at-- what we are for the time being calling-- a relationship. for a number of reasons but mainly because i am an individual. i am me and always have been. strong and independent of others--willing to be on my own. to be completely frank, i have always looked down on people (girls) who were in relationships. mostly ones that seem to simply jump from one to the next, but still. i had little admiration for people (girls) who couldn't spare a day without a boyfriend. out of all the things that says about me, the only good thing is that i have always valued individuality above all else. and at the drop of a hat when mr.anyone comes along, i succumb. submit. it's just so...opposite from who i've been in the past. something i can't really wrap my head around.

i've been so cautious in the past. i have never done much without thinking a lot beforehand. maybe it's the spring air in provo or the lifelessness of my at-the-time life, but the whole thing was thoughtless. swept. propelled. adjectives that replaced my usual cautious. thoughtful. i don't know if i have been found without defense--caught off guard. or if my defenses were too weak. i let my own guard down under the circumstances. all in all i wasn't vigilant as to watching the course i was to take for the next 2 weeks.

having said what i did about people (girls) who have been in relationships, let me say now that i realized it was not easy. in a lot of ways it's harder than being single. although i don't think it's easier than being alone. but it was harder than i thought it would be. harder than i expected. yes. partly because i am an individual. how is one to maintain who they are and become two? most of this stuff i'm still sorting out in my mind.  something else i have decided--that may help someone else in the future: i hope to never again have a relationship with a deadline on it.  too little is at stake.  

about 6 months ago i decided i was going to wear eyeliner. i'd worn versions of it before but, i wanted just a little something to change my daily makeup routine. i went to the m.a.c. counter and told the girl what i wanted. just a little something--nothing too drastic. she tried doing an eyeshadow liner, just eyeshadow painted on with a liner brush. i didn't like it--not enough. then she tried doing some fluid line. i liked that, but i already had it and was looking for something different. then she brought a full-blown, black, old fashioned pencil. she applied it and i loved it. so i bought it, sharpener and all. the funny thing is, i went in there to just look around. to try something small out. and even though i had no idea what it was, i walked out of nordstrom with exactly what i wanted.

for your curiosity, he and i have since parted and will not meet again for a long time, if ever. but after 2 short weeks with him, and 2 weeks without him, the individual i am now is so different than i imagined being. and i am learning.

nothing too drastic. as time propels me forward and i start to make changes--changes in my own individuality, adaptations that must be made for evolvement--i hope someone is looking out for me. someone who knows exactly what i want, even though i haven't figured it out yet.

oh. and. thanks for listening.