fitting in. and fitting it all in.

I am supposed to be writing a one-page, single-spaced, personal essay right now. on what? anything. I can write it on anything. what kind of prompt is that? this creative writing class is turning out to be...well...not just anything. it's good but not great. and I am perusing the archives of my blog to find some inspiration on anything. and since the last 5 minutes, I am mourning.

I mourn because I have been looking through my past year at school. I have 2 general thoughts: (1) I was so young. as I look back through the posts I wrote a year ago, I feel like a much more seasoned, experienced young adult. (2) I miss the days of 5-posts-a-day and taking my camera everywhere with me. I am settled here at college, and therefore less fascinated by it. I loved--and still love--the little fish big pond. I blended in last year and that was a good feeling. mainstream-ness is incredibly underestimated. but this year...I am becoming somebody. not becoming "who I am"--but becoming somebody that has a title, a recognizable face, an eyesore--if you will. I probably have gotten slightly uglier since my freshman year (joking..but still possible), but I don't mean eyesore literally. I mean--I am fitting in less and less by achieving things. I don't like it.

as I gaze on those past posts, on this post, I think of my freshman-self as a kind of stargirl. who was absurd and bazarre--so obviously not in that way. but just in a la-dee-da way. I took pictures of whatever I wanted and walked to school 30 minutes each way. I found new places to be and new people to know. I came home and ate refried beans or Pastaroni. then, after all was said and done, I sat at my desk in my BYU housing, and blogged. I went happily unnoticed.

now, I eat out of vending machines and the candy jar in my boss's office. the first item on my to-do list is: "write to-do list." I see beautiful trees and think "wow." but do little to share or little to capture. I walk to and from school in 2 minutes flat. I talk on the phone and my face is oily. I am applying for this and fulfilling that; attending meetings and orientations and speeches. I feel too busy to make a canned-chicken sandwich. I feel good--but busy. and I look at my old self through this online record and feel I have cheated myself, I have cheated this diary of my experiences. this is my formal apology to myself. self, I'm sorry. please let me make up for lost time.

there is a need to identify: is the old college try going to be about remembering moments...or checking off a to-do list. my latter self is definitely fitting it all in--American Heritage and India and phone calls and boyfriends and papers and---everything I want to have accomplished by the time I die--perhaps I'm getting there. but what about that tree whose leaves are bright red for only a week? and how the Y stands out the best on the mountain when it is orange--not green or white. is the old college try about my resume, or about my life?

I made a goal during the summer for this semester and for the rest of my life: make conscious decisions and make decisions conscious. I think one of my most pressing fears is waking up one day and asking, where did my life go? perhaps I'll be able to come here and look.