this situation.

today I felt sad. you know those days when nearly any thought makes you tear up? today. at about midday, I was walking on the Secret Path, when I thought "I am sad today." making my way from the Great Staircase over to the Twilight Zone, I ran into an old friend. John. I was so glad to see him--though I probably didn't show it at all. afterwards, continuing on the HFAC, Carl introduced himself. he told me he tries to meet at least one person per day. he's from Granstville and asked me if St. George was growing pretty fast. afterward, I ran into Marcus--an old acquaintance. we only said hello but it his blue shirt made me think of the blue sky and how incredibly blessed I am. I often use the word lucky to avoid the word blessed. I know what I mean when I say lucky..I mean blessed. I know it's not luck.

I hate myself for being so blessed. I don't deserve it. the opportunities I've been given are tremendous--whether it is the opportunity to meet with brilliant minds in an intimate setting with 20 other brilliant minds, or the opportunity to talk openly and intelligently with girls my age about politics and moral issues; or the opportunity to run into John or Marcus or meet Carl, or the opportunity to encounter the past acts of someone else, like small green fruit lined up on the edge of the planter--I want to invest myself in these things. where will I have made my mark?

I hate that I've made mistakes. and that I'm going to make them more. I don't hate mistakes because I am a perfectionist--I don't think I am. but I am just disappointed in myself for having made them. for not knowing what to do next--it will almost inevitably be a mistake. and I'm sorry. a lot of mistakes I have made have cost others--and I hate that too. but not as much as I hate it for myself.

so the day that was sad and then cheered up, is again sad. I feel teary. and I feel grateful for my luck. but I feel disappointed that I'm undeserving.

happy Halloween.