monastic experience: day 2

day 2
modified silence today.

observe modified silence, i.e. speak only when necessary. when necessary, be aware that you are speaking.

hour 1: good. just at home, getting ready. not too hard.
hour 2: in my dance class, totally blew it! I kept forgetting. dang it.
hour 4: better. I went to my office hour, and no students came in until the last 10 minutes.
later: I told my friends in the newsroom about it beforehand, and they were cooperative. I did have 2 meetings with some professors, so…when it was necessary, of course I spoke. working on some news articles, I had to speak. at TA meeting, I had to speak.
then: I’m at home and have more to say now, but no obligation to say it. that’s really hard for me.
now: had a bishopric interview—can’t really stay silent for that. plus, roommates and I are looking for houses, and I did all the talking.
vow: it’s 10:45 p.m. now. I don’t need to talk for the rest of the evening.
tomorrow: freedom.

things I noticed while silent:
- a smile meant something different to me today.
- I initiate most of my conversations. most of the people I talk to regularly, didn’t talk to me today.
- there were times when I had something really really good to say. other times, I would have said something (had I not taken a vow of silence) but once I thought about it, it was better that I didn’t say it.
- everything I do involves talking. being a reporter is all about talking. being a TA, you can’t do without talking.
- when I did talk, I was very conscious of what I was saying. that’s a good feeling.

oatmeal and silk for breakfast. cousous for dinner. mmm. as far as diet goes, I didn’t feel as strong as I did yesterday. I didn’t falter, but I craved starburst, sugar cookies, pizza, etc. maybe I needed something to make up for my lack of words. yesterday, I denied myself food. but today, I denied myself food and words. I needed some indulgence. even though this is nowhere near what Hindu or Jain monks do, I feel like it’s taking a lot of concentration for me. a lot of self-denial. in my regular, non-monk life, I don’t deny myself anything. for the most part, I say what I want to say (more often than not, that gets me in trouble), I do what I want to do, I eat what I want to eat. I don’t live a wild, uninhibited life, but the restrictions I do live with (i.e. my church standards), I have lived with my entire life, and they don’t feel like restrictions. probably because I believe in them, but probably more because I’ve grown up with them. but denying myself communication, time, and food. is kind of hard. also, I didn't start out my day with the meditation I did yesterday. perhaps that gives a sense of strength, grounded openness, and focus for the day.

today:
truth telling: didn’t talk much, so I told the truth when I did talk. but what about what I didn’t say today?
spending: $18 on U of U Performing Dance Company tickets.
phone: agh. not too much texting, but a few phone calls.
tv: American Idol – 1 hour.
internet: probably a little over my 1-hour limit.
silence: you be the judge.