happenings.

happy easter. 

i've been experiencing genuinely good days recently. i'm not all that into having bad days.  it seems like people here say things like "i suck at life." or "just one of those days." or "just life." or "it's just not a good day." blah blah blah.  it's strange how we classify days.  and why days? why do we need to categorize things so precisely into finite time periods.  i guess it's the whole idea of getting a new start every 24 hours. i've just never been a fan of blaming your experiences on that 24-hour period.  somehow finding a little square on a calendar at fault for how you feel, or what you did.  i know i have felt like the universe is aligning either for me or against me. in the end, what i know is that a day is what you make it. and so isn't it funny, when someone else makes your day. i'm completely uncertain how that all works out.  what draws me to this conclusion, and you can certainly come to your own after reading the following,

if you lived inside my head, you'd know how scared i was.  i am so frightened to do things that aren't logically frightening.  i think there are so many 'tasks' or 'deeds' that most people want to do. and those same tasks are things that people don't ever do.  and those are the things that scare me.  i want to do it, but its just not that normal. so i am scared.  if my days are spent in numbness, it is because i have forgotten what makes me feel alive. what makes me just...feel. although it's not the best, most interesting, or even the most entertaining class i've ever had, i love my political science class.  my professor is about 5'2" and wears a bow tie.  he is in his early 40s i would guess.  and he is just funny.  he recognizes me on campus.  and can you imagine how much that means to me?  in an auditorium lecture of probably 300 students and he sees me clear across campus and waves.  what a nice guy.  yesterday he brought his son to class.  i think his son is about 15 or 16.  dr. patterson has mentioned his son before in the context of the individualist mindset of all americans ("it's a free country", "i have my rights!", etc.) he usually just laughs at their arguments because he thinks his son is just so silly.  so when he brought him to class yesterday, it made me look at dr. patterson with different eyes.  i just wanted him to know. know that i appreciated how funny and smart and kind he is.  so even though i'm sure he heard my own heart beating as i approached him, i defied my fear.  i just said. "hi, i just wanted to say thanks. i love your class. i'm amy." with a smile and a pivot goodbye.  

i got my first really nice bottle of perfume angel, by theirry mugler, for christmas.  it is emily's signature smell and i could never get enough sniffs in so i asked for it.  i still adore the smell.  and i wear it usually, but not every day.  i can always smell it so greatly on emily, but i can never smell it on myself.  i am not sure but i swear it never really worked.  so i stopped wearing it for a long time.  but on tuesday, i had an econ test so i wore my favorite dress and decided to put on some perfume.  and what do you know. someone noticed it. a really cheesy and lame kid, nonetheless a day maker, said..."are you wearing perfume?" i nodded yes. "is it angel?" how in the world.  he proceeded to tell me that's why he was so in love with me at the moment.  it wasn't really a complement. but i was just happy somebody noticed. 

my 2nd economics 110 exam was fine.  i got a 66%, a C. in all honesty, i was thrilled with it.  i didn't know anyone else's score before i took the test.  i was having a great day really. by choice or self-enforcement i was calm.  i felt willing to trust. i did trust.  and i do. it will be strange if i get a C in a class.  i'm semi-planning on retaking the course.  most likely from a different teacher.  i'm content.  the reason i took the class was so i could get the job. and theoretically i'm required to get a 3.5 gpa.  i haven't exactly told anyone that a 3.5 may not happen.  but we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. any guidance for doing poorly in school?  the thing that i'm questioning is whether it is self-inflicted.  am i doing poorly by choice? i'd like to think not.  that there's something in me that just doesn't get it. i'm not meant to be good at economics. there have been moments when i actually fooled myself into thinking i have to do poorly because if i did well, i would just want to be a ta for econ and throw american heritage out of the boat.  i'm just not meant to do it. but wouldn't that be contradicting what i already said?  days. life. outcomes. are in your control. or are they?

do things happen to you? or do you make things happen? i know i made it happen that i talked to dr. patterson.  it happened to me that someone noticed my perfume.  did i make a C happen, or did a C happen to me? no sooner do i make these big assumptions lugging all kinds of baggage behind them than i find myself contradicting what i already concluded.  from my weak and caged mind,  i think i make good things happen. and that bad things happen to me. 

soma sema. the body is a tomb. 

my first year here is almost over.  1 month til finals. i will soon go home for the summer and my life will be somewhat less interesting and much like it was when i was in high school.  but the next year has so much in store.  it will be the first year where almost every male i know is out of reach for 2 years. it will be an exciting trial time as a ta, sophomore, and college-student in general.  everything is getting older and more mature.  everything is going to be more.  there will be all kinds of days ahead.  what i'm asking of you is to continue with me on this journey.  

what do you think?