who am i.

as i gazed between those two mountain-peaks, i had an overwhelming desire to climb right through that passage.  it looked so hike-able.  of course, the desire was not so overwhelming that i actually did go for a hike, but i enjoyed my saturday-morning walk to school, camera in hand.  

megan came to p-town on saturday, and went home this evening.  i tried earnestly to 'show her a good time'...but my efforts were in vain.  all the fun times i've had recently have been in st. george.  i was so glad for her to be here.  so incredibly glad.  i knew she would understand, wouldn't care, and may even be grateful not to have extensive, big-university life, crazy-fun plans...but i still had this desire to take her to some sort of party or gathering or event...that i hardly ever go to myself.  of course, though, my plans were shy of anything collegiately spectacular.  and we ate oreos and watched you've got mail. what i'm most grateful is that someone besides me lived in my house (with my roommates) for a day.  empathy. 

church was fun, though.  2nd to last sunday.  meg got see my wonderful ward.  it was strange.  all i've been thinking recently is going home, going home, going home.  but having megan here, she kept finding the beauty for me.  the mountains, and the people.  i started to feel very sad.  i knew. just knew. i would feel this way when it was time to leave.  i love school and all, but after this semester, i am not going to miss my academic life. but my ward. what i will miss is my ward. i love my ward.  summers in college aren't quite like summers in high school.  in high school,  pick up right where you left off.  fall picks up like a bookmark where you last read in spring.  in college, when you return after 3 months of vacation, it's a whole new world every time.   i think that's something really neat, you get to meet 4 times as many people.  and why shouldn't you in a place so big and grand, full of so many people?  

i do know that i love my ward.  the byu 50th ward. since the beginning i've thought it was an exceptional ward.  i remember trying to convey to a friend so earnestly one of the first weeks of fall semester, 'i just think we lucked out.  we could have gotten stuck with something and someones very different than what we got.  i just love our ward.' i told him, eventually.  i know it wasn't like that for everyone. some people don't inject themselves.  probably for a lot of weeks, that was me.  but the weeks i have been here, i just love.

  i don't think it is at all uncommon for 18-year-olds to feel this way, but getting to know you is a phenomenon.  it's like a young adult pastime: getting to know someone(s), getting to like them, getting to hope they like you.  i breathe an inward laugh. a result of total self-inclination, self-discovery, and self-pity.  haven't you noticed, suddenly i'm bright and breezy?  suddenly, being the key word here.  i love them. i'm getting to know them. we fit. and it's all going away.  i'm leaving. sound familiar? the worst (or is it better?) part is, i don't have a choice. even if i chose to stay, they would all be gone.  

i would say the trick is is to enjoy the moment while you're in it.  which i do.  it is true that sometimes i am anxious to be where i'm not, but i have fun.  i enjoy.  i love people, and not just because i'm leaving.  i loved them before i was leaving.  i guess--not seeing people again--gives me a true apprehension of the future.  if i know i will see them tomorrow, chances are, i won't skip out on studying to be with them today.  if i know we will stay in touch, chances are, i will move to provo and leave them in st. george.  if i know i will see them next year, i might move to st. george for the summer. but if there is a chance i might not see them for two years. or ever again. my world has a tiny little come apart. my mind races, and i come here. to write it all out. 

my problem is, i want the best of both worlds.  both lawns are so green--one no more so than the other---so why should i sit on just one?  i love who i am at home. i do.  it is the me who i've always known. the person i grew up with, the person i make decisions with.  it is the me who cries and asks questions. the me who plays the violin, and knows little children.  it is the me who crafts and drives a car. but i love who i am here. it is the me who is independent and daring.  i would equate the college me with the girls camp me. a lot of really fun shouting, but a lot of inside looking.  it is the who is pensive, who thinks and writes.  who has a blog. it is the me who prays and serves.  the me who takes pictures and walks on sidewalks + crosswalks.  they are not 2 different people, but they are 2 different versions of 1 person--me.  so as i return home, i must ask myself, who am i? 

(a side-note: at first i would expect me to be the only one who knows both versions of me, but i feel like my parents know both.  they know who i always have been and who i will become.  it's like they see the diamond underneath... i am so grateful to my parents.  i am a complete creation of their livelihood, lives, lifestyle.  a fact i would not change.)