transitions: 02

a newly acquired plant cozied up to my lifelong comforter to accompany me on my journey home to st. george.

back to blogland.

my existence is not so interesting lately. because that is precisely what it is--existence. i want to be good for something. but we'll see. many summers of mine have been spent simply existing.

where is home exactly? is it really where the heart is? a commenter observed my heart was in st. george. which i suppose is true. but i feel desperately homesick for provo. for incredible access to information, people, resources. not to mention the weather.

open book: the real me feels alone. i feel i have nowhere to be. no purpose. lost. what am i to do for the months of june, july, august? i think the bigger question is, what am i to do for the rest of my life? i don't know of anything i'm just dying to do. it seems like everyone around me is starting something new. traveling, getting married, racing, even working or schooling. i'm not sure how good i am at living from day to day without a distant goal in mind.

i get really funny when things change. i expect everyone is similarly resistant to change--but each person's dealings with this so-called enemy is different. i have a transition mode. it happens when life turns me upside down and inside out leaving me as one, giant open wound of absolute vulnerability. outwardly, it looks a lot like crying. red eyes and blotchy cheeks.

since june 6th until about the 21st (or i could argue 28th since my brother is getting married then), my life has been in perpetual motion. propelling me toward numbness, instead of the emotional basket case i typically revert to in transition mode.

not a new idea, but somehow enlightening: "we don't really know what we believe in or care about until what we believe in or care about is threatened, challenged, or measured."

- sheri dew, book.

i'm not sure how willing i am to give it the old college try--because college is gone. and what should it try for?