overwhelmed.

is one of the best words in the english language. as my wet eyes tried to focus on the road north, I couldn't help but think and feel how overwhelming it all is. leaving my mom and my teary grandmother wasn't easy and the only thing keeping me from doing a 180 was the sheer one-way nature of the north-bound freeway.  I drove, listening to joe bro's all the while, thinking how overwhelming it all is. 

overwhelming, though, is overused and makes phrases like 'too much' and 'handling it all' cliches. but it's true and telling word. you're buried or swamped.  I am not submerged with tasks or duties in the sense of the word.  but just drowned in feelings and conflicts of interest. fleeing your dwelling-place is enough, but leaving somewhere means you have to be going somewhere. you have to end up somewhere. and here I am--where I wanted to end up. 

I had my TA training yesterday from 8:30 to 4 pm. by the end of the day I thought my brain was going to explode. since I haven't thought about all I need to know about just being a TA--subject material not included--my brain is doing okay. we had to stand up and introduce ourselves in front of 20 new and 10 returning TA's. our introduction had to include 'our biggest fear about being a TA.' as far as I know, though it hasn't been confirmed, I was the youngest TA there.  and that was my biggest fear. but of course I didn't let on. I announced a carbon-copy of what everyone else was saying: being inadequate. which, of course, is a great fear I had.  but being in a room with people getting ready to graduate was intimidating. and seeing a list of my students--older than me--was intimidating. but fear was the theme yesterday.  not the childhood fears of monsters or bullies or reprimands. but the fear of being mediocre.  and I refuse to let my youth or inexperience jade me from being the best I can at this job.  more than anything, I am excited. 

but being in transition is always hard.  I've seen old faces that I love.  and I've seen old faces whose name I can't place--something I thought would never happen to me! what frightens and enlightens me though (forgive the ryhyme), are the new faces.  

I enter my 2nd year of college with great anticipation of what it will bring, and what I will bring to it. and I'm glad you're here for the ride.