validation.

today and yesterday have been all about validation. yesterday was pure proof of why I am here. validating choices I have made concerning leaving home have not all ended successfully, but have been so worth it. 

the last hour (12pm - 1pm)  of my life has, too, been all about validation.  I attended the class I will be TAing for (attending lecture is mandatory for TAs, so it is essentially like taking the class over again).  every minute of it was substantial proof of why I have been putting myself through miserable butterflies and relentless feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.  I looooove this class. so much.  more than I love BYU, if you can believe it. but it is the same kind of love. but this love will last me much longer than that love.  but enough about love. I am just so excited.  professor H. gave the TAs "quite the introduction," describing the group of us standing in the corner as more like graduate students at an ivy-league school (which I totally contest!) who went through rigorous courses and an even more rigorous hiring process (which I totally attest to!). but wow.  my heart was pumping a million miles an hour.  but it wasn't a nervous, nauseous heartbeat.  it was strong and clear and distinct. I am so excited. 

some students came up afterward with a random question and I was caught off guard.  I need to be more expecting.  even walking into the auditorium was slightly surreal.  I think to myself I need some sort of objective view of all this. but--I have one.  I took the class less than a year ago with no intentions of becoming a TA.  I have a semester worth of objective examples of what it looks like to be a student in relation to my TA. that is why it's so hard for me to put myself in that situation.  I can't get the two views--me as a student and me as a TA--tangled up enough.  they are too separate.  

because of the way a number of things--time, school years, offices, hiring committees, etc.---work, it is easy to lose sight of things.  I started this whole thing 6 months ago and have branched out my thinking so much that the goal was lost. but today, I was reminded (shamefully, with tears streaming down my face in remembrance) of what the goal is.  I found out I will not be able to use media in teaching my classes: no power points, no video clips, no photos. I was panicked yesterday at the idea of being so boring! but as professor H. lectured just an hour ago, I remembered the vision, the objective, the goal that pulled me through the class when I took it, that pulled me through the 2 terrible pre-requisites for the TA job, that pulled me through the rigorous hiring process, and the same aim that will pull me through this Friday morning at 8, 9, and 10 am as I teach my first lab as a TA for American Heritage--sheer passion for the course.