my past.

when i came home these christmas bears were on my bed. my sweet mother. i remember when my grandma gave me and kate the bears. i must have been 2 or 3 years old because the bears were HUGE. they were life size. and they were put away with the rest of the christmas things just the same. the following year, i remembered my christmas bear and found these. but they couldn't have been the same ones because the ones i remembered were bigger than me. my memory had tricked me and it wasn't until i saw these bears sitting just like that on my bed this year that i came to terms: the bears were always the same. i was someone new. being home makes me feel like a kid again. and running into high school teachers makes me feel like i'm in high school. and being with 4 older bossy siblings reminds me i am the baby. every time i look in the mirror and think of the responsibilities that await me in a few days i can't make sense of the two people inside me. i guess that's what this is all about.

i've been thinking about my past lately. and of course it's only natural since i've come home again. every time i think about going to the store or going to the movies i can almost always count on seeing someone i know. which is why my poor packing and flare of acne are bothering me so much. high school is such a blur for me lately. i feel like it is a million miles in my past and i can't remember anything about it. if i want to recall any important details such as who was friends with who or what someone's hair length or weight was--i have to think very very hard. and i usually just end up texting megan. and even though when it comes to high school, my memory has failed me, i still expect everyone i see to remember me and know me like we just graduated yesterday. i expect that i am rare for forgettting high school. but now self-corrected, i suspect it is as blurry for every one else as it is for me--if not more so.

i truly feel that i can come home. my mom and dad and family are fabulous and though i may be different, things are the same as they ever could be. within the walls of my parents' house, i am 16 again. but the more i stay away from st. george, the town grows foreign. while st. george will always be part of me, i am no longer part of st. george. business as usual carries on despite my permanent absence. i drive down its familiar streets and think "who are all these people?" yet, when i see people i know, i want to hide. there is no disappearing here, but i can't say i belong.

at harmons today, between the eggplant and the bok choy, i saw mr. green. my high school calculus teacher. and pre-calculus. hi mr. green, i said. hey amy! he said. he said it too fast that i thought he'd seen me before without me seeing him. we talked for a short time and it wasn't like old times. but for all the blurry images that make up my memory of high school, the good ones consist of mr. green. he just got me. i was 15 minutes late to his first period every day for 2 years. that was his only concern at parent teacher conferences. my other teachers equated my lines to smart aleck and a questioner of authority. but after discussing my tardiness, my mom told me he said "amy and i understand each other." those words meant so much to me. and still do. mr. green got me. he appreciated me. maybe he didn't really appreciate me. but i felt he did. and he didn't appeciate me because of my reputation or my lame high school accomplishments. he just appreciated me for what I was worth. something i had rarely felt from an adult beside my own parents. so when i saw mr. green i wanted to tell him everything about my experiences. about college and learning and life after high school. and it's not like we ever even had a one-on-one conversation or talked about anything personal. i was just glad to see him. and wanted to be appreciated by him again. i came home and wouldn't let my mom or melissa talk about anything else for the next half hour. even though there wasn't much to say, i just wanted to remember.

so i've seen old friends at tj maxx or coming out of valkyrie and they ask the small talk questions. my holiday this year has had a special question, though. after some discussion, my friend asks me questions pertaining to the relationship i've maintained with my very closest and dearest and longest friend of nearly 7 years: megan. do megan and i still talk. or are we still close. did i hear about the... and oh you guys still keep in touch. what in the world? i can't imagine my life without megan. and it baffles me that my high school classmates would think otherwise. but maybe i am just being blind. i still consider megan as dear and close friend and assume she considers me the same, but what can people expect? with us living 264 miles apart instead of attached at the hip as we formerly were. so i am not angry at my old acquaintances. i suppose i have to chalk it up to my own self-doubt. but all this is leading to BIG news.

megan is engaged!

yes. her ring is a vision and her inner-glow is an even lovelier one. and all those people who i proceed to tell that yes, we are still close and she is still my one friend, proceed to ask: and how do you feel about it? well. from such thoughtful and nosy people I expect such a question. the fact is i couldn't be happier for megan. congratulations to him, he couldn't wed better. i'd trust her to choose my husband so i trust her just fine to choose hers. truthfully, i've known for months that she would be engaged soon but it didn't hit me until i heard the news. i have to examine my life when a life so dear to me is vastly changing. i love her and i am blissful for her.