monastic experience: day 13

day 13:
today is my last day as a monk. surprisingly, the last few days have been the hardest out of my 2-week monastic experience. perhaps it’s the weekend; or just a weak end. (woah. that was really cheesy). really, I’m not sure why I weakened on the last leg. like tonight, my roommate Lene made a most delicious pasta. and I walked by it probably…40 times. and after 4 – 5 hours of it just sitting there, I grabbed a noodle. eek. then I couldn’t stop myself of course. I did not have any rainbow cake, however.

weekend:
truth telling: I think I want to practice this one more. the phrase “why aren’t you just going for it?” comes to mind. in other words, I didn’t tell the whole truth. not because I’m a liar, but because I’m a coward.
spending: dinner with Mere, $15.
phone: necessary talking.
tv: LOST catching up. 30 minutes of Pearl Harbor.
internet: not bad at all. no more than 1 hour a day.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what I will eat in about 24 hours time. tomorrow (Monday at 6:30 p.m.) night is the end. I don’t have plans (or means) to binge—but I want to. I haven’t stopped seeing the Cheetos, BYU Catering mint brownies, pizza, pancakes, root beers, etc. nor have I grown comfortably accustomed to Krispbread and avocados. I love doing yoga and meditating—it makes me feel like a hundred bucks. and I am going to try to keep doing it regularly…but once a day may be unrealistic.

the self-control I have gained from this experience has astounded me and surpassed my own self-expectations. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a grade scrounger before a junk-food junkie. even though I was doing it as a class assignment, it felt good to pass up that cookie/brownie/rainbow cake/muffin/ice cream. obviously, from this point on I am looking forward to a lifetime of cookies. but I hope that I can practice self-control in the future as well. most the time during my monastic experience, I didn’t think twice about that doughnut. and I hope that’s something I can implement in the future.

this past Friday (day 11), was a downer of days. I had a hellish week that included a total sum of probably…8 hours of sleep. (papers, tests, meetings, studying, socializing, house-hunting, etc.) by Friday I was exhausted, but still had to take a 3-hour humanities test. walking in the snow defiantly in my sandals, I felt defeated because I couldn’t indulge myself. it felt really crappy to have to eat one more banana, one more apple, drink one more giant bottle of water. I know that sounds bad—I am verbally weeping about having to eat a totally nourishing, relatively inexpensive, just-fine-tasting meal. but I needed some indulgence. I guess that’s why I came home after my test, asked Meredith to take me for coconut curry at Bombay House, and came home and watched LOST.

what I discovered in my feelings of defeat was strange—and I’m not sure I totally understand my feelings now. the whole point of being a monk is to deny yourself, be rid of your pleasures, your desires, and withdraw from the world to be closer to God. I suppose was felt ironic to me was that after 10 days of “denying” myself, I felt weaker, not stronger. I felt really sorry for myself, and less alive than ever. when isn’t this great change in me supposed to make me feel alive? Friday was definitely my lowest day of the 2 weeks. but as I finalized my studies to head in to the testing center, I read my favorite scripture story and prayed. not surprisingly, I was flooded with feelings. I felt really close to God at that point, my lowest point.

seldom am I cold enough that I choose to walk home through the Widstoe building. but I'm glad I did on Friday. outside the Life Sciences office was this quote:

change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life
--Herbert Otto