great aunt ruth.

last week, my great aunt ruth died.  she was 94 and a great lady.  my parents brought her sister, my grandmother up for the funeral.  melissa and i spent the weekend with them.  her funeral was beautiful.  granddaughters sang and each shared their favorite memory of their grandma.  she was something else.  i was never close to her, but everything i gathered from her funeral was enlightening.  

she was always concerned with her granddaughters' lives.  always asking how they were. how they really were.  accepting and appreciating them for who they are.  each of them expressed that she always put their needs over her own, even though she was under burdens of hardship.  i just felt that those people who are so genuinely interested in others, are remarkable and quite rare.  it seems like all anyone cares about is themselves. self-projection no doubt, and maybe it is just college.  i just found myself admiring my great aunt ruth, grateful for our relation and for her example. you can read her obituary, here. 

for the job, i am asked to attend 2 labs--observing what i will be doing next semester---before this semester is done.  i only took american heritage last semester, so it is still a fresh memory.  part of that memory is my own ta.  i was afraid to let him know i was applying, so i never contacted him.  i guess i was afraid he would be possessive or feel imposed on.  you know when you think other people are going to think certain things about you, but then you realize that you think that because that's how you would react if you were in there shoes?  one of those situations.  i thought i would e-mail him after the interview and let him know it was pending.  something casual but respectful to the situation.  honestly, that was one of my biggest fears applying for the job:  fear of retribution and upper-class-man disdain.   i did not want any of the tas i knew from last semester to know about me.  insecure. 

well, i didn't ever e-mail him.  during my second interview, i knew he was in the next room for his office hours, but i sure didn't think he knew i was next door.  i decided i would just surprise him, attend his lab, expect the worst and endure the awkwardness.  i walked in and he got a huge grin on his face.  congratulations! i couldn't believe it.  he was so kind.  he told me he saw me going in for my interview; and that they were trying to keep it a secret from him.  i asked him how he ever found out and he said he looked through the digital camera where they take all the new ta's pictures and about jumped out of his chair when he saw me.  he was so friendly and jovial about the whole thing.  he was more like a proud father than an annoyed/jealous sibling like i had expected.  what a blessing for nice people.  i feel i don't deserve to be entreated with such kindness. 

yesterday in my religion course,  bro. parker gave a touching lesson on how we are all instrumental in each others' lives.  my cousin caitlin just got back from a 2 week study-abroad in india.  i just feel like my last week has been so prevalent with signs of kindness.  i want so badly to influence people in a small way but on a day to day basis.  it's just hard.  i don't think it's that easy.  i read a letter to the editor in the daily universe about a boy who was sitting at a table in the library when he saw one girl hand a small bag of goodies to another girl at his table.  he assumed they were friends until she handed him a similar bag.  he was astounded by her kindness, how she truly redefined service. a day soon after that, i saw someone walk up to some benches with a carrier of 4 jamba juices.  she handed them out, similar to the last story.  i am just feeling an urge lately.  

one thing that's hard for me is i feel like people don't perceive the true me.  i feel like i can't be what other people think i am, or how i sometimes act,  and be nice.  that i am not moderate, but extreme and sometimes even harsh.  it's just something i'm thinking about.